Help! Just about at the end of my rope with my husband. — The Bump
3rd Trimester

Help! Just about at the end of my rope with my husband.

He has been excited about the baby and more or less supportive of me, but lately he is just turning into a total douche sometimes. He got really mad when I told him I wanted to hire a doula (and flat out told me "no", wouldn't even have a conversation about it), complains about us going to go to childbirth classes (he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to give up a couple of evenings), last night he got pissed when I didn't want to have sex (he came to bed at 1 am and didn't brush his teeth. gross.), earlier in the evening he said he wishes I would just leave him alone, we haven't eaten a meal together in weeks because he refuses to come inside at supper time, and this morning he completely ignored me. No good morning, no goodbye kiss, no I love you before I left for work.

I know that for some guys pregnancy is a hard time, but for crying out loud. I feel like I'm dealing with a 4 year old. My emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out. :( The "leave me alone" comment is the thing that gets me the most. Why get married if you just want to be left alone?

Re: Help! Just about at the end of my rope with my husband.

  • I think it's time for you two to sit down, possible with a mediator, and have some serious discussions regarding your future as a couple and as parents. If he's this upset now about giving up a couple of evenings then how will he react when he realizes that a newborn is going to require his attention when it isn't convenient for his schedule/wants?

    Ask him to discuss the doula, and why he didn't want one. Is it the finances? Does he feel like doula will take charge and he won't get to be part of the pregnancy? (although he doesn't sound very involved from this one post).

    Why did he not want to come inside for supper? If he is busy doing yard projects or spending time in nice weather would it be possible to say "Hey, what time should we do dinner tonight?" and compromise?

    Let him know how you are feeling, physically and emotionally, and that you are hurt by his reactions and worried.

  • Ah, you're in a lousy spot. Your man may have a self-centered streak (many do), which is rearing up and rebelling as he's watching your belly expand and facing the heavy reality that he's going to be someone's father very soon. Fear may be influencing his behavior right now ? fear about a lot of things. Not every guy is good at talking about their fears and feelings, and most don't do so well with change. That's not an excuse. Bottom line is, he's not behaving well.

    If you can't get him to talk to you about his issues, can you get out of the house for a few days? Stay with family or friends and give both of you some time apart to regroup and (hopefully) miss each other a little? If this behavior is strange for him, as in, he never used to be this way, then he's going through issues and will turn around. If he was always kind of a douche, well...that's just him. Hope my psyche analysis helped :)

  • Thanks ladies. This is really strange behavior for him, which is part of why I'm so upset. I feel like just laying it out there and saying that this has gone on long enough and he needs to grow up and start acting like he's about to be a parent, but I know that facing this situation with hostility and ultimatums is not going to go far. Normally we go to the lake with his family for the weekend, but I think this weekend I find an excuse to stay and let him go by himself. Hopefully that helps. 

    ETA: In response to the first poster, the doula thing was partly about the money. He said he didn't want to spend any more money on it. HELLO. I don't know if he think the delivery is going to be free or what. The birthing class thing is because he wants to take the weekend session, which I vetoed because I'm the one giving birth. This is the only place where I've done that. His friends took the weekend session, but she is high risk and is under the assumption that she will probably have a c-section, whereas I'm planning/hoping for a med-free birth. The not-coming-in-for-supper thing is because he set up a man cave in our garage and now he spends 90% of his time there, so he comes in when he's hungry, around 9 pm, which is way too late for me to eat supper.

  • kjg5445kjg5445
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    i feel sad for you. I went through the same type of thing. I'd definitely just sit down and see whats wrong. Maybe what hes upset about has absolutely nothign to do with your pregnancy. Maybe something else in his life is going on that he hasnt shared with you. Men have a tendency to lock others out of their lives when something is upset. they are just buttmonkeys.
    I hope it gets better for you. Just be up front with him and let him know how miserable he is making you feel!

    image

  • Ugh, that sucks OP. Maybe give him a spreadsheet showing all of the costs of pregnancy and he'll see that a doula is (likely) not a huge thing after all? Or give him a choice "I get a doula and you don't have to attend childbirth classes, or you attend childbirth classes and quit your whining" (half joking...)

    Just remember to have a conversation with a lot of self reflective language. Instead of going "You spend all the time in the man-cave and don't want to spend time with me!" approach it as "I feel really lonely and disconnected when we don't eat dinner together" and things like that.

  • image chillyupnorth:

    He has been excited about the baby and more or less supportive of me, but lately he is just turning into a total douche sometimes. He got really mad when I told him I wanted to hire a doula (and flat out told me "no", wouldn't even have a conversation about it), complains about us going to go to childbirth classes (he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to give up a couple of evenings), last night he got pissed when I didn't want to have sex (he came to bed at 1 am and didn't brush his teeth. gross.), earlier in the evening he said he wishes I would just leave him alone, we haven't eaten a meal together in weeks because he refuses to come inside at supper time, and this morning he completely ignored me. No good morning, no goodbye kiss, no I love you before I left for work.

    I know that for some guys pregnancy is a hard time, but for crying out loud. I feel like I'm dealing with a 4 year old. My emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out. :( The "leave me alone" comment is the thing that gets me the most. Why get married if you just want to be left alone?

