Austin Babies
ShernRich
member
Am I being unreasonable? RE: MDO for DD
ShernRich
member
I brought the idea up to DH this morning about putting DD in a MDO for a day or two a week, so that I can get things done around the house (filing, organizing, painting, yard work, cleaning out the pantry, etc.) He got really upset about it, basically said that he didn't agree with the idea, thought it was unnecessary and wasn't in our 'original plans' concerning DD. I agree that putting her in 'daycare' was not in our plans, since we said I would SAH, but I find myself overwhelmed some days, with the house unorganized, a mess, or an unfinished to-do list. I need time to myself to think and recoup, and with him working 10+ hours a day, he definitely doesn't understand (he literally leaves for work when she's napping and comes home when she's asleep.) How can I get him to understand my situation? I feel like he doesn't understand.
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? RE: MDO for DD
My DH feels the same way. For some reason he is hugely opposed to MDO/ preschool if I'm staying home.
I don't want to put Kate in MDO either, but I ideally like to put her in some sort of Montessori when she turns 3. Not enough to go back to work though.
No suggestions but wanted to let you know that my DH would likely feel the same way. Its frustrating to me even to think about and its not even a situation I am in!
For my DH it would be the money. He would see MDO as an unnecessary expense since I would be at home and not bringing in money. I would have to create some sort of spreadsheet to show him that its better.
Ok, I thought of a suggestion: To stress that you need alone time, maybe write down a daily log for a week of when DD is sleeping, eating, playing, etc., to show him that you really need some alone time to decompress as well as get household chores done. Then you could show him on paper?
Leave for a weekend and let him be solely responsible - I bet he'll come around to your POV.
In all seriousness, it sounds like he just doesn't get how time consuming it can be to SAH. Sometimes explaining it doesn't work, and he might need some hands-on experience to bring him around.
Good luck!!!
"There is a fine line between a princess and a witch...thinking you're one does NOT give you the right to act like the other." my grandmother
this was my thought. not sure you can really explain it where he'll come around... ! good luck!
I'd ask him about his specific concerns. Is he worried about the financial aspect? Is he worried she'll be exposed to germs and be sick more often? Does he have concerns about allowing anyone else to care for her? Saying "It wasn't in the plan" isn't good enough. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
From his perspective, he may be feeling like he's putting in 10+ hour days, and you're sitting at home with a baby. So why can't you keep the house cleaned up? Why can't you read a book or do a yoga DVD or relax while DD is napping? KWIM? I know my husband gets this way sometimes, and I have two kids and a part-time WAH job too. Sometimes it helps to let him take the kids for a few hours around evening/bedtime when I know they'll be cranky.
He's generally more understanding after that. I literally LMAO one time when I called Mike to let him know I was on my way home from somewhere, and he whined into the phone about how he was trying to clean up the house, and the kids were messing everything up, and he couldn't get anything done. Welcome to my world, dude.
I think socialization is good for children, and I think MDO can be great. I also don't think it's unreasonable to want some time to yourself. If he won't budge on MDO, you could see if you can swap off with a friend - you take her little one for a few hours one day each week, and she does the same for you.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
I don't really have much advice to offer, but wanted to say I am sorry that you are having a rough time!
You might mention to him that MDO programs are great for your DD's social development. It would only be a few days a week and having her around other kids would be great for her
Maybe that would help bring him around?
Hope things get better for you soon!!
I don't think you're being unreasonable. I don't really have any advice, because from the get go, when we decided I wouldn't look for another job after I got laid off, I planned for MDO/pre-school tuition in our budget. I also made sure that DH was 100% on board with this (he was and still is.)
I needed that time to keep up the house, do the family chores, have some time for myself, and do my volunteer commitments (which began before I became a mother.)
DH is very much a proponent of me having down time from the children and for the children to experience other caregivers. We found a wonderful MDO/pre-school and DD will be starting there two days/wk this summer.
I think it takes men some time to get used to a game change. I don't have any specific advice, but I don't think you're out of line at all. Hopefully you'll get some advice re: how to bring up the issue so that your DH will hear you and support you.
Maybe put it in terms of time. Let him know that she'd only be away from you 5-10 hours out of 120 per week. Also, try leaving DD solely in his care every Sat. or Sun. for 10 hours straight. Let him know that it's MDO or one full day on the weekends. I know weekends are hard to just completely take a day for yourself. I typically want to do things all together, not to mention plans/activities on weekends. But, after a few weekends of you being MIA for a whole day he might understand the need better.
If it's the budget that he's worried about, then try the kid swap thing mcgee mentioned. For a short time, I was watching a nestie's baby while she worked PT. Since she got out early, she took care of my kids a handful of times too and it was great. Even if it was only 2 hours or so, getting a fun coffee drink and hanging out in the bookstore by myself, was sometimes all that I needed. The break was more important to me at the time, than being productive.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. And I think you have gotten some good advice. I like LL's idea of writing down all that you have to do during nap time, etc. Seeing it in writing might help DH to understand. Also, maybe you could leave him all day with DD and some chores he needs to get done on a weekend and that might also help as well.
GL
Our Family Blog
I'm not trying to sell anyone on the MDO that my two will be going to, but they have a wonderful infants program if you just want to explore what's out there. It has 2-day, 3-day, and full week options.
Yep, there are quite a few preschool and MDO programs that have infant and toddler rooms. These are usually the hardest to come by, so it might be hard to find a spot. If you're north, PM me, and I'll give you the names of the schools Mer attended.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
You are not being unreasonable at all. If it makes you feel any better, I think that this is a really common thing with husbands, especially if they're away as much as yours is. It's hard to understand how draining it can be trying to take care of kids and the house and yourself, unless you're actually doing it.
