Preemies
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Post NICU Emotions...
We are 3 months out of the NICU. I am still emotional over weird things. I forget all the emotions I felt everyday for 111 days, until something triggers it and then I am just a mess. For some reason I randomly think of the morning Ella came home from the hospital. I remember calling the NICU to see if this was another false alarm or if my baby was really going to get to come home. I remember them telling me that this was actually it and I just dropped to my knees and just sobbed on the phone. When I think about it, I can feel that emotion again and I just cant stop crying. (sobbing while typing)... I knew from 16 weeks on that my babies were not going to be full term and I knew from 24 weeks on that they were going to be preemies. I accepted the NICU with open arms because I felt like I had prepared myself but looking back I had no idea what it was like or how I would feel. I dont know how to articulate what I am trying to say. I just feel like I have been numb for the past year. I am finally get bits of happiness back but still I just feel a little bit empty because I have had to be tough for a year now and no one understands. I dont feel depressed, I just feel numb. Is this normal? Am I just fried from sleep depreviation?
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Re: Post NICU Emotions...
First, a big hug to you. It sounds like you steeled yourself to be a rockstar Mom for your baby during the pregnancy and the whole NICU experience and now it's finally catching up with you.
Second, yes, you are probably fried from sleep deprivation but yes, I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I think we all have different "triggers" but the experience of having a preemie with a long term NICU stay is traumatic and takes a long time to recover from. For me, my daughter is 16 months old and I still have my little triggers that bring me to tears. However, the good news is that it doesn't happen nearly as often. For the most part, life as I know it has become blissfully normal. This will happen for you, too-- I promise.
Give yourself time and allow yourself to feel crappy sometimes. You went through something terrible (albeit with a wonderful ending but still terrible...). I hope you have a good support system around you and people who understand that both you and your baby require some time to heal and adjust. Good luck and keep posting!
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
This for me, too. LO is now 17 months old and I still get those triggers out of no where. I had quite a long "numb" period, too, and finally sought out counseling as things got worse for me emotionally. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder but with counseling and some meds, I am doing so much better. I highly recommend seeing a counselor and finding one that you really feel comfortable with. It has done wonders for me.
I'm starting to think that there is no "normal" when it comes to dealing with a NICU experience. It is SO traumatic, and just like any other trauma everyone will deal with it differently. It sounds like your reaction is totally in line with the experiences you have had.
It also sounds like you are a rockstar mama. As long as your babies are happy and healthy, then I think you're doing fine. And there is NO shame in talking to someone if you think that's the route that is best for you.