Soo upset with DH I could scream

nrjf01 · June 2011

My cousin's wedding is Saturday. DH and I have both been asked to do readings and the rehearsal is Thursday evening. I have been looking forward to this for a while. Since our DD was been born our evenings out alone have been minimal. This wedding is going to be a blast, I have been looking forward to it for a long time and just bought a dress. All my family will be there. We'll be able to just relax and enjoy ourselves.

My DH is a big golfer and was in a tournament this weekend that he won and the the championship is this coming Saturday. My DH wants to call my cousin and see if she can get someone else to do his reading. He would miss the church service and show up at the reception.

I am so upset, angry, hurt, and embarrassed. That he thinks it is ok to skip out on this event for golf. We would have to drive separately. He knows how extremely upset I am and at this point is still planning on going to the tournament, I think. We aren't talking at the moment. How would you feel or handle this situation?

lrrb · June 2011

Oh honey....I FEEL your pain. My husband was a college golfer and for the first 4 years of our marriage played almost every tourney he could get his hands on. After the girls were born he had NO choice but to step it down and is now not playing very much at all (but it does come in spirts still haha). So trust me when I say I get it. Honestly there is something about men that golf that JUST.DON'T.GET.IT. I have a bad feeling that no matter what you say to him it won't change how he feels. However, if you do tell him how you feel it might change his mind about his decision. I hate that you have been so looking forward to this time alone and also thats pretty messed up about the reading bc chances are she already has the programs printed etc. In my opinion I would tell him exactly what you told us and no matter what he ends up doing he needs to know you DO NOT APPROVE and that golf CAN NOT come before you and family. I'm so sorry.

lona.hunn@gmail.com · June 2011

I can see both sides of this argument. He didn't know he'd win and be able to go on to the championships. He must be very excited and proud of himself.

Personally, I don't think being a reader at a wedding is that big of deal. The bride and groom should be able to come up with another person easily.

He'll still make it to the reception. You'll still have your evening out. It's not ideal for you, but it's a decent compromise.

kimberic · June 2011

eriona:
I can see both sides of this argument. He didn't know he'd win and be able to go on to the championships. He must be very excited and proud of himself.
Personally, I don't think being a reader at a wedding is that big of deal. The bride and groom should be able to come up with another person easily.
He'll still make it to the reception. You'll still have your evening out. It's not ideal for you, but it's a decent compromise.

I agree will all of this.

LuckySunshineBaby · June 2011

I'm not seeing your DH's side on this one at all! Plus what if your cousin already printed the programs?

Cassian · June 2011

I'm sorry he made you so upset. I know what it is like to have an idea in your head about how something is going to go, then have it get messed up. I can see both sides of this argument though.

It is a big deal to make it to a championship and your DH is probably thrilled about moving on to the next step. Though he is choosing golf over the wedding (ceremony) he is still coming to the reception, and is compromising to make both things work. I would give him a break, realize that the championship may be HUGE for him to, and see if you have it in to muster up some understanding and smooth things over.

I get like that too caught up in the initial hurt and change of my idea of what is going to happen, but once i have had time to cool off, things don't seem as bad.

I bet that once he gets to the reception and you two get dancing and having fun,, the fight will be long forgotten.

GuitaristsGirl · June 2011

He told your cousin he'd do it. I'm sure she printed programs. I totally get being excited about the championship- DH is a big golfer, too. But, I'm sorry, even though he's "just" a reader, I'm sure it's a big deal to your cousin (or any bride so close to the day). And, he gave his word. I get that, when the tournament started, he didn't know he'd play well- but he did know about the wedding. I'd honestly be mortified to ask my family member to let him out of it at this point. So so sorry you're dealing with this.

cjsbdl · June 2011

Sorry, unless golfing is your husband's profession there is absolutely no way he should back out on reading at someone's wedding to play in a tournament. He made a very important commitment to participate in someone's wedding. I put great care and thought into picking the readers for my wedding...I was thrilled they agreed to participate and would have been really hurt if one of them had backed out at the last minute for a recreational activity.

I cannot believe this is even debatable. He's an adult and should fulfill his commitments.

LVBlvd · June 2011

cjsbdl:
Sorry, unless golfing is your husband's profession there is absolutely no way he should back out on reading at someone's wedding to play in a tournament. He made a very important commitment to participate in someone's wedding. I put great care and thought into picking the readers for my wedding...I was thrilled they agreed to participate and would have been really hurt if one of them had backed out at the last minute for a recreational activity.
I cannot believe this is even debatable. He's an adult and should fulfill his commitments.

I agree with cjsbdl.

My husband's second wife is golf, and he would be thrilled if he did well and advanced in a tournament. But I'd say tough sh*t. If he had committed to being apart of someone's wedding, he would honor that commitment. So what if he is "just" a reader. He is a part of their wedding.

nrjf01 · June 2011

Thanks, guys for all your input. DH and I are still in total disagreement. There is a bit more back story.... I COMPROMISE alot when it comes to letting DH get his outlet with playing golf. He golfed this whole weekend. I worked night shift Saturday night, I am an ICU nurse. The orginal plan was for him to be with DS this morning while I slept. But because he advanced in this tournament he golfed. My neighbor helped us out last minute. But only for two hours. Meaning I got two hours sleep than had to pick her up. Totally exhausted while he enjoyed himself. I have a million examples of this. I know how much this means to him but there has to be a limit and I have reached mine.