I love the idea of keeping a log. I also think a day or two of being responsible for the baby does wonders for any husbands appreciation of a sahm, but it might be tough to pull that off considering how much he's working during the week.
I finally put Leo in MDO at 18 months after struggling with feeling guilty about it, and with DH really wanting to hold off until more like 3. Honestly in the end I just said, "Hey, I hear you and I understand your concerns, but the money is in the budget and I'm making a judgment call here - we're doing this. The end." I know that every marriage is different but is this a situation where after listening and discussing respectfully, if he's still not coming around you can go forward anyway? From my point of view, as long as it's not causing financial problems, you should be able to make the call in this particular situation since you are the one dealing with it all day every day.
You are not being unreasonable at all. It's very hard getting things done around the house with a little one running around after you. And you need some time to yourself. I have DS #1 in MDO, and will be putting DS #2 in it when he's two as well. DH is very supportive of this. We both feel it's a good opportunity for him to learn to be away from us, interact with children his age, and give me a break. Of course, DH works from home and sees me with the children daily, so he knows exactly what it's like for me. I argree with pp, you should go out for an entire day and leave him alone with her, along with a list of chores to try to accomplish so he can see what it's like!
You are not being unreasonable at all. It's very hard getting things done around the house with a little one running around after you. And you need some time to yourself. I have DS #1 in MDO, and will be putting DS #2 in it when he's two as well. DH is very supportive of this. We both feel it's a good opportunity for him to learn to be away from us, interact with children his age, and give me a break. Of course, DH works from home and sees me with the children daily, so he knows exactly what it's like for me. I argree with pp, you should go out for an entire day and leave him alone with her, along with a list of chores to try to accomplish so he can see what it's like!
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
School improves language, offers new experiences, encourages participate in group activities, teaches trust in a secure environment, and introduces structure. It also lets the child make friends without mom/dad hovering.
I think that our parents generation viewed things like preschool programs as a frivolous expense, but that attitude is thankfully changing. It will be good for your husband too, as you will be less stressed and get more done, allowing for more family time.
I hope you can work out something that works for the both of you!
I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I think 1-2 days a week for a few hours would be wonderful. I would make a list of all the reasons why this is a good idea. And be sure to include that while he works, your days are longer than 10 hours and you don't get weekends off. You need a break too. Ask him his concern - I'd almost guarantee it's money related. Show him a list of places you've considered and prices and how it will work.
And then leave for a weekend and make him fully responsible for your daughter, the food, the housework and everything else you do and see how he feels after that.
Sherry, I am so right there with you. DH and I had this EXACT issue several months ago before I convinced him to go for it. I completely relate to the feelings you're having.
I haven't read the other responses so forgive if I'm repeating anything. But here's what it broke down to for us. Annabelle is VERY demanding. She requires 110% attention, interaction, and stimulation constantly. She's never been the kind that would be happy entertaining herself - she needs social interaction. Even on the days where I didn't do anything at all around the house and just gave her my full attention the whole day at home, A was still not happy unless we were actively doing something outside the house. And maybe i'll get flamed for this, but there's only so much going to the park, playdates, digging in the dirt outside, going to the mall, museums, etc. etc. that one person can take. Especially if it's all day, every day, for months on end. It was clear that, even as a trained teacher, I alone could not provide everything that she needed to be challenged and enriched to the level that she was demanding.
DH initially put up a fight about how much daycare/MDO cost, and ultimately it just so happened that a lucrative business opportunity fell in my lap that (in theory) enabled us to make the daycare jump so that I could take advantage of that business op, but I do think that we would have ended up making the same decision had I been solely a SAHM. I think once I got DH to kind of understand that being a SAHM is a full time job for some people, plus keeping up with the cleanliness of the house/errands/etc is another part-time job essentially, PLUS anything else you might do (i.e. doing things for DH to make his life easier like picking up drycleaning, running HIS errands, taking care of household items other than cleaning (like calling repairmen, keeping up with everyone's schedules, or picking up gardening supplies, or organizing family activities, etc....) that's like ANOTHER part time job. In all honesty, DH still doesn't completely understand that between running the household, DD, our life in general, and my business, it's like I have three full time jobs...but at least when I reiterate it to him he agrees that having DD in daycare so that sh!t gets done is a good idea. Anyway, long story short, maybe if you break down for your DH exactly what it is you do all day, explain to him how time consuming those things are, and explain why you can't do those things with DD around, then he'll understand.
If all else fails, do what I did: threaten to go on strike and make HIM do everything. Then let him see how it's so not a walk in the park! The second I made a list of just half of the things I do around here and told him he was responsible for his half, he changed his tune about giving me a break and the daycare issue. Mature approach? Probably not. But it worked.
Thanks so much for your assurance/advice! When I asked him about what his concerns were about MDO, he mention not trusting everyone with DD and her being influenced negatively by other children. He didn't mention the financial aspect. I know for sure it is something that we can easily fit in the budget, so that shouldn't be an issue with him. I've left DD with DH on a few occasions for no more than 5 hours before, and he does a horrible job. Doesn't feed DD right, doesn't interact which her as he should, and lets her sit in front of the TV, which is something I don't do. Add some chores on top of that-- I know he wouldn't be able to do.
He's off days are usually mid-week and he hardly gets an actual 'weekend off'.
LLCoolH- A daily/weekly log is a great idea. I think I may do that next week.
CJ, MrsAJk and mcgee- Email me about your MDO, I would like to know more.
mlf - those are good points about how DD can benefit. I did communicate some of those to him, but not all.
Abrooks- You're right. I don't get weekends off. Good point.