South Florida Babies

Need help and advice on sleep issues and possible depression

Hello ladies -

I know that I've been offline for a long time, but I could really use some advice.  Our baby girl was born in mid-march and is almost 12 weeks old.  Up until about a week ago I would have said that everything was going pretty much as well as could be expected.  Her older brother just turned 3 and is very loving towards her (if pushing his boundaries with us as much as any 3 year old).

 

The sleep issues started last Friday (at 11 weeks old), J has decided that she only wants to take cat naps in the Bjorn, and is pretty much outright refusing to be soothed to sleep any other way and won't self-soothe at all.  She used to be very good about going back to sleep after night-time feedings, but for the past few nights she's started going back to sleep and then waking up after 45 or 60 minutes and wanting to stay awake for an hour.  It's not like she has her days and nights mixed up - she's just sleeping a LOT less than she should be - unless she's in the Bjorn.  The problem with the Bjorn is that I've had back problems for the past decade and I can't wear her in it for more than about 30 minutes without being in pain.

 

So between the lack of sleep, the resulting headaches and back pain, etc I've reached a point where I just feel like I can't take it anymore.  I don't want to be around the baby and I'm feeling violent towards her (though I would *never*) do anything.  If she just liked car rides or the stroller or SOMETHING else, I'd be happy to soothe her that way, but we can't find anything other than being outside in the Bjorn that will calm her down and even then she has to be very settled before we try to come back inside and we've never been able to transfer her out of it to anywhere else.

 

So aside from general advice, here are my questions:

1.  How can you teach a baby self soothing?  I would have said she was getting the hang of it pretty well, but this week not only is she not soothing herself, she's resisting all my attempts as well.  She definitely prefers being on her belly to her back, and during the day trying to do tummy time used to result in her taking a nap with her face smushed into her pacifier.  These days being on her tummy usually results in fussing that turns into screaming with frustration if she's not flipped back over.  She also starts fussing if left on her back - or in the chair or the swing.  For that matter, she would prefer to be walked outside in the Bjorn 24/7, but we can usually come back inside once she's settled down (which is good since it's so hot).

2.  How old does a baby have to be to cry it out (since she's spending so much time resisting any soothing I attempt anyway).  We did this with my son for middle of the night wakings around 9 months and it probably took about 10 days - we only did it with him then, because he was also refusing to be calmed by us so we figured if he was going to scream we might as well go in on the intervals as recommended by Ferber instead of sitting there patting him uselessly.  I'm pretty sure she's *way* too young, but I'm beginning to feel like I don't know what else to try.

 3.  Any books or articles that you'd recommend - we've been trying to follow the guidelines in "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", but there isn't much advice in there on how to soothe and some of the recommendations just outright don't work.

4.  On the topic of my frustration, what's normal for all mothers and when should I be concerned that this may be something more like Post Partum Depression?  I'm trying to tell myself that it's just lack a of sleep and a good 5 hour stretch one of these days would fix that, but I'm not so sure anymore.

 

If you made it this far, thanks.

Re: Need help and advice on sleep issues and possible depression

  • First, you NEED to call your ob tomorrow.  Even though you know you'd never hurt your child, the fact that you're feeling so down and violent, you need to let your doctor know.  That's something that can be managed.  Once you feel better, LO might start to relax a bit, too.  It's sort of a vicious cycle.

     As for the sleep thing- both girls stopped sttn and self soothing between 3 and 4 months.  Between 3 months to about 5/6 months I wanted to kill someone.  It was terrible, they didn't sleep, I hated everyone, but eventually, they went back to sleeping well.   

    It could just be the whole 4 month wakeful- it's common.  have ou noticed, though, that any pain when she's drinking?  As a reflux mommy, any change in a baby's patterns or inconsolable crying leads me straight to that.  But if she's comforted by eating, it's probably not that.  I would say 4 month wakeful, but that's jmo. 

