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Military Families
Problems with deployed DH?...WWYD??
My pregnant self, and DS#1 came to the main land from Guam in Feb, DH dropped us off and had to go back to Guam because he was scheduled to deploy in April. long story short there they moved the deploy date a bunch and finally settled on (edited by Mod for OPSEC violations).
Since DH left to go back to Guam he has been a completely different person. Spending money like we are rich, completely drown himself in work, hardly making time to communicate with us. Now hes deployed and spending even more money. and to top it all off he didnt take care of ANYTHING before he left.
I have no power of attorney for him. He was supposed to send a box with important paper work (ie: birth certificate, ss card for DS#1 ect.) he didnt make time, or was just too lazy to do it, and said he'd have his buddy send it after he left. Well he never gave his friend the box to send. We live on base and have yard inspections every week, and he didnt line someone up to mow the yard. He didnt call the cable or phone company to get everything completely shut off. Hes been in port for one day (on deployment for one week) and already spent ALL of his pay check. Thank god i get a paycheck from the VA or i would be screwed with 2 kids...
I know he sounds like a jack ass, but he has NEVER acted like this in the 3 years we have been together. He's always been responsible, and reliable. This is all so weird to me. And i am at my wits end with him, and i have no idea what to do anymore. I have tried to tell him he has a spending problem, and i have laid everything out for him. But it doesnt seem to be working at all.
What can i do? this is putting so much stress on me, and our relationship. i am over it and just want it to end.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Problems with deployed DH?...WWYD??
Translation: Talk to someone in his supervision....
I would talk to the Family Readiness Officer... I believe in the Navy it's called your Ombudsman? They should be able to help you with those sorts of issues. I know someone who had a financial issue arise, she talked to the FRO and within 24 hrs the FRO had arranged a phone call between her and her husband. Just long enough to solve the issue, and a quick luvyou/missyou/bye, but it got the job done.
The FRO/Ombudsman would probably be able to help you arrange lawn care, and try to get your husband to send the important paperwork. Personally though, I wouldn't want those to be mailed, stuff gets lost so easily! If you do, make sure it is insured and sent with a tracking number. He may also be able to get your husband on top of the Power of Attorney issue, but obviously your husband will need to cooperate with that one.
ETA: Also, have you notified them that you are back in the states? I know for Okinawa and the USMC/USAF, if you leave for more than a month, you can lose your on base housing, which would be a nasty surprise for you down the line. Plus the command (mostly the Ombudsman) needs to know your location/contact info so they can get a hold of you.
thank you beloved. that helps. but the only way i will get the paper work not is to either re-order it which will take weeks, and i have to get passports forall of us to get back to guam in 2 and a half months.
Yes, the ombudsman knows that i am back in the states, i only left to have the baby, to have the help of family after he arrived (since we were only in Guam about 4 months before i had to leave.) We dont lose our housing, we made sure of that before we made the decision to send us home. We just have to make sure someone takes care of the yard, and watches the house.
I am hesitant to call his supervisor because i dont want to get him in trouble, but i think its something that needs to be done.
If i could talk to my husband this wouldnt be an issue. i have tried to tell him that he has a spending problem and the things that he is doing are not right, but he didnt listen to the money issue and the email on the ship has been down for a while.
My husband went through a phase where he started spending our money more than the norm, and no matter what I said to him, it didn't stop until he REALIZED how his spending habits were affecting our daily lives. But it was something he had to see on his own, not something I could force him to see.
I would want to get down to why he is being so distant....Especially with two kids. Does he miss you all that much? Is he seeing someone else? Is he just really stressed out??
I know that when my DH first got to the sandbox on his deployment, he wasn't like himself for the first few weeks, but he came around. But I would be worried too, if I were you. When a man changes out of nowhere, there is usually some kind of underlying reason...
Why do you need a passport to go back to Guam? Its a part of the US and I go all the time without one ..... just curious ....
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
My husband was able to obtain a power of attorney on his ship while underway and mail it back to me to take care of some stuff for him before we were married. So even though he's gone he should still be able to take care of that.
