hitting
redshoegirl
member
Lately, Will (and Dash, to a lesser extent) has started hitting. I know he's only 1, but he can still hit surprisingly hard and it hurts - not to mention that I don't want him to get into the habit or think this is OK.
He's not trying to be aggressive - he just gets excited and starts whacking everything and everyone in sight. (He also likes to suddenly reach out and tear at your face, which is probably even worse - again, not out of anger or aggression, just because he's excited.)
If I say sternly, "No hitting. We don't hit," he just laughs hysterically - apparently my serious face and voice are funny. *le sigh* And because I like to give them an alternative acceptable behavior, I also take his hand and stroke my face - or his brother's head, if that's who he was hitting - and say, "Gently. We need to be gentle." That works for about 3 seconds, and he'll pat or stroke softly, until he gets all excited again and then it's back to the hitting.
This has been going on for a few weeks and I'm getting REALLY frustrated! Any ideas? Is it just a phase that we need to ride out? Or am I going about teaching him not to hit the wrong way? Help!
Re: hitting
here's some advice from the mom's list at work that i thought was useful/relevant -
Original email
Hello parents-My (almost) 3 year-old son loves to roughhouse. He is a very physical kid, both big and strong. He wrestles and plays rough with his dad and his slightly older cousins. We are struggling with how to teach him that not everyone wants to be tackled. We have managed to get him not to be rough with his little sister, but he is less clear when it comes to kids in the park or in a bounce house, etc. As soon as he starts getting excited and having fun, he starts getting physical. It is definitely well-meaning, he's not trying to be mean or acting out in anger, he's just having his kind of fun.Have any of you dealt with this? Any suggestions would be appreciated.Thanks!
Response
Approach it from the perspective that he is trying to say "hi" and wrap your arms around him and say, "I know you really want to say hi, but it isn't okay to tackle people first. Say "hi, I want to play." Then pick up his arm and show him how to wave.
I did this with my daughter when her first reaction was to walk up and hit everyone she met. She was just saying hi. It worked.
You have to be consistent.
Oh yes, I should mention that we always tell him, "Good job!" when he doesn't hit - when he pats or strokes or waves, etc - trying to give positive reinforcement for when he does something we approve of.
Sandra, thanks for the c&p! I don't know if my guys are quite old enough to understand that kind of phrasing yet (I could be wrong) but I'm definitely keeping it in mind for the future.
Libby hits when she's frustrated and will also grab and pinch. Sometimes she does it when she's excited, but mainly when she's frustrated. We say "ouch! we don't hit!" and then redirect her. We've been working on her saying "I'm mad/sad" and have a book of babies with different facial expressions such as sad, made, silly, happy, surprised and she has fun imitating them.
We also work on "gentle hands" and if she doesn't stop hitting/pinching then I remove her from the situation. If it's me, then I say, "that hurts mommy! Mommy is moving away until you can be gentle with your hands" and then I'll get up and move. If she protests, I ask her if she wants a hug. She usually does and I remind her that it's okay for her to be mad/sad but that even when we're mad/sad we don't hit/pinch.
I am also a fan of letting her know when she does a behavior that we like by expressing it such as "that's feels nice when you use gentle hands" or "you're so exited that you're jumping up and down!" etc. Personally we stay away from "good job!" because we're practicing Positive Discipline and don't want to get into the habit of overpraising (we were both "praise-hungry" kids and we want to avoid that with our children if at all possible). But letting your kids know when they're behaving in a way you like is a GREAT idea and encourages more positive behavior. This website has forums and I joined the PD The First Three Years and have found many helpful threads there about hitting and other things as well. They even have one for Parents of Multiples. Maybe check it out? Here's one from the last month about a 2 year old hitting and another one about a toddler hitting.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
Can you explain this a bit more? Do you mean praising a specific action (e.g., "you got dressed by yourself") vs a generic (e.g., "well done") kind of praise? Generally we are fairly specific ("You stacked the blocks!") but I'm not sure if that's what you mean or if it's another approach altogether.
ETA: We also did this - I even said pretty much the exact same thing as you - when we were having problems with the boys biting - maybe I'll try it for the hitting, too?
Lisa, here's a link that came in my inbox today from babycenter:
https://www.babycenter.com/0_aggression-hitting-and-biting_11550.bc?scid=momstodd_20110531:3&pe=MlV3dU14UXwyMDExMDUzMQ..
As for praise...we try to be very specific with encouraging her without offering generic praise like "good job!" Here's an article that explains the reasoning behind this approach better than I can do: https://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm and a more current one here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children and here: https://codenamemama.com/2010/06/02/good-job/
Anyway, we aim to be very specific and also do it from a place of encouraging Libby to have pride in herself rather than doing things to please us. So we use "You did it!" a lot (for example, if she uses the potty or helps clean up). We also say "thank you" a lot to her...like "thank you for helping mommy shop (i.e. not falling apart when I put you in the cart!) or "thank you for putting away your toys."
So, it's not that we're not encouraging or acknowledging her, but we're trying really hard to be unconditional and not create a situation where she's seeking praise constantly but is coming from her own place of self-esteem and pride. KWIM? I guess we're adamant about this because we both grew up in situations where you were either "good" or "bad" and love/affection was withheld or given accordingly. I want my kids to know that we love and respect them no matter what and vice versa.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
This totally makes sense, thanks for the explanation! I like the idea of encouraging to have pride in themselves vs an action to please parents...we often say things very similar to what you do, but I think I'll make more of a conscious effort about it, too.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog