- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
3rd Trimester
Due in 4 weeks and just found out my husband cheated on me.
He and I had some problems before I got pregnant with him being unhappy with our sex life. I got off birth control to try and boost my libido and it started working and things were getting much better. 3 months later, I found out I was pregnant and we were both sooooo happy. He has wanted kids since we were dating and he continued to be wonderful and supportive despite being gone in the oilfield for work frequently. About 2 months ago, his boss told him that he was basically being taken out of the field so he wouldn't be getting the big bonuses that we had become accustomed to. We can still easily pay bills, but not save or go out as much. This was also shortly after our 4th move in a year and a half and we still hadn't made many friends in our new city 600 miles away from all our family. Soon after, he stopped being affectionate with me and when I confronted him, he told me he didn't think he was in love with me and he didn't think we'd last more than a year or so together but he hoped the baby would help us be happier. The past two months have been a rollercoaster of good days where I feel like things are going back to where they were and bad days where I just want to scream that I didn't know he felt this way and I don't deserve this! He recently went to a 10-day training class and we didn't talk much because I thought I would give him some space and let him think about his feelings. We saw a marriage counselor when he got back but our next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. He had become secretive with his phone and I saw that he had been talking to a girl but he assured me she was just a baseball fan like him and they were just friends. I checked his facebook account every so often but never his phone because I never thought he would do something that awful to me. My dad cheated on my mom when she was pregnant so he knows that's the worst he could ever do to me.
Two days ago, we had a great day together. We went for a walk, talked about happy future stuff with our daughter, had a good dinner, he gave me a massage, we had sex, then he hugged me and told me he loved me without prodding for the first time in awhile. Yesterday, I got home before him and I just decided to look on his facebook page. Right there, not even an hour before, was a chat thread with the girl from his business trip and they were talking generally about the sex they'd had and the pictures she sent him and wanting to webchat soon.
I told him to get his ass home that instant and when he got home, he knew he'd been busted and was so sorry and he felt awful. He said he was just so unhappy at home and she was flirty and interesting and made him feel good and he just gave in. Except that they hooked up several times because he said after one time, what does another couple times matter and it was only physical. I've tried soooo hard to be understanding of his work stress and just help him feel good about himself and focus on the good things in our life and it seemed to be working. If the texts had been from a week ago, I would be slightly less mad but the fact that we had started making progress and he still felt the need to go to her is just beyond comprehension. Add on top of all that that I could reasonably have this baby any day and I'm just sick.
I made him tell her goodbye and delete all traces of her and I even sent her a calm email stating my side of what was going on and to never talk to him again. He says he'll do whatever it takes to make things better because he'd kill himself if he couldn't be with the child he's always wanted. I'm not a spiteful person and don't want my daughter to grow up being put on planes to see her dad like I had to do. If he's sorry and willing to earn my trust back, I feel like giving it one last chance before giving up on what used to be a wonderful relationship just a short time ago. That and with it being so close to my due date, I don't really have any choice but to stay near my doctors and not travel. I also still need to work and I don't want to say anything to my family just yet in case things get better. My mom would literally kill him.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on good books to read?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Due in 4 weeks and just found out my husband cheated on me.
I'll respond like this isn't MUD. And because it always comes up in these posts, MUD = Made Up Drama.
1. Get yourself tested for STDs again. I know it is part of the 1st tri blood work, but your DH has been cheating, and you don't know what possibly has been introduced. It is for the health of you and the baby.
2. Call your counselor and get the appt moved up. A good therapist will make room in their schedule for a crisis in the relationship like this. I think you need to start working through this with the counselor especially while the hurt and information is so raw. Waiting two weeks is a long time to have a place to talk about this.
I am so sorry you are going through this. And wish you luck but make sure you worry about yourself and your little girl. He is a man he can deal with himself, he is the reason this happened not you. Worry about your own feelings not his! I always feel when they get caught and are sorry, they are only sorry because they got caught not because they didn't want it to happen!
Sorry and best of luck:)
First, I'm so sorry that he did that to you and I hope that everything works out for the best.
Second, I personally have not experienced this but two very close friends of mine went through this. One didn't find out until their daughter was 6 months old, he had cheated when she was 4 months pregnant. She stayed with the dad, she said that she kind of understands because she was VERY sick her first 6 months of pregnancy and was on strict bedrest. She did not feel attractive and certainly did not feel like being affectionate. So she couldn't really blame him for looking for it elsewhere. However, he has sworn, multiple times, that since that 1 slip up he has NOT done anything with anyone other than his wife (my friend). He even stopped talking to all but one chick friend of his. Why leave the one? Cuz she's dating his best friend. My other friend found out when she was 7 months pregnant that her husband had been cheating on her for the last 3 months. She had problems with him having a wandering eye prior to them getting married, but she thought that after they got married and then pregnant that he would change. Once she found out that he slipped up, she left him. Like you, she isn't spiteful, and told him that she would not deny him from having a relationship with their daughter. Unfortunately, by messing up again he had ruined any opportunities to prove to her that he was committed.