Such a drastic behavior change is usually an indicator that something is wrong. If something is going on with him his command needs to know for his safety and the safety of those on the ship with him.
LOL Austins i love you and the things you say! i will do this. i am at the end of my rope and if i do this, and it doesnt work i might start throwing the word divorce around.
he is under A LOT of stress, he is on deployment with a bunch of people who have never been on deployment or on a boat. So that is stressful. He was working a lot of hours before he left, like i said drowning himself in work. He didnt take a day off before he left either. I doubt that he would be seeing someone else. But he worked a lot more, and a lot harder when he went to Haiti for disaster relief effort. He was on the comfort, (and he works on helicopters) so everyone that needed medical attention came to them. They worked 16+hr days on a flight deck catching and launching aircraft, and he still made time to communicate with me.
I have to get passports to go to Guam because we will have to fly through Japan because getting tickets through Hawaii are far and few between, and more expensive.
well email came back up on the ship, and i sent him an email breaking everything down for him> i explained that he has a spending problems and reasons a, b, and c were why. and then i told him that he has changed, and isnt the man i married. and reasons a, b, and c were why. and he actually agreed with everything that i said. He said that he's and impulse person, and he knows that and that since he's been away from us he's been hanging out with his friends and guys from work more, which most happen to be single, and they all seem 'carefree with spending money and [he] emulates that' (his words). He said the only way he feels that he could remedy that, is to just stay on the ship the rest of the deployment. (he likes to go to extremes sometimes) and i told him no, that wouldnt be fair to him, or me in the kids in the long run because being cooped up on a ship for the next 6 months would make him angry by the time he got home. I told him that he needs to LEARN to curb the spending and to LEARN when to say no, i dont need to buy that. and staying on the ship wouldnt help that. i told him that i would help him learn how to do these things. and proposed a plan on how. (i havent heard back yet, because the email went down.... again)
he also agreed that he has changed and that he does tend to make work his priority, and explained that, the reason for that is because he knows if he didnt keep himself busy that the days would just drag by and he would constantly think about being away from home, and his family, and that would just depress him. I told him that i understood why he works the way he does, but he still needs to take more time out to communicate with me, and that 5 minute emails i have been getting arent cutting in anymore. (his emails have been like white noise, almost just words to fill negative space... empty) all i ask from him is that he communicate better, and answer the questions that i have.
apparently they are pulling back in to Guam (edited by Mod for OPSEC violations). so he is going to send the important stuff to me then (with the tracking number and insurance). I took care of someone mowing our lawn. Luckily the ONE friend(literally one) i have there has a son old enough to mow, and old enough to get a little spending money.
i am hoping all this works out the way its supposed to, i know it would be really hard for me to bring myself to divorce him... i kinda like him... a lot. LOL!
thank you for all of the advice Ladies. What do you think of what i said back to him?
Please remove the dates from your posts - very dangerous even after they've returned.
Second - deployments are hard. Some guys will write pages each night. Others don't send emails for weeks. It's rough, I know, but they all handle it differently. If its hard for him to think of things to say, maybe do a daily question for him (favorite___), etc.
For the passports, check with the airline, sometimes passport requirements are waived if you're not leaving the terminal and just laying over in that country. Otherwise, if you contact the ombudsmen, they can get in touch with the command who can make a POA underway for you. If you are getting one for any children, you also have to have a special form from the us passport people signed and notorized! You can't just walk into a post office with a POA for children, you MUST have that form from the father. You can get it and send into Guam where its waiting for him to complete when they return and he could send it at the same time.
This.
I also think you are putting a lot of the blame on him, when the blame is shared. You both should have all of this taken care of before you moved back to the states and before he deployed. Sounds like bad planning on both of your parts.
Something I have learned is that you ALWAYS have a POA, year around, deployed or not. You always have the important documents with you, or ready to go at a moments notice. Hopefully, now you know better.
I agree with everything said so far, but I would like to add that maybe you need another bank account. When he gets paid, all the $$ needed for bills etc, goes to one acct and the other keeps his spending money. He needs to cut up the card with access to the bills so he is not tempted to use that $.
Then he can still feel like he can go out, but you don't have to worry about him draining all of your funds.