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Baby Showers
I need honest opinions - am I asking too much? (long)
*sigh* I am having enough trouble trying to mentally prepare for my baby shower as it is, and now this.
Background - spent close to 3 years TTC #1, IVF # 4 finally worked. As you can probably imagine, I have been having a hard time wrapping my head around this pregnancy and am finally starting to feel good about bringing home a baby.
DH and I don't really have large families, and when I got married, my sister and bridesmaids threw me a shower that included family. This time around, the same thing is happening - I am getting one shower, mostly with friends, but with a few family members. My mom and sister have decided to throw it, although I know a few friends, as well as my MIL and SIL have volunteered to help out. My invite list is about 30 couples - and I am guessing 10 or so realistically not being able to make it. I know that is a lot - but again, I get one shower, and after all we have been through we have a lot of friends who want to come celebrate with us, FINALLY! I can't help it - for what DH and I lack in family, we have in friends, and we are very fortunate.
Due to the fact that I have had to sit through so many other baby showers and suffer in silence, plus with DH having had to be so involved with all my IF treatments, I thought that I would enjoy my shower more if DH was there and we made it a couples thing and did a cookout theme. I offered to my mom and sis to have the thing at my place - because to be honest, we have the most room indoors and outdoors. DH has offered to supply beer for free (he works at a brewery and gets a substantial discount) and I told my mom that we could pay for the burgers and dogs as well.
So here is the issue: I realize that having a couples shower means feeding twice as many mouths. As far as cleaning, decorations, and invites, that would all be happening and cost the same as if we were having a women only shower. My sister has already mentioned doing evites for the shower, which I was really disappointed to hear. (evites are great, but not for something like this) On top of that, I mentioned to my mom that we needed to add one more couple to the list, because they made it clear to DH and I over the weekend that they wanted to be invited, and my mother started to complain about the cost. She has made several comments now about the cost, and my heart just continues to sink. I KNOW that they can afford this, and she knows that this will probably be my only child. I told her how much her comments hurt, and then she got very upset. She has a bad habbit of not being able to "filter" her thoughts, which I am familiar with, but I'm still just town apart over her comments and it has been a few days now.
So what do I do? Am I asking to much by asking to have a couples shower? I don't see how we could break the invite list into two showers - we just don't have enough family to do one separately. its just frustrating, because I wanted this celebration to be about overcoming our IF issues and having fun, and for some reason I am feeling guilty. Honest advice appreciated. Thanks!
TTC Child #1 Sept '08, Dx: Unexplained, DOR
2 IUI's = BFN, m/c, IVF 1 = 0 embies to put back, IVF 2 = BFN, IVF 3 = cancelled, IVF 4 = BFP with 1 embie. Our son came into our life on 9/28/11. We are in love!
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Re: I need honest opinions - am I asking too much? (long)
Know that I had DS after my 5th IVF. So I hear you on that aspect, and it took awhile for me to really wrap my head around the fact taht I was actually PG.
But here's the thing - this is your mom and sisters gig. Not yours. A couples shower DOUBLES the guest list. It doesn't matter if your mom "can" afford it, it's if she WANTS to afford it. Her party, her budget!
If you want a party to celebrate overcoming IF and you know your friends want to do this too- then AFTER the baby is born, you can throw a big "welcome our baby to the world" party for everyone to celebrate.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like you have a very, very specific list of requirements for your shower - must be for couples, must be large, etc. Could you really not be happy with anything else? Those types of shower decisions are generally made by the hostess(es), who know what they can and can not pay.
The Bee Hive Blog
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
25 Weeks - GOAL MET 52.2 Pounds gone! 27 Weeks Total Pounds Lost: 54.0
First and foremost Congratulations to you!
I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. This is your shower....your baby and you should do it they way you want to have it done.
NO APOLOGIES.
Now a days ....showers are so expensive and many people have their own problems and bills expenses who can really afford to throw a party like that for someone else and not "***".
I think you should pay for the extra's that you want. Invites etc (i do agree evites are not for an occasion like this) Pay for anything that is going to make any one say anything etc to you.
I am throwing my own baby shower. My husband and I are doing a couples theme too. This is our first baby. We are having it at a banquet hall approx 50 people
I knew that no one was going to be able to spend the money to do ...and at the end of the day why should they? Unless you loads of extra money just laying around.
