Babies: 3 - 6 Months
chocopotamus
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Is sex REALLY that important???
chocopotamus
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Lately I could take it or leave it, I really don't care to do it. Especially with the hundred other things I have on my mind. Not to mention it takes forever b/c I still get sore in certain areas. It is LITERALLY in every sentence that DH says to me and it's driving me crazy-it makes me not want it even more. It feels like a chore, and the more he bugs me, the more I resist. I swear I want to cut his fvcking thing off while he's sleeping. Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like our relationship revolves around it, I feel bad that he doesn't get much but at the same time I want something out of it-half the time I just lay there...*face palm* Will it ever get better?
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Re: Is sex REALLY that important???
I feel like that sometimes, but then I remember that it is really important for us to connect, both in emotional and physical ways, in order to feel like a couple and not just roommates/ parents.
If your husband is anything like mine, I understand that the amount of time they think about sex can get kind of obnoxious, but I try to take it as a compliment that he still wants to bone me even though my bod isn't exactly what it was pre-preg.
Maybe you should talk to him about feeling pressured to have sex. Tell him that the way he begs for it makes you feel like it is more of a chore than something enjoyable.
I had that exact conversation with my husband a couple of weeks ago and while he still makes a move pretty often, he's been much better about not making me feel bad about it when I turn him down. In turn, we have gone from having sex once a week to three or four times a week because I don't feel required to do it anymore.
Hopefully he will understand and respect your boundaries until you are ready.
DS BFP 8.29.2012 EDD 5.11.2013 born sleeping @ 17 weeks 12.1.2012
MH is the same way and he doesn't stop. We have only had sex once since DS was born but I am always exhausted, we have opposite work schedules, and I am just never in the mood. Although, in my defense we weren't able to have sex up until the last month from healing comlications. I hate feelig like we have to have sex at a certain time though because that is when we have free time, not very sexy to me. I feel bad for the guy but, as you said, the more he tries the more I resist without realizing it. However, if MH was to stop trying to get things movin' and groovin' then I probably would start complaining he quit trying or paying attention to me and I would be a bit concerned.
I imagine it has to get better eventually. Or, at the very least, when we start TTC again, ha.
Definitely do this! I did with my DH too. He would make a move but not push it when I didn't react to it, or if I said not tonight, etc. Right now, he's in a "you tell me when you want it" kind of mood, he's worried if he tries something I will go back to completely shutting him out altogether, and I'm OK with that right now. Eventually, I'll be ready for him to make the move and pursue me again
DS BFP 8.29.2012 EDD 5.11.2013 born sleeping @ 17 weeks 12.1.2012
I seriously was not in the mood for it at ALL last night, and made it very clear to DH when he started 'snuggling' (yeah right) that I was not interested, and I wasn't going to do anything to make it happen. He knows how to get me in the mood, though. And, even though it was late and I was tired, I was still glad we did it. It's good for both of us- for me to relieve stress, feel desired, for feeling like I can still turn him on even if I wasn't reciprocating foreplay... and all the same for him, too.
So yes, for us, it IS that important.
My fiance was the same way right after Ronan came, we couldn't have sex so he was always dropping hints that I should give him a beej, and then got mad when I shot him down, but in the first 6 weeks, I was tired from getting up all the time, I was stressed because breastfeeding was failing miserably, and even after I dried up and we switched to formula full time at 6 weeks there were about 2 or 3 weeks in there where I was still the only one getting up with him, and we hardly had sex because of it even though I had gotten the ok for it. We came to the agreement that because he works mostly shifts that are late in the day, since by then Ronan was only getting up twice a night, that he would take over the night time feeding, and let me tell you, that extra sleep worked wonders for every aspect of my life. I wasn't so tired all the time, I had more of a sex drive because I wasn't totally exhausted, that little of extra help can do wonders.
