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North Carolina Babies
MrsHughesNC
member
NBR: Tell me how a normal person would react to this.
MrsHughesNC
member
Here is your warning: It's another rant about my mother. 
So most of you have heard about my mother. Abbreviated version: Completely unreasonable, monopolizes my time, expects to see Holly like 2-3 out of 4 weekends a month, doesn't care that we need time to ourselves, or want to try to have some kind of social life, expects us to want to spend time with her, and keep our schedule open for her. You might remember the obnoxious schedule we made last summer to accommodate her, my (mostly reasonable) IL's, and trying to keep at least some weekends as "just ours" (God forbid!) It ended up being like 8 out of 12 weekends were in some capacity spent with her. It still wasn't enough. In fact, she criticized us for being "so structured," and "too busy for them."
Things have mostly been bad since she also lost her job last year, and has no life outside of us--no friends, no hobbies (I seriously have no clue how she spends her week days), nothing. She has the most "doom and gloom" attitude of anyone I've ever met. It's very difficult for me, and I honestly am just emotionally burdened and exhausted by her constantly. Because of all this, I've grown to be very resentful of her, and frankly, don't enjoy her company at all. Which makes me sad. But it is what it is. 
So yesterday she asked me what we plan to do for the 4th (I could tell she was leading up to trying to secure plans with us "so she'd have something to do.") I told her we planned to go to the beach to the IL's condo--they have an annual picnic which is lots of fun, and lots of kids Holly's age, and honestly, I'd prefer this be our new tradition, though I didn't really break that to my mom in so many words.
As expected, she threw a fit about "so we're never going to be able to see Holly on the 4th?" (Keep in mind, this isn't Christmas or something--this holiday hasn't been especially meaningful to our family in the past). It's just that if she doesn't have plans with us (or my brother/SIL, or my aunt), she doesn't have plans at all. We're her entire social life, and she gets mad when we dare have other plans, and defensive at the idea of not having any herself.
So, she proceeds to tell me that she and my dad (who is innocent in all of this) are going to get a room and come down to the beach with us so they can also spend the 4th with us. She seemed "hurt" that I a) didn't suggest this myself, or b) wasn't jumping up and down at the idea.
So, I'm pissed that she just invited herself. I have a very deluded opinion of this kind of stuff since I'm constantly brimming with resentment. LOL. So, how would you react if your mother pulled this?
Should I address this, or let it go, and *attempt* to appear excited and embrace the idea? I'm less upset at the idea of sharing the weekend with her, than I am that it's yet another manipulative stunt, and I'm tired of letting them fly.
So..help. Talk some reason into me, because when it comes to her, I have trouble finding any.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR: Tell me how a normal person would react to this.
Honestly, I think what you do depends on how you want the coming weeks to go. If you tell your mom how you feel, she is going to be upset, say you're horrible to her and no one loves her, yada yada, basically guilting you until and after the 4th. If you don't tell her how you feel, you will be upset for weeks and she's gotten her way. Again.
So, I would weight the outcomes of telling her how you feel. I personally think it would be best to get it off your chest, but only you know how that will end.
Good luck with whatever you decide! (And, sorry so short. REALLY need to get back to work, but wanted to respond to you.)
given her history or not, i'd be pretty annoyed that she just invited herself like that.
however, given her history just makes 100x worse.
i don't know what to tell you to do honestly..... whatever you do she will probably find some reason to get mad at you anyway. (she reminds me of my MIL so much! there is just no pleasing her whatever you do unless its 100% the way she wants things)
i agree w/pp. i think you're just going to have to decide when you want her to be mad at you this summer lol. now or later.... bc it seems like no matter what you do she's going to get mad.
sorry i can't be more helpful but i can completely sympathize!! ((hugs))
Honestly, your mother's behavior would annoy me to no end. I think she is being completely unreasonable about inviting herself along. I know that I would say something to her and suggest that you all plan to do something another weekend. I am not a fan of people inviting themselves to events, especially since you already have plans with the in-laws and I think that I would tell her that there will be plenty of other times that she can see Holly. Honestly, at Holly's age, don't you think she would think it would be fabulous to celebrate the 4th of July twice?
