Dropped Ball

consciousbuyer · June 2011

I recently moved all the way across the country from my whole family.

I am 20 weeks now, and around 25 weeks I will be going home for a 2-week visit. I'm going home with the purpose in mind of getting to hang out with my Mom for her birthday.

While I am home, my SIL said she'd like to host a baby-shower for me, and my grandmother offered up her home. My SIL said she'd get in touch with my best friend, and I told her I'd give her the info whenever she needed it. I'm touched that she wanted to do this nice thing for me and praying it turns out all right (my SIL has a history of being truly mean, and when I threw a shower for her, the whole family nearly broke apart after she brought on some serious drama by insulting my husband and calling me a liar). Needless to say, I've been hurt by her in the past, but I was grateful for this, because I felt like it was a sweet sort of peace-offering, and I am determined not to have such a scene again, because I love my family and hated how torn apart it looked like things might get (everyone sided with me and felt she had really been horrible: my family even told me they would never again attend a function where she was present - but I didn't want my family to be broken up by anything).

There is problem enough in that history and the fact that lately she seems to be exhibiting a little bit of a jealousy (which makes me nervous). But neither of those concern me as much as the fact that she seems to have completely dropped the ball on planning this thing. I'm not bitter, and I'm not angry. It doesn't hurt my feelings if she doesn't want to do it.I totally understand that life gets crazy, and I recently found out that she also took on planning a friends wedding in three weeks. I can't blame her for being overwhelmed.

It does concern me because I know my family and friends are going to be really bummed out if there isn't a shower. More to the point, I know that if she forgets someone they are going to be totally bummed out, and I don't want that to happen. I don't know how to politely send my SIL a list of the people I would like invited to the shower. Particularly since she doesn't seem to want to plan the thing at all anymore. Normally, I wouldn't even ask that certain people be invited (unless asked who I wanted) because more than one shower could be held. But I'm only home for a little while, so there's really just this one shot. I don't want my SIL to feel pressured to do this if she doesn't still want to, but I don't want my family and friends to feel like they missed this shot to celebrate with me, either, and dates really need to be set, because my best friend who would like to help plan does take an annual family trip for about a week during the two weeks I will be at home, and besides, it is only polite for invitations to go out, very very soon.

I guess my question is, how do I approach this delicately and politely? Frankly, my SIL scares me.

Yellow_Daisy · June 2011

I would just email your SIL and say that you know she's busy and wanted to help out by getting a list of names and addresses of guests to her for the shower. Maybe ask her if she thinks it's too many people and if it is to let you know so you could pare the list down. Make sure you tell her how much you appreciate her doing this, etc. At that point it leaves the door wide open for her to do a few things. 1) ignore it, and you will know the shower is probably not going to happen; 2) she will say thanks and start planning; or 3) jealousy could rear it's ugly head (based on what you've said) and she may lash out.

I would just make sure, given your relationship, that you tell her you understand she is busy and you want to be helpful. Make sure you don't send her an email or list in a manner that seems like you are prodding her or making her feel like she has dropped the ball. I would imagine your choice of wording is going to be very important, so try to keep it light and non confrontational.

Good Luck!!!

weddingbells2010 · June 2011

I agree with PP- since she's already offered and it's not a suprise, there's no reason you can't initiate a conversation about it. Plus, if your'e saying that you're going on this trip in 5 weeks and the shower will likely be that week or the next, then her invites need to go out in the next week or so.

Email her with the pretense of wanting to square away the details of your trip since you won't be there for long; ask her if there's anything she needs help with because you've had friends/family offer to help, because they're all so excited (this may or not not be true, but it gives her the option to reach out and say "Yes actually I haven't been able to do X, Y or Z yet" so that you know where you stand in the planning process).

Since she's prone to jealously and drama, definitely lead the email with a positive and keep it upbeat so there's nothing for her to misinterpret.

RoxyLynn · June 2011

Honestly, this was way too long for me to read. Once a drmaa queen, always a drama queen. Either you accept with the known risk, or you decide you're a no-risk kinda girl and decline altogether.

consciousbuyer · June 2011

RoxyLynn:
Honestly, this was way too long for me to read. Once a drmaa queen, always a drama queen. Either you accept with the known risk, or you decide you're a no-risk kinda girl and decline altogether.

I'm confused, are you calling me the drama queen or her? You maybe should read the posts before replying to them though, because if you had, you would understand that the question wasn't about accepting or declining her offer at all. It was about being pushy with someone who can be volatile or letting other people potentially get hurt. Though, when I put it in those terms, the answer is obvious, so for that help, thank you.

