#1 Wife Award??? How far will you go? Not TTC related...

EM0704 · June 2011

This may be TMI for some of you! Embarrassed

So, lately DH and I have hit a dry patch in our love making.... He works nights so it does make it kind'a difficult to find a time that we are both in the mood! Plus, I've been going through so much emotionally lately that I think he's scared to initiate anything. But I was talking with another deputy's wife last night (while our husbands were at work) and she said that it doesn't matter if she's tired or not in the mood she does it anyways.... Hmm Now I understand that you have to compromise sometimes but EVERYTIME?

Then she tells me that she'll even get up in the mornings sometimes before her DH gets home from work and freshens up so they can have sex when he gets home IF HE WANTS TO...My DH gets home at around 6:20... PLUS she said that they have sex 4-5 times a week! I don't know about yall, but we don't do it that much unless we're trying to make a baby, which we can't do right now!

So I decided last night to get up this morning, take a shower, fix breakfast, I even picked out some lingerie! And that's what I did. When he got home I was standing in the kitchen cooking eggs in my lacy lingerie....AND IT DOES WORK. My concern is...I feel like we only have sex when it's related to making a baby right now. How can I get our minds off of that and back to just us? And I'm not going to get up all the time and make him breakfast so he'll have sex with me! "Do you want some more eggs???...Not until you..." That just doesn't seem right to me.

Does your husband work nights? Even if he doesn't how do you keep things interesting for both of you? We have toys and such... And how do I get him in the mood without having to cook! Wink

ClaraEarlene · June 2011

Since the m/c, DH and I have been in kind of a slump, so I'm looking forward to reading others' suggestions.

We are on the same schedule, so I don't have much advice regarding the timing, except to suggest making the most of his days off or your days off together by doing something special, just the 2 of you. I think you got off to a good start with the breakfast. You probably shouldn't do that all the time (you don't want him getting excited every time he sees an egg), but just being there when he gets home may make a difference. Talk to each other. Find out his feelings about your sex life and ask if he has any ideas.

yuengling58 · June 2011

We try to use the rule that if one person is in the mood, the other person has to at least give it a shot and try to get in the mood. If, after 5 minutes they really don't want to, then we don't. It sucks to get shot down, so we at least try to give each other a chance..

emeraudecephiro · June 2011

My DH works a lot of hours. On his day off, we watch movies and snuggle on the couch and I make sure to put something in the Netflix queue that will make us both feel like 'going to bed' and getting it on and not just for a case of the babies. Usually works!

jkfranklin · June 2011

Yeah, I'm not one to really get into sex. It's ok, but I would rather sleep. There is no way I would be getting up early to get all dolled up for DH unless it was for my benefit. Which it rarely is. I generally "take one for the team" about once a week and then another time if I'm in the mood.

We do work different schedules but he is home most nights before I go to bed. I just have more stuff to do. I know it's wrong, but I tend to use sex as a reward. Like if you give the dog a bath, you will get some tonight.

ETA: I also think that I generally hate the idea of doing it but once I start, I get into it.

GraceInCA · June 2011

It's important to go through the motions, especially when it's not with purpose and it's just for fun. Even after the kid(s), you're still going to want to be with your husband (I hope), so it's important to not sacrifice your sex life this early. Sex shouldn't be a chore, but even if it is a chore once in a while, that's ok. We have sex fairly often. My libido is good, but I know he's the one who is more interested in it, and more frequently. It's not always going to be toe-curling, mind-numbingly good for me, but I'm willing to have some so-so sex or surprise him with oral sex in the morning or something once in a while. He's a good guy, and I don't feel like sex is that much of a sacrifice.

Sorry about the working nights part though. I bet that does make it difficult.

BarooGirl · June 2011

We have the same rule as a lot of you- give it a shot, get the other in the mood...

I realized that although we are fairly active, we needed to spice it up--quality over quantity sometimes. So, I was online the other night and DH asked me what I was looking at now. I answered toys- then I decided to describe them, then order one. We are both excited for the delivery

I also am the queen of quickies. Sometimes, I want sex and dont really care if it is all drawn out and "loving". So I jump him. Or I call him in a room and I am standing there nekkid.---This has been fun, but kind of backfired this week. He has caught on and I walked into the living room yesterday and he is sitting there with his pants down (this is the 2nd time it has happened). Anyway it is good for a laugh and a quickie. It has made this past month more fun in that it is something different and a change up from our usual route.