I think it's time to confront your mom on these issues before she invites herself to every event that you have scheduled with the in-laws. Does your brother see this type of behavior in her? What about your father? Can you talk to him about how unreasonable she is being?
Sorry, that you are going through this, but I would definitely put my foot down this time. Good luck!
jules--yeah, the outcome never is in my favor--whether I tell her how I feel and suffer the wrath of her guilt trips and pouting (which I fall for way more often than I'd like to admit), or if I just let her "win" again (despite knowing it's not right). That's what's sucks and leaves me so conflicted.
sophabelle--your MIL sounds just like my mother. If it's not done how she wants it to be done, it's wrong. Everything from how I spend my free time, to how I dress my kid is disputed by her.
feisty--didn't take offense at all. It's worse for me than my brother because I have a child. Holly is my mom's whole world, which is honestly more suffocating than sweet. He somehow gets away with avoiding her, mostly because he works a lot of weekends. My dad and my aunt (her sister) agree with me wholeheartedly, but we've all kind of thrown up our hands. We've all told her how we feel at one point or another (or several times), but WE'RE the bad guys, and are ganging up on her. My dad is so worn down by her that he's basically just checked out. I'm really close to my dad, and seeing what she's done to him makes me even more resentful. Ugh.
Thanks y'all. I'm really not sure I can win this one. :-(
ETA: And yes, I've seen more than one therapist about this topic. :-) They've told me to stand my ground. But she can be so manipulative that I have such a hard time determining when I'm just being right and standing up for myself/my family, and when I'm just trying to spitefully defy her.I can totally empathize with you here. I have too had family invite themselves {I have a single mom and single sister who like to be 3rd wheels between boyfriends- what fun!} and it puts you in a totally crappy situation of a) being stuck doing whatever THEY wanted or b) being the bad guy and saying no. They both suck! :-/
Personally I just had to lay it out there one day that while I love them and want to spend some time with them, there are times when I just want it to be DH and I alone or with another group of people {that they aren't in}! It sucked, they were mad, but it eventually blew over. There are times when it still happens but it is better than it used to be! Good luck, I think only you will know how you think it will turn out!
Redefining Normal
Oh man, I'm sorry you've got this going on.
Any chance you can get away with a good lie? (Hehe...) Make it sound like the 4th weekend is your IL's family reunion and Holly will be busy with cousins or something? Some story that would make the weekend really unattractive to your parents?
Since it sounds like you are a guest of your IL's, it isn't exactly proper etiquette for you to invite someone without getting permission. Although, it doesn't sound like she much cares about what is 'proper.'
Sounds like she made up her mind and is going. You may just have to suck it up (again) and deal with her being there. If that is the case, maybe you could invite them to only specific 'events' - like an evening bbq as opposed to 'come and spend the day.'
How do your ILs get along with your parents?
As for your seeing your mom all the time, I would personally start to distance myself...like you would from an annoying guy back in the day. Passively 'forget' your phone, be too busy to call back, or actively say 'We need some alone time, dammit!' and mean it.
GL - let us know how it turns out!
Juber--My parents and IL's get along just fine. We often all get together, though we never have at the beach. Knowing my IL's, they will have no problem inviting my parents to the condo picnic, and would invite us to spend the whole time with us (though my parents probably wouldn't even do that--my mom would be content seeing Holly some and spending the rest of the time in her hotel room watching TV. At least she'd be able to say "she was at the beach for the 4th.") But the IL's would be happy to have them. If I tell them that my parents might come down, I'm sure they'll think that is a great idea and will embrace it, because they're nice people. They wouldn't see it as them inviting themselves.
My MIL gets how my mom is to a certain extent, but I think she thinks I'm mean to her. She has made comments to me about how I should "be nice to my mom." Not preachy, really, but I still get defensive because she definitely doesn't see the whole picture. It just adds to my doubt about whether or not I'm doing the right thing, or just being mean, when I stand up to her. Ugh.
I would be ANNOYED with her for doing it, but really can you tell her not to come to the beach? Especially if she's getting her own room and everything. I think in this situation I would NOT invite her to the picnic or anything specific you are doing with the in-laws. I would plan a couple of specific activities for her to be included with you on (maybe an afternoon on the beach and one dinner?) and other then that just proceed with your vacation like she's not even there!