    I totally feel for you, pregnancy sucks. But are you sure you've got handle on your emotions to assess this situation rationally? Sounds to me like you may be so hormonal right now, that you're overthinking the little things and nit-picking. You already have a 4-year old with DH right? Generally, you've known him to be a pretty supportive DH right? Don't read too much into it and let the situation rest for now ... your comment "my emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out" is kind of making me think it's the hormones. Marriage isn't something that should break that easily, and it's self-destructive to start thinking he's a horrible husband just because of these isolated incidents of late. As for him saying he "wants to leave you alone" ... and the no good-bye kiss, etc. ... are you sure he's not just trying to avoid you right now, because he thinks you're super hormonal, and perceives you to be constantly nagging on him and the conversations are no longer productive?

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/9ss3f4.jpg[/IMG]
  • He could also be uncomfortable with the idea of a doula- they still aren't maintstream support. My husband, for one, would view that as a waste of money when he can be support he thinks I need, and finds the idea of a doula a bit odd and pretty awkward/uncomfortable.

    He could be starting to process the reality of what's going on and he could be reacting to you and what you are going through, too. So much of the time I focus on what I need help with and what I can't do, and what might make me feel less uncomfortable, that I sometimes forget about him and what he might want or what he feels he needs.

    I don't think this is a taste of what is to come. It's just one of the hard times before the baby arrives when stress is high, preoccupation is high, hormone levels are high, and frustration/uncertainty is high.

  • image tikitomban:
    image chillyupnorth:

    He has been excited about the baby and more or less supportive of me, but lately he is just turning into a total douche sometimes. He got really mad when I told him I wanted to hire a doula (and flat out told me "no", wouldn't even have a conversation about it), complains about us going to go to childbirth classes (he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to give up a couple of evenings), last night he got pissed when I didn't want to have sex (he came to bed at 1 am and didn't brush his teeth. gross.), earlier in the evening he said he wishes I would just leave him alone, we haven't eaten a meal together in weeks because he refuses to come inside at supper time, and this morning he completely ignored me. No good morning, no goodbye kiss, no I love you before I left for work.

    I know that for some guys pregnancy is a hard time, but for crying out loud. I feel like I'm dealing with a 4 year old. My emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out. :( The "leave me alone" comment is the thing that gets me the most. Why get married if you just want to be left alone?

    I totally feel for you, pregnancy sucks. But are you sure you've got handle on your emotions to assess this situation rationally? Sounds to me like you may be so hormonal right now, that you're overthinking the little things and nit-picking. You already have a 4-year old with DH right? Generally, you've known him to be a pretty supportive DH right? Don't read too much into it and let the situation rest for now ... your comment "my emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out" is kind of making me think it's the hormones. Marriage isn't something that should break that easily, and it's self-destructive to start thinking he's a horrible husband just because of these isolated incidents of late. As for him saying he "wants to leave you alone" ... and the no good-bye kiss, etc. ... are you sure he's not just trying to avoid you right now, because he thinks you're super hormonal, and perceives you to be constantly nagging on him and the conversations are no longer productive?

     This is our first baby - I meant that DH is acting like a 4 year old :). You're right about the hormones, but it still seems like he is acting ridiculous. We always, always, always chat in the morning and say I love you and kiss goodbye before going to work. Always. So to me, ignoring me in the morning was kind of a big deal. Aside from not talking to him at all, ever, I don't know how much more I can leave him alone when we both work all day, he spends most of the evening in his man cave, and we see each other for maybe an hour or less in the evening (and that's if I stay up later than usual)? 

  • gremxulgremxul
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    member

    I don't think there's any excuse for his behavior, but I would reflect on the possiblity that his needs and wants could be getting totally ignored in the midst of all the baby planning and that his response was to shut off.  Make sure the delivery is about both of you (ask what he thinks about a doula, rather than stating you want one), the classes about both of you (the person who is not pregnant does need them as much as the pregnant person), and the dinner conversations mostly about things other than baby, as it used to be.  

    I guess my point is that while you may be focusing on how he is wronging you, maybe he has felt wronged first and is doing those things to try to show you how angry he is at you. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • you got married for better AND worse. now, having a baby is wonderful, but I have figured out that not NEARLY ENOUGH people talk about how tough this road can be, not just for us Mommies-to-be, but how scary/frustrating it can be for the men dealing with us. I can't believe how much I never knew, and hate having to find out new unpleasantries every week. I hate how I haven't slept for a whole night in 7 months, an he sleeps PERFECT every night. I went through a CRAZY sensitive period around 5-6 months, crying at EVERYTHING. Ry is the SWEETEST, most caring person in the whole wide world. But one day he just looked at me and said "can't you be a little less sensitive?" UMM, NO, NOT AN OPTION. That week I noticed that he was keeping to himself more, not feeling my belly as much, and I felt like I was the one initiating all kisses/snuggles/good byes/"have a nice day"s in the morning...I think he was just getting frustrated b/c there was nothing he could do to help me, and was scared. I tried to put myself in his position and just couldn't. I calmly went to our room and cried by myself so he wouldn't hear me. Of course he did and came to check on me. I just told him how I felt-that I needed extra "I love you's", and he needed to touch my tummy/talk to her more, because when he didn't it hurt my heart. I have encouraged him the whole time to have his own personal time though, because I know I CAN'T be easy to deal with. So, all in all, I think every woman has to go through some of what you are dealing with. Just tell him you love him all the time, and tell him how you truly feel. Life is too short and you want to make sure that your partner is doing just that, and not acting like your enemy, even if he doesn't mean it. I promise you it will get better! <3
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  • You know what? although his behaviour is completely unnacceptable, it seems like maybe it's just the stress of having the baby come. It seems like up until a few weeks ago, there were no issues and it could simply be due to stress of becoming a parent.

