My joy at finding myself unexpectedly pregnant at 39 with my first child has turned to utter devastation. An ultrasound today at 9 weeks failed to find the heartbeat. Previous heartbeats (I'd been going weekly) were so strong, and Baby measured exactly at the right size, so this must have just occurred. I was just beginning to have hope that this pregnancy would be viable, and was dreaming of baby nurseries. My doctor said that miscarrying at this stage naturally would be "very unpleasant" and could take a week or two to occur. I did not want that, so I'm having a D&C tomorrow morning, and am scared about that--I just have no idea of what to expect or how much it will hurt. I also fear that, at 39, this might have been my one and only chance to become a mom. Rationally, I know this might not be the case, but irrationally and emotionally (which is what I am right now), it's what I fear. I will never forget the ultrasound tech's face when she was searching for the heartbeat. I knew before she said a word. I have such admiration for women who have endured so much more than I in terms of pregnancy loss, and know that I should be grateful that I was even able to get pregnant in the first place. But all I want to do is cry, and I'm strangely infuriated. At nothing, at everything, at my body, at life. I know that once this is finished and my hormones are back in order, things will get better. But for now, I'm grieving for someone so loved, who I will never get to meet, at least not here anyway. Thanks for letting me vent. I pray all goes well tomorrow.
Strength to you all.
Me: 42, DH: 40; Surprise BFP 4/27/2011; no heartbeat at 9w3d, we miss you, Baby Manatee; D&C 6/1/2011; AF returned 6/26/2011; Ready to try for our take-home baby. 7/24/2011--BFP! Peanut born March 2012; BFP: 7/31/2013!; blighted ovum at 7 weeks 8/26/2013. Holy Cannoli! BFP 2/23/2014. EDD 11/6/2014!