BF doesn't want to see DD anymore
Hello all. While I am recently married, I spent 4 years as a single parent. I posted this in the blended family board but thought some of you may have suggestions for me as well.
DD is 7 and such an amazing kid! She adjusts so well to new situations and people and truely LOVES everyone she has in her life.
When DD was 1 I left BF (verbal abuse became physical) and moved back in with my mom (I was still in college and just 21). She had regular visitation with him until her joined the Army Reserves. When he was done with basic training, he moved about 2 hours away and would see her once a month by coming out to where we live (the city we lived in the entire time we were together) and would stay with friends and visit with her. We went to court for CS which was an amount we agreed on and it was direct pay to me since at the time I thought there was no reason for him not pay. We got custody set so that I have full physical and we share legal but he has open visitation.
As DD got older, BF would sometimes take her for the weekend. Many times I would bring her out to see him and stay at his mother's or get a hotel room. I thought it was important to make every effort to facilitate their relationship. When she got old enough not to need me for the overnight, I would meet BF at a halfway spot for drop off and then again for pick up at the end of his visit.
When DD was 4 I met my DH - we married last year and she has been calling him "dad" for a year and a half. This made BF angry - the fact I had someone else in my life, not necessarily the fact that DD had another male figure helping to raise her. BF has a tumultuous relationship with his fiance/GF with whom he has another child.
There have been on-going CS issues since I got together. Basically the long and short of it is that he "won't spend hard earned money on DD when 'he' may have to go without" (BF's exact words). In the middle of this CS battle, I get a text msg, "I made a decision to sign off rights to DD and I'm not changing my mind.I'm not hiring a lawyer for CS I'm telling judge I'm signing off so don't call me or ask me to see her. I'm done. ". I didn't respond but brought it up my lawyer a few days later. he advised me the judge won't allow that since DH isn't able to adopt DD right now. I sent BF a message advising what lawyer said and told him I'm not going to keep her from you. He responded, "I don't want anything with DD, I said that. I told you I'm done permenantly. You can tell her anything you want. I'm happy without her." I told him not change his mind later because I won't have him playing in and out games and reminded him that no matter what he would have to pay support. His response was, "Are you that stupid? I already told you that so don't ask anything from me, don't contact me." I told him fine I would see him in court in a few weeks.
How do I let DD know what's going on? BF hasn't seen or talked to her since her birthday party April 2nd. She doesn't like to talk about BF with me. I'm taking her to a counselor but she doesn't want to talk to him about BF either. What do I do?
Re: BF doesn't want to see DD anymore
Don't tell your DD anything yet. Everything is too "up in the air" and she doesn't need to be put into the middle of everything.
Has she been asking about her dad?
First, you should not have allowed this, in my opinion. BF was involved at that time and you knew it upset him, why would you allow this to continue? I'm a firm believer that if the bio-parents are involved and it bothers them that their child is calling someone else mom or dad then it needs to stop.
Regarding what do you tell you DD, if she's in counseling/therapy then I think you should discuss this issue with DD's therapist and formulate a gameplan together of how to handle the current situation. Also, you may want to stay away from absolutes at this point because your ex may change his mind and decide to take an active role again once all the CS stuff is over with. I'm not saying it's right for him to act this way as I think the way he is acting is completely unacceptable and he is obviously not looking out for your DD's best interest, but he may change his mind and it's best that you have a plan for that occurance as well.
BF may have been in the picture but not regularly. He would see every 6-8 weeks and call very 1-3. He has gone moths before without seeing her but never said he didn't want to have her in his life before. My daughter explained she wanted to call DH "dad" because he is her other dad. DH has done more for her in the few years he has been in her life than her father has ever done. BF missed dance recitals, had to be begged to go to cheer competitions, I had to schedule almost all his visitations and when she goes to visit they sit around the house. DH takes her to the park, plays ball (baseball, football, frisbee) in the yard with her, mini golfs with her, takes time to snuggle with her while BF sends her to play with her brother instead of devoting any time to her.
