Frustrated with negative comments after the birth- vent

lily37 · June 2011

When I was pregnant I got a ton of negative comments about wanting to go natural. Finally I learned to keep my mouth shut and not volunteer any information about my birthing preferences. Now that DS has been born I inevitably get questions about the birth from friends wanting to hear the story, and although I was able to achieve my goal of not getting an epidural I STILL get negative comments! I hear that my labor was easy compared to theirs, that DS wasn't that big so it wasn't as hard for me to push him out as it was for their 9lb baby, etc. I don't understand why people just can't be supportive! And it's not like I posted on FB "I was able to do it without an epi and you weren't..ha ha ha!" THEY asked ME! It's frustrating how it seems as though women have to constantly compete with each other. I'm not expecting any accolades but I am pretty darn proud of myself for sticking with my birth plan and meeting my goal. Why is it so hard for women to say "I'm happy for you in being able to reach your goal" rather than turning labor/birth into a competition! OK...vent over... Did any of you have this experience after LO's birth?

dannie2011 · June 2011

You should be proud of yourself, you were able to have the birth you wanted and should only be hearing congratulation. Some people are just so rude at times when they see how you got what you wanted and they couldn't say I told you so. I have had 4 kids all natural and ppl still try to talk me into an epi they keep saying you don't get a a gold medal for doing it why go through the pain. They tend to talk to me like I don't know what to expect. I think ppl are never happy unless you do things their way. Again congrats and enjoy your baby.

ridesbuttons · June 2011

Pushing a kid out is hard, 6lbs, 9lbs, whatever. Especially the first time.

Women who are competitive about their labour/deliveries are an insecure bunch.

I have one 'friend' who revised her labour/birth experience after I went natural. I just roll my eyes at her. I mean, who cares? I don't go around bragging about it or even bringing it up. If someone asks, I will tell them.

You should be proud of yourself.

sschwege · June 2011

I experienced the same thing! Although it was more women just shaking their heads and saying that I was crazy.

I think some women feel threatened when they hear about someone who went med-free. My SIL had her baby 6 weeks before me. She kind of went into it with a 'wait and see' approach, open to an epi, but at the same time not demanding one the minute she walked into the door. She ended up getting an epi and six weeks later I had a med-free birth. We are very close, she is one of my best friends and I always got the feeling that our different births haunted her a little bit. A few months later I finally got up the courage to talk to her about it and mentioned to her that her contractions were almost certainly harder than mine because her water broke at the onset of labor and she was given Pit. She said that while she was so happy for me that I had had such a good experience, it made her feel a little 'wimpy' for getting an epi when I didn't. I think my SIL's statement is probably representative of what a lot of women feel when they hear a med-free story.

I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you, they might be struggling with the fact that their birth was not as good of an experience as yours was.

alliapistor · June 2011

Have you visited The Mompetition? https://www.themompetition.com/search/label/Video%20Short

I don't know why, but some women feel the need to be competitive about the most ridiculous of things. I'm suprised the natural birth v. epi hasn't made it as a video short yet.

catie333 · June 2011

it's their shitty insecurities in thier own birth that make them have to put yours down. I hate that people feel the need to justify WHY they couldn't or didn't want to do it.

abell77 · June 2011

This happened to me too. People need to make comments so they can make themselves feel better and justified in their different choices. Be proud of yourself and try not to let other's opinions get you down.

Sharon21 · June 2011

This situation bothers me too! The usually response when people ask me if I had an epidural and I say no is "why wouldn't you get one?!" Like I am an idiot for not. I think the negative comments come from their insecurity because I was able to accomplish something that they weren't.

I am very proud of the fact that I went natural and you should be too! I really could care less what other think about it, I don't need their approval. And for the record a med-free birth doesn't equal an easy birth. With both of my DD's my water broke at the begining of labor. With DD#1 I had to have pitocin. Both were large babies DD #1 was 8lbs 11 oz and DD#2 was 9lbs 2oz and both labors were long 24 1/2 hours and 27 1/2 hours.

cheerleader.08 · June 2011

I am sorry! My MIL treated me like that, and I still can remember our conversation three years later. I think women turn childbirth into a competition because it is one of the last rites of passage that we have in our society. Gender roles are not as clearly defined, so the ability to give birth can set you apart. I felt that same pressure to not be proud of breastfeeding as well.

