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Snickerdoodle11611
member
Torn (long)
Snickerdoodle11611
member
I am 18 weeks pregnant and my FI left me in April and called off our wedding (planned/booked for May 22). He had a breakdown and told me that thinking about marrying me and having this baby made him want to kill himself and that I should do what was best for the baby and have an abortion since he was not going to be a father. Of course I did not do that and decided to continue the pregnancy alone.
Now, he's seeing a counselor, on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication and he wants to be involved in the baby's life. I am fine with him being a father and want my baby to have a relationship with him. He claims it will be too hard with us living separately and wants us to move in together but has made it clear he does not want to get married. He also said he doesn't want to deal with any lawyers or court for things like child support, custody, etc. In my heart I know I am worth more than this especially since I had the ring and we had our wedding completely planned (I was stuck with over $1,500 worth of non-refundable deposits, he has never offered to pay for those).
I need advice as to whether I try to make things work, let him move in and try to be a family, even though he is not willing to marry me or if I should just say that we need to work on coparenting and leave our relationship out of it? I do still love him, but I am very very torn on this.
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Re: Torn (long)
1. Don't let him move back in. At this point you will need to date again and with your eyes wide open to do YOU want to continue this relationship. THIS relationship, the relationship that he has changed and rocked your trust that he will be there in good times and tough stressful times.
Take your time and you have have as much as you want. He needs to earn back the trust. This isn't a okay we are done w/ this issue let's move on and forget about it.
2. Just b/c he doesn't want to deal with child support or court orders doesn't mean he doesn't HAVE to. You file for CS and let him file for visitation time. It's to protect the child and both the parents. I put it to my douche of an ex this way, that "every time you come over to see the children I won't have to nag you about money we'll have the state take care of it fairly and then you won't feel like I'm taking advantage of you."
Concentrate on you and the baby. Concentrate on getting yourself and your support network set up and ready. If he comes along for the ride and puts on his big boy pants and helps great, but you don't need him.
And don't worry about the lasat name. You name the baby your last name and you can pu thim on the BC, if you do later work things out and get married you can turn the BC over and their is a name correction form you both sign it and the baby's last name will become his. Easy peasy...***This only works if the unmarried couple has a baby together and both parents names are on the BC and then later get married***
Yah, pretty much every single thing that sweetie said. Do you really WANT to get back together with him, or do you feel like you SHOULD?
How does your family feel given that he called things off last minute and demanded that you get an abortion, just curious.
Make him prove it. That will show if he is really serious or not. Guys like him seem to want everything instantly. He made a rash decision to flip flop and a horrible decision to even suggest that you get an abortion. That's a big deal. Trust has been broken and only TIME will heal that. if he doesn't understand that then good riddance.
Thank you so much ladies for all this great advice- you are both so right. I need to focus on me and the baby. I feel like a major part of me wants more for the baby, a father and a mother together, but I also don't trust that he won't just give up and walk away at any point down the road. Of course the emotions and hormones of pregnancy are not helping me at all!
My family is horrified by him and feels like I have to open my eyes and see who this man is, someone who is only going to walk away. They would be so angry at me if I let him move back in. I agree with you both on him having to prove it and keeping my eyes wide open. Thank you ladies- I needed some perspective and to realize that in my heart that little voice is telling me to let him go and just focus on having a healthy relationship as co-parents only.
I am going to go ahead and move forward with CS for the reasons that you used sweetie- I have to protect myself and he can file for visitation. Also I like the whole option of being able to change the baby's last name down the road if things can be worked out, I definitely had already been leaning toward giving the baby my last name.