Only reason BF got mad is because he didn't want me with anyone else and that made my relationship with DH even more concrete. To this day BF will pick a fight and say, "Well you left ME. You were the one who didn't want me anymore." He uses DD to try to get to me - we set up a visitation weekend the weekend of my honeymoon and once he found out what we were doing and where we were going (which was a resort town about an hourfrom the town he lives in), he decided he was also going to head there for the weekend with DD and his son. The town is so small we probably WOULD have run into him if his GF hadn't nixed it.
We can have varying opinions on calling SP "mom" or "dad" but in our situation where BF may stop in sometimes but has never been there emotionally, it works for us. (And if she wanted to call his GF "mom", I would have no problem with it. I have even mentioned it to her and she has said she may have 2 dads but only 1 mom.)
As far as what to do about the actual issue at hand, I appreciate the advice and will push the therapist to have more of a conversation with me about how to handle it. We have talked about it, but he hasn't been too concrete on it. Thanks!
From everything I've heard, and from what your lawyer is saying, the judge is not going to let him terminate his parental rights. He had a child with you and now he has to pay for said child.
He can't just decide he doesn't want to pay child support. He's trying to justify it by saying he's not going to be in her life anymore, so he shouldn't have to pay CS, but that's not how it works.
I wouldn't say a word to your DD until you actually know what's going on. Chances are the outcome is not going to be in his favor, so he may decide if he's paying CS he should at least get to see her.
As terrible and fvcked up as that is, it may be what happens. I would continue to consult with your lawyer and not mention anything to your DD yet. GL!
BF may have been in the picture but not regularly. He would see every 6-8 weeks and call very 1-3. He has gone moths before without seeing her but never said he didn't want to have her in his life before. My daughter explained she wanted to call DH "dad" because he is her other dad. DH has done more for her in the few years he has been in her life than her father has ever done. BF missed dance recitals, had to be begged to go to cheer competitions, I had to schedule almost all his visitations and when she goes to visit they sit around the house. DH takes her to the park, plays ball (baseball, football, frisbee) in the yard with her, mini golfs with her, takes time to snuggle with her while BF sends her to play with her brother instead of devoting any time to her.
Only reason BF got mad is because he didn't want me with anyone else and that made my relationship with DH even more concrete. To this day BF will pick a fight and say, "Well you left ME. You were the one who didn't want me anymore." He uses DD to try to get to me - we set up a visitation weekend the weekend of my honeymoon and once he found out what we were doing and where we were going (which was a resort town about an hourfrom the town he lives in), he decided he was also going to head there for the weekend with DD and his son. The town is so small we probably WOULD have run into him if his GF hadn't nixed it.
We can have varying opinions on calling SP "mom" or "dad" but in our situation where BF may stop in sometimes but has never been there emotionally, it works for us. (And if she wanted to call his GF "mom", I would have no problem with it. I have even mentioned it to her and she has said she may have 2 dads but only 1 mom.)
As far as what to do about the actual issue at hand, I appreciate the advice and will push the therapist to have more of a conversation with me about how to handle it. We have talked about it, but he hasn't been too concrete on it. Thanks!
It is never ok to let your kids call someone else dad unless the OP is not involved at all. That is completely disrespectful. Think about how you would feel if your DD called someone else mom!
I completely agree. Especially her calling him "Dad." I know I would freak out if the situation was reversed.
As you can see I had already stated, I would be perfectly okay if she wanted to call BF's fiance "mom" but DD doesn't see her that way. She doens't see DD often or treat her in a motherly fashion. If she did and DD wanted to call her "mom" or "mommy" or "mama" I would have had no issue with this what-so-ever. As shown, I even TOLD her it was okay with me.
I think it's okay to call other people "mom" or "dad" if that is the role they play in your life - I had friends who called my mother "mom" and I called theirs "mom" - we were raised in single parent households, our mothers were best friends and they basically co-parented us (they were not in a relartionship, both are heterosexual - it was a unique relationship).
Unless you have been in MY situation exactly, please don't judge our lifestyle - that was NOT the reason for the post. I asked for advice to help my daughter get through rejection from her BF not for you to tell me I am wrong to allow her to HAVE a father in my husband who actually takes care of her.