That being said, I think only you will know what you can and can't deal with. I used to be so mad that my mom stayed with my step-dad after he cheated on her, twice. Now being married to my husband, I can't honestly say that I would have the strength and heart to leave my husband if he cheated on me. Especially now that a child is involved. Us ladies are here for you if you need to talk or need any support.
1. There is no excuse for cheating. Marriages go through ups and downs. If he wasn't prepared for that, he shouldn't be someone's husband. I don't care if you didn't have sex for a year, NO EXCUSE.
2. Ditto PPs re: getting tested for STDs. Not only did he put you at risk, but he put this baby he "cares so much about" at risk.
3. If I were in your shoes, I'd be filing for divorce. But everyone is different. You need to look inside yourself and ask if you can be married to a man who lies and cheats and will likely do so again. IMO there are people who cheat and people who don't. He has shown which one he is. There is no reason he won't do it again when life gets hard, and believe me, a baby takes a toll on a marriage - even a great marriage - because everyone's attention needs to be on the baby first, the relationship after that. It's hard to maintain your marriage as your top priority even when both parties are committed to doing so, which is not the case in your situation. Get individual counseling, and decide for yourself if you can live like this. DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE. He might, but I'd be shocked.
This. He's already said that he doesn't think he loves you anymore and hopes the baby will change things. I'm skeptical that a baby will suddenly make your relationship better instead of bringing deeper issues to the surface.
I know many people can forgive cheating, but I'm not one of them. I would take a serious look at his past statements (about your marriage working out) and the cheating and decide if this is someone you want to remain married to.
Posters that think this is MUD....maybe this poster is a regualt poster and we know her so well and she's too embarrased or ashamed to reveal her identity.....
This was a really great book recommended to us during premarital counseling.
he allowed this person to be on his FB page knowing he's married and she openly on FB spoke of their realtions???????? on FB? who does that??? I'm married and I would never in a million years on a public forum recall sex session on my H's page
I too would file for divorce. The way I see it, you will either get divorced down the road and have your daughter go through the mess also, or you will get the pain of it out of the way now and give yourself a chance at a happy life.
A friend of mine found out her husband was cheating the week they came home from the hospital with her DD. Her family lives in another state and she moved here for him. Other than me and a few other girls, she was alone. She learned that he was cheating with someone at work and that he was coming home and having sex with her at the end of the pregnancy to get things going...she was so disgusted.
Well, she had us help her pack up a U-Hall, pumped enough BM for the 13 hour drive and went to her family. It was hard in the beginning and now she is almost finished with getting her degree as a PA, she is loving every second with her beautiful daughter and support of family and she has said that now that she is away from him she realizes how unhappy they really were when she thought that things were just fine.
Sometimes life doesn't work out the way that we think they will...sometimes we have to take charge.
I wish you the best and hope you take charge.
Get tested right away. He has put you and your unborn child at HUGE risk. And that is the part that is really inexcusable.
I think you are handling it remarkably well. The counselling is really important but on thing to keep in mind -- if he is not entirely committed to you and it then nothing will change. He was caught and did not terminate the relationship because he felt it was wrong. There is a huge difference. Regardless of what happens between you and he be sure to speak to a lawyer and make sure that you are in a position to be SURE of what your rights and his obligations are with regards to your child. I would also say keep going to counselling regardless of what happens with him.
Good luck.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I really think you are being super mature and forgiving about this. It is completely understandable if you cant move past it. I agree with the pp that you should have STD testing done to make sure that everything is ok where he had sex with both of you.
With that said, if you are wanting to try to work things (which I think is amazing of you) I have really liked the marriage resources by Jimmy and Karen Evans. Here is a link to their website : https://www.marriagetoday.com/
Good luck! T&P!!
I am really, really sorry this has happened to you. I definitely have strong opinions about what I would do in this situation, but in the sake of not inserting my own circumstances and bias into this post, I will refrain.
1. I feel, in every situation, a husband needs to be most protective and most supportive of his wife during pregnancy. Pregnancy is not physically, mentally, or emotionally easy for anyone. Single others, military mothers, and ones with long distance relationships are much stronger women than I. He obviously was not protective of you physically or emotionally during this vulnerable time.