However, it seems since, he has it in his head that since he feeds Ronan at 6 am (the only time the kiddo gets up anymore, and he goes right back to bed after half an hour tops and sleeps until close to noon some days) that he shouldn't be required to help any other time of day, but tonight we had a very extensive conversation about that, and he seems to be pretty on board that it's not fair of him to expect me to take care of Ronan from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed with no help, when all he's doing is a quick feed at 6. I pointed out that even on his days off, he spends the entire day doing exactly what he wants to do, not helping me out in the least bit, and I don't get days off or even breaks a lot of days, when Ronan's napping I have housework, he's pretty sympathetic and we came to the agreement that he would be taking charge of the bed time routine so I could have some me time at the end of the day, and it feels so nice to have him on the same page as me again.
I definitely agree with PP that talking with him and telling him exactly what's bothering you is definitely the best way to do things, our men, as stupid as they like to play it sometimes, are way nicer and more sympathetic than we like to give them credit for, however, no one's a mind reader, when you're unhappy about something, you have to say it, it's not something you can assume is automatically known.
LOL.... Dont you just love the "WHat? I just wanna cuddle...." uh huh...
This. Is exactly. Sometimes Im just not in the mood, but hubby usually knows how to get me in the mood, and Im always happy after we do. It is SO nice to know my husband still finds me extremely attractive, exp after I feel like a fat blob these days. Its a confidence boost for me, and kinda encourages me to get back into shape, so that I can feel desirable for my husband all the time.. not just during sex. (My husband finds me desirable all the time, I just want to FEEL desirable)
Is there something in particular that your hubby does that gets you in the mood? Maybe he shouldnt flat out ask you for sex? Maybe it will be easier for you, if the mood is set in a way that doesnt seem so pushy. Have a talk with your hubby like the OP's recommeneded.
It cant hurt....
LOL.... Dont you just love the "WHat? I just wanna cuddle...." uh huh...
This. exactly. Sometimes Im just not in the mood, but hubby usually knows how to get me in the mood, and Im always happy after we do. It is SO nice to know my husband still finds me extremely attractive, exp after I feel like a fat blob these days. Its a confidence boost for me, and kinda encourages me to get back into shape, so that I can feel desirable for my husband all the time.. not just during sex. (My husband finds me desirable all the time, I just want to FEEL desirable)
Is there something in particular that your hubby does that gets you in the mood? Maybe he shouldnt flat out ask you for sex? Maybe it will be easier for you, if the mood is set in a way that doesnt seem so pushy. Have a talk with your hubby like the OP's recommeneded.
It cant hurt....
Since your LO is 6 months old (and assuming you didn't have any major tears/repairs that would need extra time to heal) and you're still sore, you might consider bringing this up with your OB. S(he) might be able to help. First, though, I think you need to smack your husband. There's nothing like nagging someone to make something feel like a chore, even if it's a fun something (and if you're sore I'm guessing you're not really having any fun). He needs to back down and accept that babies change relationships, and that he may need to take things into his own hands (so to speak) for at least a certain percentage of the time.
I do have a few questions, though. How does your current frequency compare to pre-baby/pre-pregnancy? If it's way off, then he was probably assuming that it would approach your previous normal, and is feeling frustrated. I do think that sometimes it's good to take one for the team, but you can be d@mn sure that I'm getting something in return (back massage, a couple of hours for a bath, whatever). On that second note, how much is your H chipping in chore-wise/to make sure you get breaks? You say you have a hundred things on your mind; is he contributing to getting those done, and if not, why not? There's also nothing like feeling like you're being taken advantage of to make being affectionate with someone sound really unappealing. If he's not chipping in, then he absolutely needs to be (consider making him a list of things that need doing, as men seem to do better with concrete chores).
And to answer your question; yes, for us it's that important. It's stress relief, it does make us feel closer to each other/feel loved, and if one of us isn't getting any for a while we get grouchier faster (though DH always gets antsier a little faster than I do).
I HIGHLY recommend the book "the sexually confident wife". It will open your eyes to truly understand your husband and encourage you to not look at is a a chore but a very important part of your marriage.
I read it in a day. It's a great book and addresses every single sentence you metioned. "too many things on mind, him talking about sex 24/7, you just laying there wishing it'd be over...etc"
It's a great read and totally changed me!