jo4janet · June 2011

Women who say that your labor was easy compared to theirs are insecure and jealous that they weren't able to give birth without drugs. My sister had two boys, both with epidurals and kept telling me that I needed the epi. I totally ignored her and all the other countless people and did what I wanted, which was to have a pain med-free birth (back labor and all), except for the pit, which I didn't want. Just shrug the comments off and the next time someone asks you and you think they might have a negative comment, try to come up with something to nip it in the bud before it happens. If you can't and they make a comment like their labor was harder than yours, you can always say something like "Everyone's labor is different and it's inappropriate to compare".

christina627 · June 2011

You should be happy. I didn't have this fight with our family/friends that got an epi...maybe bc I had PIT and an over 10 lber. We more just tried to respect each others decisions.

I will say that one of my friends from college just posted on FB that his little sister that went in for some surgery had an epi that went bad and is now paralyzed...hopefully it's just temperary, but it's a reminder that even though these things seem routine, they can have very bad outcomes...no procedure/surgery is without risk.

Ripli · June 2011

catie333:
it's their shitty insecurities in thier own birth that make them have to put yours down. I hate that people feel the need to justify WHY they couldn't or didn't want to do it.

This exactly. Its all about how they feel inferior or wimpy and therefore need need to put you down or take potshots at you to try and make themselves feel better.

Kdonn15 · June 2011

I think some people could take offense to someone saying that they are proud they were able to have the birth experience they wanted, especially if the other person did not get the birth experience they wanted. It's kind of a defense mechanism, i don't think you should take it too harshly, but grateful you got what you wanted because you were lucky things worked out that way.

Bluescarf · June 2011

I've gotten this a lot. It doesn't really bother me because I know they're feeling a little insecure about their own experiences, which they shouldn't. The only thing that does bug me is when a woman tells me she felt the same things I did because her epi wore off. Ugh.

lolinshag · June 2011

FTM, here. Going to hopefully do a "natural" birth, as both my mother and my SIL had complications from their epi's that resulted in back problems for life. I have wanted to go med-free for years b/c of this which some people try to talk me out of. It is a personal decision. I mean, I've never heard of someone deriding any other hospital patient for choosing one treatment vs another, so people just need to stay the heck out of it!

So yesterday, my niece brings over this little white trash friend of hers who is pregnant and due about a week before me (I was babysitting niece's LO). We were talking about our doctors, registry, blah, blah, blah. My niece pipes up that I want to go natural. Her friend looks at me like I am from Mars or something, turns her nose up in the air, and (in a scathing voice) says, "Well I have no need to prove my womanhood to anyone. I know I am a woman and don't need to suffer to prove it!"

Ok, first of all, that little ____ better be glad I didn't immediately reach over and snatch the hair off her head for her disrespectful tone of voice in my own house (not to mention I almost twice her age!). Hell, I am almost 30 y/o and my mother would still take a switch to me for that kind of behavior!

Oh, and I wanted soooo badly to rip her a new hole about living in a freaking motor home (you know the little pop out ones that can be pulled behind a truck?) with 2 other 18 y/o's, holes in the roof and floor, no appliances, her not knowing which crack fiend is the daddy, her not having a job, and her not getting any prenatal care (which is free in her state if you need it, they will even provide a doula at no charge!)

And she says she is a woman, huh? No, she is female. There is a difference, b/c a real woman would do anything and everything to provide for her child! Whether or not someone chooses to go natural has nothing to do with being a real woman.

I am sorry I just jacked your post, but this just happened yesterday and your post got me flaming mad all over again! I feel like getting out the pitch forks and flaming torches and forming a mob or something, hahaha.

beautiflaw · June 2011

I feel the same way. I pretty much have stopped looking for support among my friends and family members. They all think I'm nuts. It seems to me that a lot of the women I've talked to think that I'm trying to somehow be superior, just trying to hard to be "different", or trying to "out mommy" them or something. They are the same way about me cloth diapering too though.

DiademChi · June 2011

Ugh. Sounds like they were jealous or insecure that they didn't have a natural birth, so have to make rude comments like that to make themselves feel better.

I just have to say congratulations for having your child naturally. I'm glad there weren't any complications and you were happy with your birth experience. I hope I get to have a natural childbirth, too.

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