  • first off, i'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

    as a mom who dealt with my son crying all day, everyday, for the first 5 months of his life, and also took care of my toddler, i know first hand how rough the situation may be. sometimes, i would let my son cry in one corner of the room while my daughter & i were in another room because i couldn't handle it. my son was a colicky/reflux baby. the reflux was so severe he was on 3 different medications to control the heartburn. it's been reduced to just 1 medication now, and even so some days are better than others. i agree with jenny, that if the baby is inconsolable all day long than maybe you should see your pedi.

    as far as self soothing, all kids are different. remember babies don't know any better, they just want to feel your warmth and comfort. they have no idea you're chasing after a toddler, or have a million things to do around the house.

    i hope things start looking up for you soon.

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  • Hello. I really feel for you. I am still 22 weeks pregnant so I don't have any personal advice to give you but my best friend just had a baby and she tells me that Dr. Karp's 5 S's made a BIG change in her life as far as soothing baby. Maybe you might want to look that up. I bought the video on how to perform each suggested soothing procedure and it looks great. Dr. Karp also has a book on the same thing and the name escapes me but I hear it is a bestseller so I am sure it would be easy to find. I thought the video was plain and simple and most importantly, to the point.

    In addition, I just started doing mommy yoga and my instructor is a psychologist specializing in postpartum depression. I will be more than happy to give you her info if you are interested.

    Good luck with everything. Keep us updated.

  • Thanks everyone!  After a great stretch of sleep today is looking much better.

    DH put J in the Bjorn last night for a few hours and then was able lay her on her mat and help her stay asleep by reinserting the pacifier until she woke up hungry at 3am.  So that's the first time she's skipped a midnight feeding :)

    I don't think she has reflux since we went through that with our first child and she isn't showing any of the same signs.   I would guess that the past few days a lot of her crankiness was just tiredness since she'd been missing a lot of sleep and only taking cat naps.  Luckily as long as DH is here to help we can keep her quiet because as soon as she's in the Bjorn and we walk outside she gets quiet.  She turns off like a switch when we walk out the front door, which is probably what drives me a bit nuts because I know that there's nothing wrong with her when she's willing to calm down almost instantly, but I need some other method that she will respond to - especially with the heat and sun.  Unfortunately, she also starts fussing again the instant that we walk back in the house or stop moving in general.

    I definitely agree that Dr Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block is useful and it worked very well up until this week when she was no longer willing to be soothed by swaddling or being held on her side and only responded sometimes to the other 3 S's.

     

  • Please, please, please call your ob about possible postpartum depression. I dealt with it/am dealing with it and sleep deprivation can definitely make it worse. Your are totally not alone and it may be good to talk to someone. I have a bi-monthly support group, therapy sessions, and am on meds. I feel so much better now that I have the support.

    I am so sorry that you are going through a tough time. Is there someone that can take her for a walk a few times a week so that you can get rest and so can she?

     

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can't totally relate to how you're feeling, but my daughter was (and still is) a really bad sleeper and has very poor self-soothing skills, so I know how incredibly frustrating it can be. The others have already offered some great advice and it seems like you already have a lot of personal experience (older brother was a reflux baby, familiar with the 5 S's, etc.)

    For what it's worth, when my daughter went through a really fussy stage right around your daughter's age, I found that the best thing for me to do was get the eff out of the house. I would go run errands and if I didn't have errands to run, I would make something up and just go do it. She would scream bloody murder the entire time in the car, but once we got to wherever we were going, I'd put her in the Bjorn or in her stroller and she'd calm down. It didn't necessarily help the problem since she continued to be just as fussy once we got home, but it at least gave me a few hours of time where both she and I were distracted from all the screaming and crying and fussiness and it made the bad moments at home easier to deal with.

    I don't know how feasible it is for you to take off with her since you also have a toddler to worry about, but I can't stress enough how getting out of the house for a couple of hours every day was a godsend.

    I just re-read your post and I saw you mentioned that she didn't like her stroller. What kind of stroller do you have? I have a Baby Jogger City Mini and the part where the baby lays is very soft...some would even call it "flimsy." I know a lot of people don't like the stroller because of that, but for my daughter, who loved any kind of motion, it worked great. The soft back of the stroller gives it a hammock-like effect and they feel a lot more motion in there than they do in sturdier, heavier strollers. She might tolerate something like that a lot better than the typical stroller or being in a snap-and-go type stroller with an infant carseat because I think the sensation would be closer to what she feels being worn in the Bjorn.

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