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March 2011 Moms
Am I lazy? I need your input (vent a little longish)
My husband and I had a huge blow up last night. He thinks that I'm not doing enough during the day while I'm home. He seems to think that I spend most of the day infront of the TV doing nothing. He complained that the house was always a disaster.
Some days (like Monday) most of the day is spent on the couch and the TV usually is on but Alice wants to eat every hour or less and cries the whole time in between. I started a cleaning schedule and have chores each day and my house has never been cleaner. On Monday I still managed to do 5 loads of laundry (because it was laundry day) fold it and put it away. Tuesday I spent all of Alice's nap time organizing our finances and making plans to pay off our debt. I didn't get to vacumming through the house (which is Tuesday's chore) but I did that on Sunday so not a big deal.
I'm not getting a lot of extra jobs done during the day because Alice likes to be entertained while she is awake or she screams. Most of the extra jobs are not things I want to do while wearing her (painting, gardening and minor construction).
So apparently he thinks I should be able to do my daily chores, exercise, get extra jobs done around the house, make dinner and take care of our baby during the day. I just don't think I can do all these things (especially on lack of sleep, Alice is still getting up at least 2 times at night). Am I being lazy? Are you getting tons more done? If so how are you getting this all done?
Thanks for reading and your input. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope with my husbands expectations. I love the guy but he is trying my patients.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I lazy? I need your input (vent a little longish)
Ha... Just saying... If that were my DD, I'd honestly tell him he can do it if it's such a bid deal to him that the house be spotless.
DH complained ONE time that the dishes weren't done when he got home and I didn't have dinner planned. Before I blew up on him. I handed him DD and said, I'm going out. (I just ran to the store for formula)
No, you're not lazy. The fact that you've made a chore list is a lot further than I ever dreamed of getting.
If I were you, I'd be sitting down and having a calm, level headed conversation with DH. With all of the weekly things that need to be done on top of taking care of LO. Just because he's physically at work and you're at home, doesn't mean that you're not working too. He can help out. Even if it's just vacuuming, dishes, or a load of laundry.
It really irks me when DHs think that just because you're a SAHM means that all of the sudden, you take care of all of the daily chores. Maybe once LO gets older and more able to entertain herself, yes. But now. No, he can help.
Sorry for the rant. It just REALLY irks me.
I agree. You are not lazy.
Our arguments about housework started the day I got home from the hospital after my c-section. I had a scheduled c-section, so DH and I were able to clean our house, go to the grocery store, etc, in preparation of bring LO home. Well, when I walk in the door after spending 4.5 days in the hospital, I see dirty dishes piled in the sink, trash overflowing, and the house messed up. I WENT OFF on DH, telling him the whole point was to keep the house clean for my return home. I was livid.
I think he has learned to not complain now. There are days when I don't get to clean the kitchen, do laundry, clean the bathroom. If he says something, I kindly explain to him that he has two hands and is perfectly capable of making dinner, cleaning, or doing whatever chore he feels takes precedent over caring for his son.
I will say it - men suck sometimes. I thoroughly enjoy venting about my DH on this board. It's helpful to me, so don't ever feel like you can't!
Two options for you.
1. kick your DH hard in the nuts.
2. leave him to take care of her for a whole day with the list he *thinks* you should be able to do and see how he does.
I feel like a bad mom when DH is home playing w/ LO, bc I can get SO MUCH more done chore-wise, but I'm not spending time w/ LO. I make a list of things that need to get done each week, and whatever I can't do during the week when I'm home alone, I catch up on the weekends.
I do not think you are being lazy, I think your H is nuts.
What's the longest you've left your husband alone with your LO? DH never said I was lazy but I think he still thought I wasn't doing as much as I could be. I have a high maintance baby with reflux (bad combo) . One night DH told me to go to the grocery store and he'd stay with DS. DS screamed pretty much the entire time I was gone. When I got home, DH said he now fully understands why some days I get nothing done. I'm not sure he really believed that DS was that much work. I do what I can. I make sure the bills are taken care of and that dinner is done every night. Everything else comes secondary. If I get something else accomplished, DH always mentions how nice "x" looks. Before that night he always said he knew I did what I could but I don't think he truly believed me or understood that DS really is a 24/7 job.
I agree with all the PPs! You are not lazy at all!
Just wait until you have two kids and the toddler takes out every toy you just picked up. Then it really looks like you didn't do anything all day!!
Almost every day in this house sounds like your Monday... I don't often watch TV but LO is high needs too - he won't amuse himself for more than 5 minutes with his activity mat. DH does the majority of the cleaning and cooking around here - I do the majority of the child care. When he gets home at night, he has 2 choices, take DS or cook dinner. I am not comfortable cooking while wearing DS and it's the only way he naps 99% of the time! About the only "chores" I do regularly is laundry (DS's I do all of, DH and I both do ours) and dishes (we bottle feed, so I'm washing, sterilizing etc several times a day)... that's it. YH is out of line. I agree with the others, leave him alone for a 1/2 day or so and see how he does. Good luck!
or, do both! honestly, there were days sometimes where getting his bottle to the 'dirty bottle' tupperware container was the most i could do around the house. DH is now a SAHD and every evening the house looks like a disaster. he used to comment on things like dishes, but i'm pretty sure the lightbulb went off the first day it was just him & DS all day.
I have left him with the baby a couple times for up to 3 hours. Usually she is an angel and sleeps the whole time. Now that I have a pump I'm going to leave him one evening with her and let him do the evening fussy time and off to bed (5 hours maybe a little longer). Plus I'll leave him the chores that didn't get done during the day. He is in school on the weekend so I'm not able to leave her with him for a whole day for a couple more months. Thanks for your support.
He definitely needs to be in charge of her at some point. I am a WAHM and felt like this was how DH was feeling. He got to be my "babysitter" one day while I was working last week. He had a very specific schedule to follow and I was around to help him all day (I hide in the office when our moms watch DS).... when DS went down for a nap, my husband said "I have so much stuff to do, but now that he is finally calm and I can, I don't want to."
So now he completely understands
He has been way more helpful about making sure the kitchen gets cleaned up immediately after dinner etc ever since!
OMG yes! I spent an hour this morning cleaning up. Went to hop in the shower and it now looks like i did not do a thing.
I have sometimes thought about literally writing down exactly what i do all day just so DH can see it. Some thing like:
3 AM - 40 minutes up to feed (while he sleeps)
5:30- 30 up to feed (while he sleeps)
6:15 - wake up to shower, change ds2, pack diaper bag, eat for myself
7:30 - wake DS1, change, dress him, clean up, feed him, feed ds2
8:25 - take ds to day care
9:15-11 water plants, loads of laundry, pick up house, clean up from dinner, empty and reload dishwasher
11:00-12:30 - walk, sway, change, feed, change again fussy ds2 who does not want to be put down
etc - otherwise, he thinks of me sitting at home watching tv all day - SOOO frustrating!! you are NOT lazy at all!!!