Inappropriateness from my mother - long

Gregermis · June 2011

So........ I felt the need to let my mom know I'd be m/c any day now because I was looking for some support from family and my parents know that we're struggling with IF. I sent her a txt because I didn't think I could keep it together through a phone call... basically DH and I actually got pg, but just found out I will m/c

Her response: "Interesting update something must have been wrong with the developing fetus and subsequent fertilization is generally easier"

Me: "That's not interesting, it's sad!"

Mom:"Only sad if the result was a healthy baby. Otherwise not sad"

Needless to say I burst into tears again and cried so hard my nose started bleeding. So she decides to call and keeps trying to tell me that it's not sad. Who says that? Luckily dad took over the phone. He said everything right and helped calm me down.

LindzK · June 2011

So sorry you had that experience. Really glad that your dad was there to help calm you down. FWIW, my mom probably would have said something insensitive like that also. I would try to e-mail her and tell her how you feel about her reactions. It may help? But if it would just make you relive that situation, then don't (or wait a few days). Sometimes it helps me to write my mom an e-mail. It lets me say everything I want to say without her butting in or making a smart *ss comment. Really sorry again. (((lots of hugs)))

jbeck78 · June 2011

So sorry that you are going through this, and it is sad..its sad that you struggled so long to get pregnant, its sad that you have to miscarry and its sad that your mom is not supporting you like you need..IF all alround is sad..and it sucks..I'm sorry hun, at least your Dad knew what to say!

wordslikeswords · June 2011

I'm glad your dad was able to say the right things. Dads have a way with words with their daughters. I'm really sorry you had to have that conversation at all.

girlofsummer78 · June 2011

Wow. I hope she was saying those things because she didn't know what else to say and really didn't mean them. Glad your Dad was there to talk with you.

maybebride · June 2011

I will never understand why people feel the need to be clinical and scientific in these situations. It doesn't matter if your baby would have been healthy or not; you loved it from the minute you knew it existed. I'm so sorry you mom couldn't find the right words. I'm so glad your dad could. Maybe he can talk to her. I agree with whoever said to maybe email her your feelings. Perhaps one of those lists with things to and not to say.

I'm really, really sorry you are having to deal with this on top of what you are already going through.

Gregermis · June 2011

maybebride:

I will never understand why people feel the need to be clinical and scientific in these situations. It doesn't matter if your baby would have been healthy or not; you loved it from the minute you knew it existed. I'm so sorry you mom couldn't find the right words. I'm so glad your dad could. Maybe he can talk to her. I agree with whoever said to maybe email her your feelings. Perhaps one of those lists with things to and not to say.

I'm really, really sorry you are having to deal with this on top of what you are already going through.

Exactly, I think dad was able to communicate what she did wrong. Usually mom is good about saying the right things and then using logical arguments after to help cheer me up... I really don't think she knew what to say like pp said.

ChicagoWeded2007 · June 2011

NOT SAD?!?!?! WTF. Sorry you are dealing with this.

When I had my miscarriage, it was a missed miscarriage and I had to have a D&C. My BIL called it an abortion and I am still angry when I think about it.

byrne15 · June 2011

sorry to hear...my mom made me feel similar after my m/c

mwlove · June 2011

I'm so sorry you had to go through that conversation with your mom. It is sad that you are miscarrying. I'm glad your dad was able to say the right things to calm you down and I hope your mom comes around and realizes how sad it really is.

Hugs to you!

kasey9kahne · June 2011

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. ((HUGS)) T&P for you and your baby.

Ya Never Know · June 2011

I'm so sorry about her response sweetie, but I'm glad your dad was there for you in the way that you needed him to be. I'm sure your mom just didn't know how to handle the situation, maybe when she has more time to let it sink in she'll change. ((hugs))

jb2rn · June 2011

Oh! that is so not what your want your Mom to say. I am sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. I am glad your Dad could cheer you up a bit.

hugs to you, my friend.

Gregermis · June 2011

ChicagoWeded2007:

NOT SAD?!?!?! WTF. Sorry you are dealing with this.

When I had my miscarriage, it was a missed miscarriage and I had to have a D&C. My BIL called it an abortion and I am still angry when I think about it.

OMG.. are you kidding me!? That's waaaaaay beyond inappropriate! I'm so sorry girl!

ChicagoWeded2007 · June 2011

Gregermis:
ChicagoWeded2007:

NOT SAD?!?!?! WTF. Sorry you are dealing with this.

When I had my miscarriage, it was a missed miscarriage and I had to have a D&C. My BIL called it an abortion and I am still angry when I think about it.

OMG.. are you kidding me!? That's waaaaaay beyond inappropriate! I'm so sorry girl!

He denied it later, but I know what I heard.

Cheetara2 · June 2011

So sorry your Mom isn't being there for you like you want her to be. ((Hugs))

CluckyEV · June 2011

Thank goodness for Dads! Sorry she was being so insensitive. So glad your dad was there to calm you down. Dads can be the best listeners.

faydre · June 2011

Hugs.

HotChocolate79 · June 2011

I am so sorry she wasn't supportive. Not making excuses for her, but sometimes when people don't now what to say, they start saying stupid things. I am sure she knows it's beyond sad as everything about IF is. I am very sorry this is happening to you.

kathrynlo · June 2011

I am so sorry you had that experience with your mom, but I am glad that your dad was there to calm you down. I will always be a daddy's girl, and he always knows what to say, they just have a way with words with their daughters. ((HUGS))

ELF4321 · June 2011

Ugh. I'm sorry your mom isn't as supportive as she should be. The last time I talked with my mom about ttc before she died, she told me that she didn't think I should have a baby because she didn't like the idea of having a grandchild that lived so far away. She thought I should focus on a career and travel instead because she never got a chance to do all of that (been there, done that, with the high-powered career and it made me miserable and depressed). Needless to say, it's hard for me knowing that she didn't really want me to have a child.

I just try and remind myself that she wasn't saying it to be hurtful -- and I'm sure your mom thought she was being helpful or trying to get you to look on the bright side of things, or something. Misguided, but probably not malicious.

DoubleBubble08 · June 2011

ugh. I'm so sorry you even have to deal with that, especially from someone you really wanted/needed support from. I'm glad you have your dad.

Hugs!

mrslaurah · June 2011

Ugh...this is why my mother doesn't know about our fertility issues....sounds like she'd get along great with your mother! Whenever mom offers up an opinion about why we don't have a baby yet, we just respond that we're working on it and that it'll happen when it happens. Luckily my stemother and brother are much more understanding and supportive! Good luck....the ignoring tactic works best with my mom, even though it's hard sometimes to go through this without her knowledge and support.

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