2. Don't feel like you are not empowered to make changes. It sounds like you feel a little limited with your choices since you are not around friends or family. Reach out to your loved ones long distances and come up with alternative solutions to staying in a marriage just because there is not a local support system. It is not the ideal situation, and it may be embarrassing and hard on your family (esp. since you have a family history of this heartache) but your mother might be able to give you good advice because she knows you and how this situation feels.
3. I would def pursue your own counseling. I would also encourage him to do solo sessions too. It sounds like you both have some individual needs/concerns that would be better focused on individually and then as a joint session.
4. Already having one child, I can attest that marriages take more strain after the baby arrives. Cracks are tested and challenged in good marriages. Circumstances can lead to bouts with PPD. Make sure you can forgive, forget, and/or tolerate this incident as part of your past before you make any decisions.
she said it was a chat thread--not a wall post.
First of all, I am so so sorry this is happening to you.
That being said....The same thing happened to my sister and I really want to advise you to use therapy as a way to create the friendliest break up possible. He will most likely cheat on you again as it seems like you and he have been having problems for a while and not even a baby can help fix that
Now realistically, there is no way you can kick him out now: you need him for support and help so you are going to have to find a way to create a living situation that you are comfortable enough with. He needs to move out of your bed but still be here to help with the baby. Again, things to be discussed with in therapy.
Perhaps with therapy things could be OK but just like with my sister, I feel it is important to protect yourself and your baby first and then work on the relationship. STD tests are a must, and if you have time, visit a lawyer to find out your rights and options.
I really wish you the best, it's going to be a tough few months...
This makes me so sad. When I was 2 weeks old, my dad told my mom he had been cheating on him. She left his a** and he tried and tried to beg and plead his way back into her life. Let me just tell you: she is by far the strongest woman I know, and he is still the loser he was when he cheated on her.
Woman power rocks, so dig deep within and find yours! ....oh and I suggest you tell your mom so she CAN kill him.
So sorry you have been put in this position! I went through something similar, except I wasn't pregnant. Despite what a lot of people think, if you are willing to forgive and he is willing to be a better husband to you, things can get better and work out. My husband and I are still together and things have never been better.
Go to a book store and load up.
Also, we went to a marriage counselor, but it was also someone who specialized in men's issues. I think this helped my DH because he wasn't getting ganged up on by two women, it was another man calling him on his BS and making him take a hard look at himself and us.
Best of luck to you and your family! You guys can get through it, it's hard, but you can move forward and be happy again.
I agree!
This is a tough situation. I know it's a knee-jerk reaction for a lot of people to say they'd automatically divorce someone for cheating -- but I think for me, it would be more complicated. I think marriage can still succeed after an incident of cheating ... even though it would take years and years to regain the trust again, mutual effort to recommit 100-fold to the relationship, and lots of counseling. But it really depends on the situation.
It's one of those things that you have to go with your heart and gut, and determine whether you could forgive that person, how remorseful they are, and sincere about making your relationship work. I think the most disconcerting thing about your situation, isn't so much that he cheated -- it's the way he did it, and how he reacted after it. I feel like, God-forbid, if my DH cheated on me once, he would likely be so torn with guilt that he would admit it. But I'm not sure how much I could forgive him, if he repeatedly cheated, told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, and then told me it was just "physical" -- that almost sounds like he's mitigating what actually happened. I don't know, it really takes two to fully commit and make a marriage work. I'm sorry you're going through this though, and hope it works out.
Im sorry for the situation that you have been put it. Its a hard thing to deal with to know that your spouse is cheating/cheated and being pregnant with their child. I do believe that people make mistakes and that some mistakes can be forgiven depending on your tolerance for it. I didnt have the same propblem but with my first child my husband at the time swore up and down that he wasnt the daddy cause he thought I had cheated. I was 3000 miles from family, active duty and 19 years old and i went through the pregnancy practically alone. I was a single mom shortly after that. My second child with my new husband is slightly different. I know he isnt cheating but I also know he doesnt desire me the way he did before and its hard to deal with but Im willing to stick it out. What im trying to get at with this is he said he doesnt want to be seperated from the only child he has but that alone is no reason to stay in a loveless marriage knowing that this could happen again and knowing that there is someone out there willing to love you and treat you and your baby the way you should be treated. Its scary being a single mom but I tell you there is nothing more rewarding then knowing that you can raise a baby by yourself and there are things you might miss about being married and the hubby but there will be alot more things you will enjoy being a single parent as well. I found my that man who was willing to take me and my child and practically make my first son his own and we have our issues a-plenty and sometimes i miss being single but Im telling you sweetie to stay in a marriage for anything less than the man loving you as much as the child and appreciating what he has will cause an undue amount of pain. You deserve more than that and so does that baby. You've had experience with the flying back and forth but its a small price to pay for both you and the babies happiness and the outlook your little one will have on relationships in the end. Its hard and applaude you sticking with it and ultimately the choice is yours. I wish you luck and strength.
