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Success after IF
Diagnosed PCOS & MFI-Success with IUI
Help-just got in a fight with DH ;-(
DH just got in a huge fight-and we never fight. I think it's my fault, too.
Background-DH works in law enforcement so he has off during certain days of the week and has Henry on those days. My MIL watches him on two other days and then I watch him one day (I'm in the office 4/wk) and have him during the weekend. My mom passed away and my dad is not in the picture.
Since returning to work, my husband has called his mother over EVERY SINGLE day he was supposed to have him on his own. He calls her to chat and somehow she ends up over our house for hours at a time. I don't know why this bothers me so much. Perhaps it's because he should know what it's like to have him for the whole day....or maybe because he is our responsibility and I want his mom to have days off...or maybe it's because I know it's not my mom coming over and it tears me up inside.
Yep, I think I'll go with that one.
I've been tearing his head off about his mom coming over, when I know it's misdirected anger. I know he's a wonderful father and he can handle him just fine on his own if need be. I'm so angry my mom isn't here to see her grandson. I'm so upset that I don't get to spend the day with my mom watching him hold her grandson. Why does his mom get to snuggle and cuddle with him and my mom will never have that? We do everything with his family and while I should be grateful that they are in my life, I am aching inside because it's not mine. I have no one. Sometimes I feel like I had a baby and it's theirs and not mine. I know this is completely irrational, but I can't help my feelings. I am sitting at my desk working while they are having lunch and playing with Henry. That should be my mom and I.
So now DH went to his softball game which I was supposed to bring Henry to and we were supposed to have a nice family night, and now i ruined it by being completely irrational and yelling for the mere fact that his mom came over to visit. I hate me.
How do i get over this? I'm afraid DH and I will crumble if I don't get my act together soon.
Diagnosed PCOS & MFI-Success with IUI
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help-just got in a fight with DH ;-(
Oh, this post touched my heart. You are such a sweet mommy and just a human person with human emotions. Have you explained what you wrote here to your DH? Because it just makes so much sense and made me feel nothing but compassion for you. You might even want to just let him read this post if you can.
And you won't crumble. It sounds like you are a very solid couple - and this is just something that is bringing up a lot of emotions for you. Valid, genuine, perfectly understandable emotions. And pain. And longing, for your own mom.
I work 4 days a week too and still struggle with not being at home more, taking care of my young child. In my mind - it should be ME - and so often - it's not. And it's a delicate emotional balancing act - and I often don't balance it well at all.
Be kind to yourself. Talk over your feelings with DH. It might not "change" anything - but it will help him to understand you're not really angry with *him* - or with his mom - it's just a situation you're working on accepting - and some days are more difficult than others.
((((((( HUGS ))))))
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
this- he will probably understand and it will be fine between you again
((HUGS))
TTC since 2005
missed miscarriage nov 2006- 4 failed clomid cycles-
3 failed femara iui cycles-
moving on to IVF oct 2011
ER nov. 7th
tansfered 2 blasts on 11/10
lots of +hpt!!
beta #1 on 11/21= 50.4
beta #2 on11/23= 90.8
another miscarriage 12/23
moving on to Round 2 of IVF with an auto immune dx
ER 4/23-retrieved 12 eggs
ET 4/28 3 transfered
Beta #1- 356
Beta #2- 870
Umm, I think you just wrote out wayyy better then I ever could by the way..Almost every fight DH and I have had about his mother/my MIL.
The only exception is that my MIL lives far away, in Boston and we are in Fla so I don't get to see her very often, thank god..but even when we do..there is this sense that she is trying to take over, be bossy, and undermine my parenting. It isn't always just with Jake either..she has taken over every major event DH and I have had in our life..my wedding, showers, ect..She feels that she can kind of just take over cause My Mom isn't around and there is no one to sort of put her in her place sort to speak..And I am NOT this confontational..except I am getting better at speaking my mind.