I do find that the more I get it (quickies or quality) the more I want it. So, I guess it is a win win situation.

sbphotos · June 2011

shmeell25:

We are struggling right now with having non FWP sex. We have been doing it so much in our fertile time that once it's done we have gotten into the bad habit of waiting until it's fertile time again. Another reason I want to get off of this ride, I miss just doing it because. I need to work on that.

I'm interested to read some tips

Yup, me too.

LottaLattes · June 2011

So this is my perspective, coming from marriage #2. I think it's first super, super important to maintain intimacy with your spouse. I know that having kids makes it a LOT more of a chore, especially the first year or two (you start feeling like you're being touched CONSTANTLY and it's just...eargh). However, especially if your husband is more interested in it, it's also important to maintain that part of your relationship. With that said, there are certain boundaries and all that (not just doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, etc.) but I think it's the duty of BOTH partners to put effort in maintaining closeness. With that said, I don't think being more intimate with my X would have changed anything, we had a lot of other issues, but it certainly made it harder to tough it out through the rough times.

There will also be busy times that just make it harder for either of you to get in the mood. Sometimes just talking about good times to initiate helps. In my case, ironically, my husband is super stressed at work these last few months and he's been a lot less needy in that department than I have been. I try really hard to not get offended at the repeated rejection, and we're talking a lot about this and working through it. Having patches of times that don't work as well is fine, but if you don't work hard to make sure it's just a patch then it's easier to grow distant.

I love the idea of trying to get in the mood for X minutes. It had never occurred to me, I'm totally going to suggest that to the Mr.

LaTi07 · June 2011

Fellow law enforcement wife here. DH worked graves his first 3 years on patrol and while it sucked, we still had a good sex life. Sometimes it would be in the AM when he got home, sometimes it would be a quickie before he gets ready. I think though the one thing that kept it interesting was just being spontaneous. We would be driving home from somewhere and I'd tell him to park in a dark parking lot, or behind a store. To DH is wasn't about quantity, it was about quality. While there were weeks we were only able to be intimate 1 or 2 times, those 1 or 2 times were awesome because they were spontaneous and different.

I don't care what anyone say, sex can get boring and you do have to spice it up to keep it interesting. If you are strictly a bed girl, try taking it to the couch, or instead of having an expensive evening out, have a candlelit picnic on the floor of your living room and follow it up with a good romp. I've found that all it takes is one time to bring that spark back. Good luck!

ClaraEarlene · June 2011

PetraStonegirl:
Years ago I had a 'marriage' that collapsed into 7 years of celibacy. Without going into the details, the general circumstance is that he had two 'tween age' children with whom I struck a deal to protect them and raise them to adulthood. Once they were able to live on their own, I left with their blessing if not his.
The reason I bring this up, is because I've seen what can come of allowing too many days to go by without physical intimacy.
With my DH, and my cautionary tale to guide us, we make a point of physical intimacy every day. It may not end in BD every day, but since we're snuggling and kissing, touching and hugging, it could go that way at any time and both would be ready. It actually takes the pressure off if it doesn't happen, because we both can feel that the other is attracted to us even if they don't feel like sex. That being said, we take our FWP around O time very seriously. It's our commitment to each other.
Ultimately, I don't know if this will help you. But, while I don't think it's a wife's 'duty' to open her legs for her husband at the drop of a hat, I do think both a husband and a wife have a duty to cultivate a loving and intimate relationship with each other, or we risk becoming simple long-term roommates. All to often, I think we relegate kissing, holding, and hugging to foreplay, instead of a normal daily occurrence.

Petra, thank you so much for sharing this. What a wonderful foundation for a successful intimate relationship. I'm going to suggest this to my husband, as lately he hasn't seemed much interested in the non-sex snuggling, kissing stuff, and I need that stuff to feel wanted. I know he loves and wants me, but he tends to limit the physical stuff to holding hands now and then, a peck here and there, unless he wants sex.

EM0704 · June 2011

I'm so glad I posted this! It was so great to hear that I'm not the only one that has these issues! Although we've talked about it before, I'm going to try to be more open about all of this to DH and see what how he feels about it! Thanks for all the posts everyone!

LoriJ11 · June 2011

Dh is super busy and works late a lot of nights so by the time he comes to bed I wasn't in the mood. I found this to be often. So we discussed it and made some changes and compromise. We found times when we were both around during the day or eveing or something and we would do some foreplay. . That is what's missing most of the time when women are not in the mood.

