three under three - would we be crazy to consider this? (a bit long)
I don't start posts on here a lot, but I lurk a lot, and add to existing posts when I feel like I can contribute... But I have a situation that is weighing pretty heavy on me in both responses to it...
DD1 was born in Jan 2009, DD2 was born in Sept 2010, so we already had two under two. DD2's birthparents have not really been able to pull things together like we had hoped for following DD2's birth, and I just found out through BF's mom that BM is pregnant again. I haven't spoken to either parent to find out if they are making another adoption plan, but I suspect that will be the case based on their personal situation right now.
We had always said that two was all we would seek out for adoption, but if a third came into our lives, especially if it was a birth sibling of one of our DDs, we would like to have a third. However, this pregnancy came so close on the heels of DD2, that we are worried that we would be enabling the birthparents if we were to adopt this child... that they would think that they could just keep getting pregnant and we would keep sending money to support BM during the pregnancies, and they wouldn't have to make some real changes in their lives.
The other complicating issue is that I quit my job two months ago to stay home with the girls, and we haven't built back up a nest egg (since ours was depleted 8 months ago when DD2 was born). I'm not sure that we could either afford the legal fees through even a private adoption or afford the formula and diapers (and the new vehicle that three carseats would require!) once the baby was here, although I know we could find a way to make all of this work (we certainly would if I was pregnant!).
I guess I'd just like to hear what others might do in this situation... I feel like the right thing to do is to walk away, but that thought kind of kills me inside a little.
Re: three under three - would we be crazy to consider this? (a bit long)
My first response- I'd throw caution to the so-called wind and go for it... but I've always wanted three children.
My second response to some of your direct concern... I wouldn't let things like "enabling birth parents" change my mind. I had this issue w/a math that fell apart. It really bothered me when the attorney said "don't worry.... if you want two or three... birth mom is a baby factory and will surely get pregnant again VERY soon". Wow.... my unethical meter went off. That said, there are many issues to look at and adoption reform is just one of them.
Finally, the finances.... that's so personal. Listen to your heart and gut. You'll know what's right for your family.
History of IF and 2.5 years TTC. The day we were to start our first IUI we received a call that changed our lives forever and 10 month old Olivia joined our family. Shortly thereafter we got a surprise BFP and baby 2 is due July 5, 2012
I think if this baby is placed for adoption and you are contacted, you definitely have to consider it. That doesn't mean you have to say yes. I don't think I would seek out the birthmom, if she comes to you, then listen to what she has to say. Hey, if she is looking for financial support, the later she comes to you in the pregnancy, the less time you'll have to pay it! Unfortunately, people make choices that don't improve their lives all of the time. You providing financial support during this pregnancy, won't make her any less likely to improve her life after the birth. At this point, I think I would just wait it out.
I think a birth sibling is a HUGE gift! However, if you choose to adopt this baby, I would stress that your family is now complete and that you don't wish to be contacted about any future children. I think you need to see what happens and spend some time with the idea to see how you really feel about it. Also ask yourself, how will I feel if I know DD's sibling goes to another family? Your answer to that question, may be the deciding factor!
I'd do it!! For sure. I'd do whatever I could to make it happen.
I don't think you're enabling at all, it's not like you are required to adopt all of the children that BM has you know?
Good luck!
Off B.C. Jan '06, started charting Feb '08, 2% morphology and PCOS, no O with meds,
IVF w/ICSI only option to conceive.
Licensed Foster Parents 07.11
Miracle BFP 7.20.11 1st beta 6,274! EDD 3.17.12
Miracle Baby born March 5, 2012 . 6lbs 1oz, 19 3/4"
Miracle BFP #2 10.8.12 - edd 6.20.13
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I would say go for it if you can, it is such a wonderful gift. We adopted DD1's biological sister. They are just under one year apart and it is going really well so far and they absolutely adore each other. I often think about what I would do if their BM called again about adopting a third baby and I really don't think I could pass it up. I don't think it is enabling the BP's, but I also hope that they can make changes in their lives.
In response to the expense part, I would ask the agency or attorney you are working with if there are any reductions in cost. We only had to pay for court costs for the second adoption and the agency covered the BM expenses out of a fund they have set aside. Originally they were going to charge the same amount as our first adoption, but we asked them about reducing the cost. Since they didn't have to match us and we were not officially waiting with them they didn't have those costs.
Hope this helps, I tend to ramble.
Thank you all for the advice! If it were any other situation other than the birthsibling of DD2, I wouldn't hesitate to walk away... I know there are lots of wonderful families waiting for their child, and it's not the ideal timing for us to have a third.
The thing that makes me hesitate is because this is a birthsibling to DD1, and I think that would be such a great thing for the two of them to have eachother.
You're right though, I will wait for her to come to me, if that's what she wants, and we can discuss whether we'd be the right match for them this time around. If the baby ends up in another adoptive family, I'd definately ask to have contact!
lurker here with random side note:
We can fit tree carseats in a row if two of them are Sunshine Kids radian seats.
Good Luck.