My sister and best friend are "hosting it" but I am basically paying for it.
One offered to pay for invites & cake, other the favors & balloons.
At the end of the day no one will do it the way YOU want it. So do it your way. DON'T feel guilty!
It's 2011 - things change.
It may be 2011 but one thing that hasn't changed is that it is still in poor etiquette to throw your own shower. Showers are gift-giving events so by throwing your own shower, all you're really doing is telling people to buy presents for you.
The Bee Hive Blog
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
25 Weeks - GOAL MET 52.2 Pounds gone! 27 Weeks Total Pounds Lost: 54.0
Thank you for the honest replies ladies - I greatly appreciate it.
I am going to have an honest conversation with my mom about how many people she and my sister are comfortable with inviting. Not bringing that up in the beginning was a mistake. If it sounds like they aren't comfortable with the number of people that we have on our list, we should just keep the shower to women only, and just have a traditional baby shower, not at my house, and I will just stay out of it.
I can have the "I can have a baby after all" celebration at another time - and this can just be a fun, couples invited, no gifts expected event - which is what I guess I really wanted to do all along.
Thank you for helping me clarify my thoughts! Also, thanks for the kind wishes. I do realize that six months ago, I was only wishing to have problems like this, and I am so fortunate right now that I can even talk about baby showers.
I'm going to disagree with the majority here. I don't think you're asking for too much- you're offering your home, to supply burgers and hot dogs, and beer. Like you said, the cost of decorations, invitations, etc. doesn't double and if you weren't offering to help with the things that you are, the hostesses would have to pay to rent a place, food, etc.
Maybe you could ask your mom and sister what their budget is and have them pay for items in their budget and then pay for whatever else you want to add to the shower?
I agree with all of this. If you want to throw that big of a party and the hostesses are not okay with that, throw yourself a celebration after the baby with as many people as you want.
I think it's more rude of her to complain about costs to you than anything else! They offered to throw it! Maybe they don't realize that the cost won't change too much since you guys would supply the beer and burgers and hotdogs... I can't imagine getting bent out of shape for having to buy another pack of plates, napkins, and a few more bags of chips! Unless she is planning something big that would REALLY be affected by more people... she probably just heard "twice as many people" and didn't think about you buying that stuff and how little extra she would actually have to spend. I guess maybe try to sit down and get details from her?
I wanted to have a couples shower but my fiance doesn't want to because he thinks it's weird and doesn't like the idea of me having a shower for DD#2 anyway. So I hope yours works out and you enjoy it
I have a history of repeating myself on this board about throwing your own shower = tacky. HOWEVER, that applies to self-entitled people who are outwardly hosting their own event and appear gift-grabby. In this case, I get the sense that you're offering to help foot the bill to ease the wallet stress for your mom and sister, but they are still hosting. I think that is totally reasonable, but I think that, to save face, you should be a "silent partner"- offer to help with costs without needing the credit of hosting.
If your offer to cover the food and beer isn't easing her money issues, then you have two choices: scale back the guest list or contribute more. Those are the only ways you are going to get the party you want without forcing your mom into something she can't/doesn't want to do.
I agree 100% (even though a majority of people won't agree with this). Someone else said its about YOU, YOUR BABY and YOUR DH. I get that your mom and sis have decided to host the party, but how does that make it "their gig" as someone posted, when it's FOR you? Yes I get it, they have offered to pay for a party, but why not try and accomodate what the mother to be wants?
Now that being said, I think you've done more than enough to offer your home, pay for more food and alcohol, so I'm not quite sure how your mom feels it's going to be more money? Also, I think your mom should understand how special this shower is to you and want to throw you the shower you've always wanted. If I were a host, I'd want to accomodate every single wish my mother to be would want because its HER shower not MY party (within reason, which I think you are being reasonable).
You'll get many opinions here, including how hosting or paying for things for your own shower is rude (which I dont agree with) but in the end, do what you feel is right. It's great to get other's thoughts on things like this but in the end its your shower, your time to celebrate the little miracle you've waited so long for
Remember, you can't please everyone, but considering, I think this should be a time to make sure YOU are pleased!
