Anti-gay MIL help?
The troubling thing about my MIL is that she loves my wife and I so much, but she seems to not like "us" as a couple. She has had psychology training, so we always thought she'd be the most supportive but it's vice versa. Her favorite cousin growing up was gay. I just don't get it.
She always pauses before introducing us, can't really call us wives or even partners. It's always "family friend." We got married 8 months ago and she repeatedly talked about how our wedding was "not a real wedding" though she did say it was awesome after it happened. Today she was talking about our "lifestyle" and I finally snapped and told her that it was not a "lifestyle" and that it really bothered me when she said that. She left in a huff.
We have talked to her other family members who have agreed with things and have mentioned them to her (even prior to us discussing with them), but nothing clicks. We have mentioned how our wedding was real to her... I know I won't keep biting my tongue when she says these things, so do I just avoid family get togethers? It's really a shame, because she's a really wonderful MIL. I just can't stand the anti-gay slips. My wife and I have been together 10 years, so it's not like she hasn't had time to adjust. Our other family members treat us as family so it's not like one whole side feels weird about us - just her.
The possibility could exist that she just didn't like me, but she treated the gay issue quite badly before she knew me. Thus I think it really is a gay issue. My wife is really bothered too, but I think she feels it a lost cause. Thoughts, ideas and suggestions needed :-(
Re: Anti-gay MIL help?
I've written a response a few times but deleted before I post because I don't know if my words sound right, so here is another attempt.
You've been with your wife for 10 years, has your MIL been this way the entire time? I have a hard time with the fact that you say she is loving, and great but then you are willing to consider not going to family functions. Her not considering you wedding 'real' is hurtful and you've addressed that with her.
The way she introduces you is different, IMO. Don't forget that we aren't the only ones that face discrimination because of our sexuality. Our families do too. And based on the fact that you're in OH I can bet MIL has run into her share of discrimmination. It's a hard thing to face and MIL might not be ready/willing/whatever to potentially put off friends by using the term "wife."
I think before you cut off family ties to someone you say loves you, you and your DW would be better served by sitting down with MIL and talking to her. Have you asked her why it is hard for to use the term wife?
To answer your topics:
<<I have a hard time with the fact that you say she is loving, and great but then you are willing to consider not going to family functions.>> Some people are very loving until it comes down to your sexual orientation. I have issues with that.
<<You've been with your wife for 10 years, has your MIL been this way the entire time?>> Yes, although she was much worse at the original outing.
<<And based on the fact that you're in OH I can bet MIL has run into her share of discrimmination...>> I'm not talking about the whole world, but close people. She has issues with addressing us as wives even with people who know! We expect in certain situations to not be introduced as wives, both because of the situation and because of concern for being outed where we would not want to be. We are in a very liberal part of Ohio - definitely not Massachusetts or San Francisco - but not country either.
<<Do you think she'd be up for a family therapist?>> I would hope so, because I don't know if anything else will help!
I'm not really talking about severing ties, but making visits much less frequent. We see her a whole lot and often come away put down.