I just wanted to point out that sometimes when people want a relationship to end they purposely sabotage it in order to get the other person to leave them. That way they don't have the guilt of leaving.
That being said, I respect your decision in staying with your husband. My husband cheated on me once, six years ago. It was hard to deal with. I was active duty and away from home, living with him across the US where we both had no friends besides the few we met only a few months before, and we had been married for only eight months. Some people would have left that moment. I didn't. I felt one mistake in four years wasn't worth trashing everything over. We had a rough 18 months after that. Slept in separate rooms for some time. And eventually it wasn't so hard to deal with anymore.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially while pregnant. I can only imagine that things are going to be pretty unstable for a bit. And a child usually doesn't help matters since it's a stressful time. PPs have said most of what I would suggest. I wish you the best of luck in this, and I hope the worst is over.
THIS
Also if you really want to try and work things out then do but from my personal experience once a cheater always a cheater. Also a baby won't fix things or make anyone happier in a relationship they tend to make them harder and more stressful. If he was complaining of your sex life before a baby will make it even more cramped. So if you choose to stay and work things out do it because you truly want to be with him not because of your baby. Your daughter can still have both of you without you too being together.
ITA, especially with the bolded part. I've heard of marriages coming out of affairs stronger than they were before, but that's as result of big changes and sacrifices of both people involved. When you said, "He said he was just so unhappy at home and she was flirty and interesting and made him feel good and he just gave in. Except that they hooked up several times because he said after one time, what does another couple times matter and it was only physical," that sent up a BIG red flag to me. If he can rationalize sleeping with her multiple times is no worse than sleeping with her once, then he can easily rationalize doing it again with someone else--possibly even multiple partners. His unhappiness coupled with some attention from another female could easily produce the same reaction again.
If you're both willing to work really hard on it, you CAN rebuild your relationship and marriage. IMHO though, it doesn't sound like he'll be willing to put in that much effort. GL with whatever you decide.
I went through some really tough times with my ex-husband through my pregnancy and after our sons birth. I ended up taking my son and leaving after his first birthday. I say this only to let you know that I know what it's like to go through something like you are.
If I knew now what I knew then I would tell myself a few things that I will now tell you... Do what is best for yourself and your child. Even if that means staying and putting on a happy face until you get your ducks in a row legally and emotionally- don't go anywhere until you are completely prepared to. Don't make any rash decisions. Don't act on your pride alone- so many people will say "divorce him!!" even though they've never been in your position. Be true to yourself yet always consider long term consequences that any actions you take might have.
My now ex-h made my life a living nightmare. I still can hardly believe some of the things that he did and now wish my actions would have been more calculated and less reactive. Also, try to work things out if you can.... you are stronger than you know.
Yikes,
First I need to respond to something that a few posters have commented about: the issue of husbands cheating during the wife's pregnancy because she had some reason to either not be able to have sex (ie, bedrest, medical probs), or felt unattractive so pushed off physical affection, etc as the reason the husband strayed. IMO, this does not give ANYONE who took marriage vows the ok to cheat. Typically marriage vows have some statement about "through sickness and health" and "in good times and bad". I'd say trying to be understanding of the husband who cheated because he "wasnt' getting any" at home is a bunch of bull.
With that being said, what the OP wants to do with dealing with this is her choice, but I agree she needs to get STD testing ASAP for her health and her baby's health.
Also, individual counseling for yourself is a must! Despite whatever decisions you and your husband make for your future, I think it's important to work out what you want and need on your own.
We hit a rough patch after just having moved for the third time in a year to middle-of-nowhere Texas from a beautiful suburban neighborhood near our loving families. I understand that from the outside it may appear that I was trying to fix our problems with a baby but that's not how it went. We had a fight, were mad for a couple days, then both worked to start fixing the problems and were back to being happy for almost 3 months when I got pregnant.
Right now, my feelings are very conflicted because I know that no matter what's going on, cheating is wrong and I feel very angry and betrayed. On the other hand, he's very depressed about work and life in general so I'm trying to forgive and give him a chance to get better. If he doesn't shape up in a few months, mind you, my patience will have run out but right now is no time to be making irreversible decisions.
If I were in this situation I would forgive him, but it would be hard to trust my husband again... The relationship with the father of your child is important so I hope you are able to work things out.
Definitely dont just forgive him and leave it at that. I think he needs to try to make things better for you and he needs to prove himself that he is worthy of your love and you need to hold him to higher standards.
Good luck. I don't have a perfect marriage either, we both struggle with fighting and my husband is in the army so he is gone a lot which really hurts our physical relationship too.