I have to say the first two posts were quite helpful, though. Your practical advice is appreciated. Thank you.

rhubarb123 · June 2011

I don't think Roxy was calling you a drama queen...just saying that if you "remind" your SIL she said she was hosting your shower you are taking the risk that there will be drama. Do you think your friend would pick up the "ball" and run with it? Have you asked her if your SIL has contacted her? I would do that and explain your concern. Maybe she will contact your SIL and find out WTH is going on. It sounds like your SIL likes to be the center of attention but she gets stressed out and becomes a not-so-nice person.

kgunz11 · June 2011

consciousbuyer:

I recently moved all the way across the country from my whole family.

I am 20 weeks now, and around 25 weeks I will be going home for a 2-week visit. I'm going home with the purpose in mind of getting to hang out with my Mom for her birthday.

While I am home, my SIL said she'd like to host a baby-shower for me, and my grandmother offered up her home. My SIL said she'd get in touch with my best friend, and I told her I'd give her the info whenever she needed it. I'm touched that she wanted to do this nice thing for me and praying it turns out all right (my SIL has a history of being truly mean, and when I threw a shower for her, the whole family nearly broke apart after she brought on some serious drama by insulting my husband and calling me a liar). Needless to say, I've been hurt by her in the past, but I was grateful for this, because I felt like it was a sweet sort of peace-offering, and I am determined not to have such a scene again, because I love my family and hated how torn apart it looked like things might get (everyone sided with me and felt she had really been horrible: my family even told me they would never again attend a function where she was present - but I didn't want my family to be broken up by anything).

There is problem enough in that history and the fact that lately she seems to be exhibiting a little bit of a jealousy (which makes me nervous). But neither of those concern me as much as the fact that she seems to have completely dropped the ball on planning this thing. I'm not bitter, and I'm not angry. It doesn't hurt my feelings if she doesn't want to do it.I totally understand that life gets crazy, and I recently found out that she also took on planning a friends wedding in three weeks. I can't blame her for being overwhelmed.

It does concern me because I know my family and friends are going to be really bummed out if there isn't a shower. More to the point, I know that if she forgets someone they are going to be totally bummed out, and I don't want that to happen. I don't know how to politely send my SIL a list of the people I would like invited to the shower. Particularly since she doesn't seem to want to plan the thing at all anymore. Normally, I wouldn't even ask that certain people be invited (unless asked who I wanted) because more than one shower could be held. But I'm only home for a little while, so there's really just this one shot. I don't want my SIL to feel pressured to do this if she doesn't still want to, but I don't want my family and friends to feel like they missed this shot to celebrate with me, either, and dates really need to be set, because my best friend who would like to help plan does take an annual family trip for about a week during the two weeks I will be at home, and besides, it is only polite for invitations to go out, very very soon.

I guess my question is, how do I approach this delicately and politely? Frankly, my SIL scares me.

If your family and friends will be so "bummed out", they need to step up and throw you a shower.

Liz4444 · June 2011

Did any of your friends or family say they wanted to help out with the shower? If someone did, you can e-mail your SIL and tell her that someone wants to help out and ask her if it's ok if you give them her phone #/e-mail and they contact her.

marriedfilingjointly · June 2011

consciousbuyer:
RoxyLynn:
Honestly, this was way too long for me to read. Once a drmaa queen, always a drama queen. Either you accept with the known risk, or you decide you're a no-risk kinda girl and decline altogether.
I'm confused, are you calling me the drama queen or her? You maybe should read the posts before replying to them though, because if you had, you would understand that the question wasn't about accepting or declining her offer at all. It was about being pushy with someone who can be volatile or letting other people potentially get hurt. Though, when I put it in those terms, the answer is obvious, so for that help, thank you.
I have to say the first two posts were quite helpful, though. Your practical advice is appreciated. Thank you.

Calm down. She's calling your SIL the drama queen and saying that you've known her past behavior so you should know what to expect. People don't change. And your thread was unnecessarily long. You could have summed up many of your points by simply saying your SIL has a history of being abrasive and given just one example.

To answer your question, I like PP's idea of saying that your friend really wants to help and ask SIL if it's ok to give friend SIL's number. That will either light a fire under her/remind her how quickly this thing is coming up, or give her the opportunity to say that it's not going to happen if she's in charge.

consciousbuyer · June 2011

These are all great suggestions. I appreciate the advice, and have taken it to heart. The problem was dealt with, and I have to thank all you Bumpies for that!

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