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Single Parents
Rock and hard place
I don't want him to stay. I don't want him to go. Concerns I have about becoming a single mom. Who will love my child besides me, children need more than one caregiver in their life who will love them and who they can love. I can't be her everything she needs many people who will love her. Maybe I should move back to where my mom lives so she will at least have me and her grandma.
I don't want to be a single mom because I need affection too, right now I get negative attention, but really I have spent years not having any male attention (no sex or dating). I got so lonely that I ended up in this abusive relationship because at some point even negative attention is better than no attention at all. Please don't tell me I have to be happy with myself first. The reason I was alone for so many years is because I am happy being alone so happy being alone I overlooked my need for affection. How do you get male affection as a single mom.
I don't want him to stay because I am sick of turning to someone who hits, calls me names and bosses me around for affection and I don't want my daughter to be part of his and my dynamics.
Really I want him to change but guess what... He probably won't.... and if he does I will probably be more of a basket case than I am right now.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Rock and hard place
Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do b/c I don't know your situation. But I'm going to guess it's the "idea" of him that you don't want to let go of. It's the "dream" of a perfect family. You know the Cleavers, the Seavers, the Huxtables...all tv shows not real life.
Either way, from your line of a post. It sounds like you are in a situation that tv didn't script and you don't want.
You can go to counseling, individual and couples and see if your expectations are realistic and if communication can be improved to save your relationship if it's worth saving.
She said he hits her and abuses her verbally/emotionally.
Please leave, for the sake of your sanity and your LO's safety. I would recommend moving to live near family if you're far away from them. You do need to have a good support system to be there for you and your baby. However, if you don't have a good support system, you can do it on your own! And you know what, you will be able to meet a great guy sometime down the road who will treat you and LO like human beings.
With your update,
You need help. You need serious counseling.
You have a very warped ideas. You really don't need more than one caregiver for your child. I'm sure you have enough love for child.
You are too concerned about affection. You need to be concerned about being safe. Single moms have relationships, are able to date and remarry.
Find a domestic violence group and talk to the counselors there.
All of this.
The LEAST of your concerns should be where you are going to get affection. Your main and only concern should be getting you and your child out of harm's way. ASAP.
Being single is better than being with a terrible person (as many of us here know). Dating as a single mom is not out of the question but really should not be a priority for a long time. Get out of there and get you and your child to safety.
When I originally replied, all she had said was "I don't want him to stay. I don't want him to go." My thought was that one month post partum, in the midst of hormones, stress, no sleep, etc. wouldn't be the best time to decide to end a relationship/marriage without major dealbreakers.
Obviously with the update, you need to leave.
He hits you, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abuses you. Think about your daughter. She will learn by example and I promise you that she will end up with the same type of man, because that's all she will know, and she'll think that's how men are supposed to treat women.
Is that what you want your daughter to learn? Please, please, please get yourself into some counseling and leave this abusive asshat.
"Please don't tell me I have to be happy with myself first. The reason I was alone for so many years is because I am happy being alone so happy being alone."
Yeah, I call bulleshite on this.
"I got so lonely that I ended up in this abusive relationship because at some point even negative attention is better than no attention at all."
I thought you said you were happy(so happy) being alone?
People who respect themselves don't allow others to treat them like dirt. It is a major red flag to me that while you are getting hit, being called names, and bossed around, what you are worried about is cuddles and clit joy from guys. You have a child now. You need to adjust your priorities and get professional conseling.
"Who will love my child besides me, children need more than one caregiver in their life who will love them and who they can love. I can't be her everything she needs many people who will love her."
This is a wad of excuses and worries that will keep you in the safe-feeling rationalizing limbo of not having to do anything, but if you were removed from the situation you would be able to see that you and your daughter's lives are just swirling around the drain. Help yourself NOW. I can tell you that I do not have enough fingers or toes to count the infant injury cases I have seen with an injured baby whose mother says, "he hit me, but he had never hit/shaken/thrown/squeezed/broken the bones of/suffocated the baby before." Then the mom at least temporarily loses custody for failure to protect her child.
"Maybe I should move back to where my mom lives so she will at least have me and her grandma."
This might be a decent plan. What sort of relationship do you have with your mother? Realistically, what would this plan look like and would it be livable for you and your mother? Would she be on board with helping? How? What sort of help would she be willing to provide? Get concrete answers so that you can judge whether this is a feasible plan.
"Really I want him to change but guess what... He probably won't.... and if he does I will probably be more of a basket case than I am right now. "
Not that staying sounds like an option to me, but why would you become more of a basketcase? Please explain.
Good luck.
http://oi62.tinypic.com/2w73hq9.jpg
I didn't read all the follow up posts but I want to tell you what one counsellor told me. She told me that DD will model me, so if she sees me putting up with someone treating me poorly she will learn that that is okay.
Everytime H upsets me, I think about the message I am sending to her. the counsellor told me that divorcing before the child is 2 is pretty much a non issue for the child.
Hmm. You've said in the past that the reason you don't like having him around is because he doesn't do things your way. I believe that he does abuse you. If it's true, you need to leave. You do not need to be with a man to validate who you are. The only reason your daughter needs two caregivers is so that you get a break.
You have said in the past that you have a hard time getting out of bed when he's not there because you have no one to fight with. Why do you need someone to fight with to get out of bed?
Wait... watergirl21 wasnt the OP, she was just passing on some advice.
It confused me for a second so I just wanted to make the clarification in case someone else was confused.
But anyways, like everyone has said, for the physical/emotional/mental health of both you and your baby, you need to leave and get help! From the sounds of it you were never actually happy and you need to get away from him so you can actually be happy with your child!