IUI#2 - 01/07/09 = BFP!!! Twins!! Pre-term labor 20 weeks
IUI#3 - 1/31/10 = BFP!!!! M/C - 8wks
IVF #1 - 7/2010 = c/p
FET - 9/2010 = another c/p
IUI#4 - 2/14/11 = BFP!
Ditto.
I think you need to ask your mom what extra expenses this new couple is adding. (or whatever other reason she's had about increased pricing).
It doesn't make sense that the number of people would really add to the cost of what they're covering. Unless they're going all our with fancy rental chairs, pricey favors. Those are the only things that i can think of that might have individual cost. It's not like she need to buy another pack of napkins or balloons b/c there are 2 more people.`
Whatever the "extra" costs are - you should offer to cover them.
HTH! GL!
Throw a couple shower & enjoy it! It's not too much if it fits your lifestyle & your friends/family!
Do what feels right to you. I say go for it!
OK...I totally agree with amh1979 and GatorWedsNole. If you only have 30 couples and 10 couples most likely will decline you are talking 40 people. Adding 2 more people...that's ridiculous for your mother to get bent out of shape over. 2 people!!!?? I don't consider a shower really big unless there are like 50-60 people there. As others have said...decorations costs do not go up and neither do invitation costs (especially if your sister is going the e-vite way---which I think is tacky for a shower). Buy your own invites and let your mother and sister know you intend to fill them out to save them time and $$ for postage. You are supplying the most expensive part of the shower (location, meat, and beer). How many people was your mom planning on - 20 or less?
I guess if after you have a sit down talk with her regarding costs, etc. she is still resistant them maybe let her just invite family and just women - then let her do that. Course she will run the risk of having only a handful of people there - but maybe that is what she wants.
You can still have a "wecome baby" party after your little one is born and you can invite everyone and anyone you want (including those that were invited to your shower) because it is not a gift giving event. I've gone to a few of them and I'd say maybe 1/3 of the guests brought a gift for baby - usually clothes or diapers.
This. Sure, it would be nice if the host asked the MTB things like their available dates and what type of food they want or don't want but really beyond that it shouldn't be your business. The host is the one that typically pays for it and therefore the guest of honor should not have complete say over everything that goes on with it. One would hope that the host would plan a shower around the MTB's personality but sometimes that doesn't happen and you suck it, smile, and be as gracious as possible. Like Danilynn said, it's a GIFT. Do you go around dictating to people what type of birthday gifts you want? And if they don't give you exactly what you want you huff and puff about it? No, that would be rude. How is this any different?
I hosted a shower for a very good friend of mine's last summer and I put a lot of thought, work, time, effort, and money into it. If I heard my friend biitching about it or complaining to strangers and asking them if she should butt in I would dump that friend in a heartbeat. That is what I would call an ungrateful little biitch.
OP, you have every right to ask if it could be a couples shower and your mom has every right to say no regardless of the reason. Unless you're their bank or financial planner you probably don't really know their money situation. And regardless of it they do have boatloads of money it's not your place to tell them to spend, spend, spend. Like some others suggested, if you want to invite extra people then offer to pay for those. I know you guys are already offering up your home and paying for a lot of stuff but that is your choice and you shouldn't throw it back at them. Also, there's nothing wrong with splitting the shower up and having 2 small showers if that will ease the stress. I've been to showers where there were 30 people and ones with only 7. They were all equally fun and entertaining. Don't equate quantity with quality.
DH came to my all women's shower - it was in my home state and he wanted to be able to see some of the people he otherwise wouldn't get to see in a long time. I don't see a problem with DH going to an all-women's shower.
My host wanted to throw a couple's shower and I was against it due to cost. Men eat twice as much as women, so the food cost would be more than double if you had women only.
I had a couple's shower for our wedding shower (30 couples) and I preferred the all women's environment at my baby shower. Much more cozy and intimate.
Yes you are being too demanding. If you want all of these people invited then have a party AFTER the baby is born. Let your mom plan the shower she wants and let it go. Showers are not mandatory and you should be happy some one wants to give you one.
1 you get a shower thrown for you.Which is what a shower is supposed to be.
2 you can control the party for the baby.Plus many people will be dropping by anyway to see and hold baby. This way everyone can. Just don't expect gifts at the party.
This solution is a win - win.