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Toddlers: 24 Months+
opinions wanted: When to tell older child about new baby?
Hi, I am currently TTC and keep thinking about when I will tell DS, he will be 3 in Sept. Do I wait until after first trimester? Tell him right away? Wait even longer than 12 weeks? I feel like he can't know until I wanted everyone to know- because he is a talker and won't keep a "secret". But should I tell others before he knows? Like my parents, best friends? What have you done or would do?
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Re: opinions wanted: When to tell older child about new baby?
We waited until I was OUT of the dreaded 1st Trimester. I did NOT want my son to associate me being ridiculously sick and not myself with the idea of a new baby.
I actually started with books about the concept of being a brother and then when my belly was big enough we explained about "growing a baby" in mommy's tummy. So probably not until half way through the 2nd tri.
Now we are near the end and we talk about it ALL the time b/c well...the belly is a constant reminder.
My DS will be 3 in September too.
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I would tell him after big ultrasound. Although you'll show earlier, but 3 yr olds may or may not notice but I think I would present it as late as possible. 4-5 months is a long time to perseverate, worry , build anxiety. I would definitely tell when I could give the sex and potentially even name.
Even though it seems like one transition to us, to a three yo there's an ambiguous baby in mommy's tummy, then he's told it's a brother/sister- that alone is a change in his "world." Then he is going to be a big brother. THat's another shift in his view of the world. Everytime you feed them new info, you're affecting his construct of his little world, and that can be hard for a toddler, even though to us it's one big exciting thing.
What- you don't live in a bubble??! Good point. I guess maybe I would be inclined to tell others I tell after him, or if people are asking/guessing, "yes, but we haven't told DS yet, we're waiting until u/s" or "worst case scenario" would be someone would spill the beans and you would simply say, "Yes, you'll be a big brother one day." and go on. 3 yr olds are smart. But will either dismiss it if you blow it off or around 3.5 get to the point that they obsess, but by that point that they start thinking like that, they are also cognitive enough to process it - whether they're thrilled or not.
My DD was much younger than your LO when the twins came, but we never made a big deal out of it... it was just kinda like grocery shopping on the to-do list. We discussed it, she knew where each baby's head was, would kiss them, and we watched a few you tube videos of twins, but it was not presented as a big deal. When they came, it wasn't a big deal. She loved them and built altars to them with stuffed animals, but life kinda just was a little different.
I can tell you now with a 3.5 yr old, this is the hardest age ever for me. More stress, OCD. anxiety, tantrums and bossiness than ever. Everything is more intense- happy/sad/scared/affectionate. But even when she was little, rather than gushing "oh my gosh, these are your babies!!!" throughout the pregnancy, it was discussed, but low-key, as if we were discussing adding a side dish to dinner. I think excitement, when it is out of their control, is very stressful- even if it's something they want...
In the first trimester, we discussed with her how babies grow in a mommy's belly, and that we were going to ask God to put a baby in my belly. We told her about the baby at around 11wks, right before we told our parents. She's around friends & family every day, and while it is a long time for her to wait until the baby's born, we wanted to be the ones to tell her.
With DD2, I told DD1 as soon as the test turned positive, she was a little over 3. with DD3 I told DD1 after about 12 weeks, right before we told everyone else. I was worried about her feeling like she was the last to know, so we told her before. But at 3 years old, I don't think your son would care if everyone knew before him but I'd definitely wait as long as possible, b/c he will ask every day when the new baby is coming out. When DD1 was 6 she finally understood that it took time and didn't ask but occasionally. If you do that just make sure everyone else knows, b/c he will be asked a million times if he's excited about being a big brother!