I also know that, NONE of this is true but this is how I FEEL because my Mother is also gone and she doesn't get a say...and I don't have anyone to really stand up for me. Other then DH and my Dad but they are guys and don't really get it sometimes.
But I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. The HARDEST thing I have learned about marriage..is swallowing your pride and appolgizing..I think that you should tell DH how you feel...exactly what you told us..and he may not exactly get it but a least he will understand where you are coming from.
I would also never be afraid to talk about how you feel abt your mother and her death. Sometime we forget to talk about these emotions no matter how long the passing was (my mother passed almost 10 yrs ago) but feelings always come back at certian times. I know that right before I had Jake I was a HOTT mess and actually went and got some counceling to deal with my emotions of not having my Mom and dealing with MIL around. It was very helpful. If you ever want to talk more please feel free to PM me..
Big Hugs..
Oh, sweetie, just tell him what you just told us. Your emotion will come through and he should totally understand. I feel for you just by reading your post, and I don't even know you.
Hang in there! Big hugs!!
sweetie, i think you just need to tell him exactly what you told us.
(((hugs))) hang in there and be gentle with yourself, this is tough stuff.
I agree, tell him exactly what you wrote here. Then I think it might be good for you to talk to someone about what your feeling over the loss of your mom.
I'm sure becoming a mom yourself brings back the grieving process.
(((hugs))). I wish I could come give you a real one.
Diagnosed PCOS & MFI-Success with IUI
First of all, many, many hugs to you!!! Secondly, I can totally relate to your post. My mom passed away three years ago and I'm not really close to my dad. It is so, so hard to watch MIL be grandma, and DH is super close with his mom (honestly, until my mom passed away, I was close with her too, but now I just can't do it
)
When DD was born, we had MIL come to help us for 2 weeks... that was a horrible idea!! I wouldn't let her touch DD, spent much time locked in my room with DD, and basically ignored the poor woman for the entire visit. DH and I fought about it, and I was finally able to tell him what was going on. We were both full of emotions being new parents, and I honestly didn't even realize why I was so upset until I verbalized it to him. I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was to have a baby without my mom around.
Definitely sit down and talk to DH and explain your feelings. Apologize for how you acted, but not for how you feel. You are entitled to those feelings, and he needs to understand.
It has taken me 2 years, but I'm finally starting to be ok with MIL spending time with DD. She lives 2.5 hours away, so we don't see her that often, but when we do I really make an effort to try. I still have issues with the relationship but I know it's important for DD to have her, and I know she really loves DD. I try to remind myself that it's her grandchild too, and it's not her fault that my mom isn't here (as hard as that is!!) It hasn't really gotten easier, just easier to deal with, if that makes sense.
And just remember, your feelings are completely normal!! Don't be so hard on yourself!
I totally and completely feel your pain! My dad died unexpectedly 3 weeks before DS1 was born. It is so hard to see my FIL with my children, even though he is a great grandparent, a much better grandparent than my MIL. It is also hard to see my uncle with his grandchildren. Basically anything that involves a grandpa. I burst into tears at a restaurant once because there was a grandpa having lunch with his daughter and her son. My dad and I used to meet for lunch all the time. This was shortly after DS2 was born so all the emotions of my dad dying were brought up again because his death is so tied into giving birth for me.
It isn't easy and I don't know if this hole will ever cease to feel so overwhelmingly empty. Big hugs to you.
I know for us my father's death was the first loss we experienced as a couple so we weren't prepared on how to grieve and how to support each other. Unfortunately we will have to do this 3 more times.
I think it is important for your DH to know that you aren't just being nit picky, you are still processing your grief. That you will always be processing your grief. Right now it is manifesting itself in the time your MIL gets to spend with your baby. Hopefully if she has ever lost a parent she can sympathize with you and not take it personally.
I also agree with you though that she doesn't need to be over every ding dong day. He is a big boy and can parent his child on his own with out mommy's help.