If I were you I wouldn't get up early, cook, get all dolled up and ect but maybe wake up when he crawls into bed and freshen up (like brush your teeth, ect) a little and have "snuggle/BD" time then. That way there it's a compromise. You can even fall back asleep with him if it fits into your schedule. Or he can be in the mood when you get home from work or something.

Good luck

exstaticbride · June 2011

I was having the same issue, my husband goes into work about 2 hours after I get home and since I have to be up early, I'm ready for bed before he comes home. I had major success this weekend though. I gave him oral before he left for work. Oh the things your mind can do with that being the last thing before you leave home. He was so ready to come home from his shift, we ended up having sex 3 more times with 24 hours. I've spent the time with the cooking and getting dolled up, takes forever. I think above all of that my DH would rather have the feeling of me taking control at least at the beginning. If you haven't tried, maybe a blind fold, or a scarf to tie his hands up. The best toys are already at your house. Ice, chocolate syrup.....etc. Hope this helps.

xnbride · June 2011

Well I am like the annoying wife you talked to because we do it everyday regardless of whatever is going on. Even if we are mad at eachother. It is the best thing that we have ever done for our relationship and our marriage. It is what saved our marriage when we were in a really rocky place.

It solves so many problems regarding who is going to initiate etc. because we just know that we will find a way to sneak some loving in and it doesn't matter whether I am in the "mood" or not because I will end up enjoying it eventually.

There are exceptions of course (during AF or when I was sick) but we will usually still "play together" I am so goal oriented that I find a way to get "er" done (and by "er" I mean me Wink )

And yes, we have toys (one for clitorial stimulation during sex) that we use almost every time and we do use lube--I am not superwoman lol.

corndog8 · June 2011

I do like alot of these posts

I know when we first started TTC again/or just FW(non)P, it was hard the first 2 months. DH wasn't really into it and I was the initiator and it seemed like it was all about TTC and not really fun - more work. I started to feel really bad about myself and that DH wasn't "into" me anymore, although that was not the case - he was just having a hard time with it now being "purposeful" vs. just fun. We had a couple talks about it and things have gotten much better. I do try little things here and there if it's tired from work (he'll work a pager & night shift every 5 wks or so) or just not super in the mood, like dress up, get a movie out, toy.. etc. I've also tried to not really tell him it's O time, so that he doesn't have that in the back of his head - although lately he'll ask, ok you ready? or what position do you want to try this time? so I know he's into it more now. I know it's important to keep up the intimacy, I think too maybe I'm more in my peak then DH? who knows... GL girl!!

EM0704 · June 2011

corndog8:

I do like alot of these posts

I know when we first started TTC again/or just FW(non)P, it was hard the first 2 months. DH wasn't really into it and I was the initiator and it seemed like it was all about TTC and not really fun - more work. I started to feel really bad about myself and that DH wasn't "into" me anymore, although that was not the case - he was just having a hard time with it now being "purposeful" vs. just fun. We had a couple talks about it and things have gotten much better. I do try little things here and there if it's tired from work (he'll work a pager & night shift every 5 wks or so) or just not super in the mood, like dress up, get a movie out, toy.. etc. I've also tried to not really tell him it's O time, so that he doesn't have that in the back of his head - although lately he'll ask, ok you ready? or what position do you want to try this time? so I know he's into it more now. I know it's important to keep up the intimacy, I think too maybe I'm more in my peak then DH? who knows... GL girl!!

THIS IS ME! But we talked about it! I feel so much better! I love the bump! LOL

EM0704 · June 2011

xnbride:

Well I am like the annoying wife you talked to because we do it everyday regardless of whatever is going on. Even if we are mad at eachother. It is the best thing that we have ever done for our relationship and our marriage. It is what saved our marriage when we were in a really rocky place.

It solves so many problems regarding who is going to initiate etc. because we just know that we will find a way to sneak some loving in and it doesn't matter whether I am in the "mood" or not because I will end up enjoying it eventually.

There are exceptions of course (during AF or when I was sick) but we will usually still "play together" I am so goal oriented that I find a way to get "er" done (and by "er" I mean me )

And yes, we have toys (one for clitorial stimulation during sex) that we use almost every time and we do use lube--I am not superwoman lol.

Yall aren't annoying! Just more dedicated to it than I was! I love that all do it everyday, no matter what! I'm inspired!

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#1 Wife Award??? How far will you go? Not TTC related...

Re: #1 Wife Award??? How far will you go? Not TTC related...

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