DH is now telling me that he is shocked at how I am reacting and refuses to discuss it any futher. How did I get here? All I wanted to do was have a fun relaxing weekend with him and now it is a mess.

charmcitygirl · June 2011

eriona:
Personally, I don't think being a reader at a wedding is that big of deal. The bride and groom should be able to come up with another person easily.

I disagree. I think that being a reader in a wedding IS a big deal. Not everyone wants a large wedding party and this is a way to have others who are special to you involved in the wedding. I was very careful about who I chose as a reader in my wedding and their names were in the printed program.

I understand that your DH is proud of winning this golf tournament, but he's made a commitment to his friend and that should be more important than golf.

fallbride110406 · June 2011

LVBlvd:
cjsbdl:
Sorry, unless golfing is your husband's profession there is absolutely no way he should back out on reading at someone's wedding to play in a tournament. He made a very important commitment to participate in someone's wedding. I put great care and thought into picking the readers for my wedding...I was thrilled they agreed to participate and would have been really hurt if one of them had backed out at the last minute for a recreational activity.
I cannot believe this is even debatable. He's an adult and should fulfill his commitments.
I agree with cjsbdl.
My husband's second wife is golf, and he would be thrilled if he did well and advanced in a tournament. But I'd say tough sh*t. If he had committed to being apart of someone's wedding, he would honor that commitment. So what if he is "just" a reader. He is a part of their wedding.

Ditto all of this. Your husband is being a jacka$$. There's no way in hell this would fly in my house. HE agreed to be in the wedding. IMO, a reader is no different than a groomsman or usher. They have an important role during the ceremony and telling a bride a week before her wedding that he's not coming so he can go golfing? Uh, no. I would be pissed if I were the bride.

It's great that he did good in his tournament, but dude, you're an adult. There's bigger things in life than golf and they're called a FAMILY WEDDING and your MARRIAGE.

ela81 · June 2011

fallbride110406:
LVBlvd:
cjsbdl:
Sorry, unless golfing is your husband's profession there is absolutely no way he should back out on reading at someone's wedding to play in a tournament. He made a very important commitment to participate in someone's wedding. I put great care and thought into picking the readers for my wedding...I was thrilled they agreed to participate and would have been really hurt if one of them had backed out at the last minute for a recreational activity.
I cannot believe this is even debatable. He's an adult and should fulfill his commitments.
I agree with cjsbdl.
My husband's second wife is golf, and he would be thrilled if he did well and advanced in a tournament. But I'd say tough sh*t. If he had committed to being apart of someone's wedding, he would honor that commitment. So what if he is "just" a reader. He is a part of their wedding.
Ditto all of this. Your husband is being a jacka$$. There's no way in hell this would fly in my house. HE agreed to be in the wedding. IMO, a reader is no different than a groomsman or usher. They have an important role during the ceremony and telling a bride a week before her wedding that he's not coming so he can go golfing? Uh, no. I would be pissed if I were the bride.
It's great that he did good in his tournament, but dude, you're an adult. There's bigger things in life than golf and they're called a FAMILY WEDDING and your MARRIAGE.

Ditto all of this!

In reference to your update, I'm sorry he's being a butt and can't see he is 150% wrong! I hate when my DH has his head so far up his @ss he's too dumb to see the spot he's putting others in!

I hope he realizes how wrong he is.

FWIW, my dh got mad the morning of my BFFs wedding b/c he called to see if I would be mad if he worked and extra job (it pays a lot more than his reg hours/big deal for him) and skipped the wedding and reception. He was not in the wedding but, I about went through the roof while trying not to let it show b/c bride was right next to me. Like you it was going to be a night out, MIL was spending the night at our house with dd. He shut up about it and came but, the fact that he asked made me so mad.

itsmevkb · June 2011

My husband is like this with fishing. It's his passion and something he does both for fun and for money. He fishes in tournaments and also runs a small guide fishing business during the summers. He sees it as his one true outlet to let off stress and although I have been where you are (mad, hurt, upset, in tears over what I consider his selfishness) I can also see his side of things. For us, my husband works very hard and does an amazing job as a dad. He is with our kids more than I am and I know that combined with his work, he can get super stressed out and unfortunately, attending my counsin's wedding would be way lower on his list of things to bring him pleasure if the other choice were fishing, much less fishing in a tournament that he could win.

I'm not saying that I agree with your husband's choices and I know that if it were me I would be embarassed having to explain his absence to the bride as well as the rest of my family, but honestly, I think men see these situations totally differently. For the sake of keeping the peace I would probably try and smooth things over with your cousin and offer to do both readings. But, I also think your husband would owe you big time.

dusk42 · June 2011

He made a commitment, and he should honor it.

At the very least, if he chooses to take this path, he needs to be the one who calls and explains to your cousin why he is choosing to do this tournament instead of fulfilling his commitment in her wedding. You can call her later and apologize, but he needs to man up and take all the flak that your family rightly deserves to throw at him.

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