Good luck!
Do you think there will be any vacancies for the 4th? I know the beaches we go to usually are quite full during that weekend. Maybe you can just hope that is the case. Can you tell I avoid conflict at all cost?
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Honestly, I would tell her that she is welcome to go to the beach, however you guys already have plans. Therefore, you don't know if you will be able to spend quality time with her. Then, ask her if she would rather set up another weekend to spend with Holly. If she would rather go to the beach, then (as gently as you can) remind her that she has been warned. I would also have this conversation in front of your dad. That way, maybe he can throw in his opinion that it would be smarter to choose another weekend.
Yeah, I told her I couldn't stop her from going to the beach, so that was up to her. I then told her of two hotels on the island, and told her I'd be surprised if there was a vacancy anywhere just a month out. So yes, I'll hold on to that hope, as bad as that sounds. But, it's up to them. But I do not intend to change the plans we had in any way. I will leave it to my IL's as to whether or not they will invite them to the picnic, though I kind of hope they won't be able to.
We plan to sit on the beach or by the pool for the majority of the weekend and don't really plan to drive anywhere (on account of the traffic), and my mom likes to go shopping, and out to eat, etc at the beach. So, I will not be changing what we plan to do in her favor.
What sucks is that we're going to the beach with my parents in a couple of weeks for 4 days. Apparently that's not enough. I thought about asking her how she'd feel if the IL's decided to drop in on that trip... (She would most certainly NOT be as open to that idea as my MIL would).
I haven't even read the other responses because just reading your post made my blood boil.
My family does this and I have just started being rude to a degree in an attempt to draw the line.
It has gotten the point across. No we aren't super close right now but honestly to them having a relationship apparently means you being stuck up my a$$.
Ok so clearly this touched a nerve but I'd tell her in no way, shape, or form would she be getting a room there. Not.gonna.happen.
Yes. Indeed I would.
I really wish I had something constructive to offer for you, but I don't. I moved from Ohio to get the very-much-needed distance between me and my family. I love them, but we only can all get along when there are several states between us. My friends would think I'm joking when I'd make some comment about a recent phone conversation...and then they all met her. One of my friends has sworn that the only reason he hasn't said anything to her about how she treats me is because I'm an adult, but the first time she pulls that on Gummi Bear the gloves are off (the friend happens to be her godfather).
I think the best approach is to attack now. Carve out at least one weekend a month where it is just your family (running errands, laying around the house watching movies, whatever) and then make sure (depending on what you want) that there's one weekend exclusively for the ILs and one weekend exclusively for her...then all bets can be off for the fourth weekend. And just let her know that going in so it isn't a monthly/weekly battle. We had to attack holidays that way and we're still not always getting our way...but we're getting close.
This exactly! I would stop immediately hiding your true feelings. Your mom is a big girl, and if she hasn't found her big girl panties then it is about time. Even if telling her the truth makes your relationship rocky for the next 6 months or even year, I think in the end it will come back around. But if you don't say anything then your relationship can go no where but get worse. GL! And in my opinion, you are completely justified in your feelings. They are reasonable, and your mom's actions are the ones that are completely unreasonable.
Stand your ground. This is like a child who is throwing tantrums to get their way. My mom did this. She took a weekend off work (the same weekend my sister was coming over from out of town) and decided to invite herself over.
Well- I said "I need to discuss this with my DH, since we both live here and I'm not sure how he will feel about a house full of people."
-"but I already took that weekend off and I miss the baby"
-"Well, next time you need to ask us first before making work arrangements, you can't invite yourself over like this"
Then as painful as it was to say NO to my mother I said "We simply cannot handle a house full of people. I'm sorry you made all the work arrangements already, but this is just bad timing"
So that was upsetting on her part, and I understand, but if you give in for sake of peace or "it's easier to just deal with it"- well then they will keep on stepping on your boundaries.
And if your mother is anything like my mother, then nothing really makes her happy- her way or your way, she will still find something to complain about. So at that point I choose my happiness and peace and everyone else who has a problem with it will have to just learn to deal.
Good luck!