    I would give him a bit of a pass for a few days, let him go on vaca by himself, enjoy the quietness... some men just deal with the stress of becoming a parent differently and it seems  like yours is behaving like  a brat but I am pretty sure it won't last.

    Also keep in mind you are feeling emotional and vulnerable and something that may nto normally bother you does now.

    I know i don't feel like going out with DH and want to stay in or go to the movies by myself. DH gets a little upset about that. but everyone's different in enjoying these last few weeks of "freedom"

    when he comes back from this little weekend, sit him down and have a chat...I think it is all mainly related to the stress of the huge change that is about to come. I am just sorry you have to take it all.... good luck. Keep us posted

  • image chillyupnorth:
    image tikitomban:
    image chillyupnorth:

    He has been excited about the baby and more or less supportive of me, but lately he is just turning into a total douche sometimes. He got really mad when I told him I wanted to hire a doula (and flat out told me "no", wouldn't even have a conversation about it), complains about us going to go to childbirth classes (he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to give up a couple of evenings), last night he got pissed when I didn't want to have sex (he came to bed at 1 am and didn't brush his teeth. gross.), earlier in the evening he said he wishes I would just leave him alone, we haven't eaten a meal together in weeks because he refuses to come inside at supper time, and this morning he completely ignored me. No good morning, no goodbye kiss, no I love you before I left for work.

    I know that for some guys pregnancy is a hard time, but for crying out loud. I feel like I'm dealing with a 4 year old. My emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out. :( The "leave me alone" comment is the thing that gets me the most. Why get married if you just want to be left alone?

    I totally feel for you, pregnancy sucks. But are you sure you've got handle on your emotions to assess this situation rationally? Sounds to me like you may be so hormonal right now, that you're overthinking the little things and nit-picking. You already have a 4-year old with DH right? Generally, you've known him to be a pretty supportive DH right? Don't read too much into it and let the situation rest for now ... your comment "my emotions have been all over the place this morning because I feel like if this is how our marriage is going to be for the rest of the future, then I want out" is kind of making me think it's the hormones. Marriage isn't something that should break that easily, and it's self-destructive to start thinking he's a horrible husband just because of these isolated incidents of late. As for him saying he "wants to leave you alone" ... and the no good-bye kiss, etc. ... are you sure he's not just trying to avoid you right now, because he thinks you're super hormonal, and perceives you to be constantly nagging on him and the conversations are no longer productive?

     This is our first baby - I meant that DH is acting like a 4 year old :). You're right about the hormones, but it still seems like he is acting ridiculous. We always, always, always chat in the morning and say I love you and kiss goodbye before going to work. Always. So to me, ignoring me in the morning was kind of a big deal. Aside from not talking to him at all, ever, I don't know how much more I can leave him alone when we both work all day, he spends most of the evening in his man cave, and we see each other for maybe an hour or less in the evening (and that's if I stay up later than usual)? 

    LOL ... I totally read that wrong. And I totally know how you feel -- I've caught myself feeling like that too, where I told my husband "hey, where's my kiss goodbye, what the heck?" When you're pregnant, miserable, and hormonal ... you just feel the extra need for a little more TLC, and it makes you feel crappy when you don't get it! But don't worry ... these instances are by no means a gauge of how good your husband is, and trust me, you don't want to over-analyze your relationship while you've got all these hormones running through you ;) You probably have a pretty good hubby ... just let it sit a while, apologize if its the hormones, try to chat to him about how you feel when you feel calm, and see what happens. Just don't get all hyped up when you read posts about how your hubby is "wrong," etc ... don't get too down, it honestly sounds like a perfectly normal up and down of a relationship to me. Partners are never perfect or mind-readers ... the best we can do is get upset, talk it through, make up, and continually improve ;)

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/9ss3f4.jpg[/IMG]
  • What about throwing him a "man shower"?" Call a bunch of his friends and have them kidnap him for a night/weekend. Maybe him just going and hanging out with "the guys" will help him de-stress. I would include a little card for one of the friends to give him when they pick him up that says something like: "You seemed a little tense lately and since you are such an awesome honey, I wanted to make sure you got a much needed break! Have fun, I love you!" (that way you get the brownie points, lol) Remember, like my daddy always said, "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar".

    And heck, you take that same time to go out with your girlfriends and de-stress yourself! Both of you deserve a little "me" time!

  • sorry you are having to deal with this.
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