toddlers and "self-soothing" not for sleep
M is a very sensitive child. We've known this for a while and I have some mommy doubts that I am making it worse instead of better : ( When he gets upset, he has a meltdown. He doesn't really have violent tantrums, he's just very difficult to soothe and gets on these heartbreaking crying jags that he has a hard time stopping, just like his momma.
For example, today a kid at B&N was being rough at the train table and bumping him out of the way. DH was with M but I guess M tried avoiding him a few times and then he bumped him pretty hard and when he started to cry he wailed and was inconsolable (which lead to the other mom using some pretty harsh words/actions for her child which were out of proportion with what happened and I'll admit made me feel bad.)
How I handle things like this currently is telling M its okay to be upset and asking him how I can help him feel better. I start by offering cuddles and then model "discussion" about what he could choose to do to make himself feel better (would playing with a different toy help you feel better? would cuddles make you feel better?) I try not to harp on him with lots of words/questions but give him 2-3 minute breaks to chill in between options. Eventually, what works generally feels like distraction. Today it was "let's read this new book and see if that makes you feel better".
He's gotten the "crybaby" label from a few obnoxious nosy-nellies. Grrr. However, his crying instances are few and far between , they're just really intense and long when they happen. This leads me to believe I'm on the right track in "taking them seriously" since he's able to handle most bumps in the road without a fuss but leaves me feeling hopeless because they do take so long for M to calm down and seem so bad.
So, I guess my questions are: how does your toddler handle melt-downs? Does your toddler have some tips to self-soothe when they get upset and/or did you/are you teaching them these things? How else can I handle these episodes? Should I be ignoring more? Other ideas/stories/comments?
TIA!
Re: toddlers and "self-soothing" not for sleep
Sounds like you are doing great.
When my daughter is having an issue I try to catch it before it gets to bad, with a distraction or quick removal. If she lets me I will comfort her and I usually say "I know, I know" if I can I help her with whatever words she may need like "You are frustrated with the toy?" or "Ouch that looks like it hurt!" she now has taken to saying her emotions (with my help) she will say "hurts, chair" or "Mad, Mad" so I can tell it does help.
I never ignore my daughter if she is crying/screaming/tantruming If she is angry and treating me bad I let her know "I will not let you hurt me." and offer her words "I know you are angry with me" If I am cleaning or busy I just tell her quickly "I love you, We will play when I am done" I just started saying "Please wait" and now she says "wait" most of the time she only waits for a minute or two but every once and a while she will go and play by herself! YAH!!!
uhm maybe these can help:
https://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#top
https://www.positivediscipline.com/files/MistakenGoalChart.pdf
https://babyshrink.com/
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
It's simply semantics, but I would make sure to say "you can make yourself feel better if you X" instead of "X will make you feel better." - You want him to learn and know that he is in charge of his feelings and emotions - they aren't just controlled by outside forces (a specific toy, a book, etc)
if he is a sensitive child, he needs help learning how to work with what he is/has. There is nothing wrong with his feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc -BUT he should learn a more useful/functional way of working though them - it is your job to help him have more appropriate coping techniques. I think an on going dialog (in age appropriate speak) is best. I don't think the behavior should be ignored completely, as his feelings are valid - but you can def curb it a bit by explaining, rationalizing, and modeling.
Great point. Thanks!