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Stay at Home Moms
st.augbride
member
Anyone become a SAHM after NO intentions of being one?
st.augbride
member
Today is ds's first day at daycare and I'm a mess. It's a trial run. I actually start work tomorrow, but will hang out with him there for a few hours today and will pick him up early. I am miserable over the thought of leaving him, and just keep thinking that I will never have this amount of uninterrupted time with him again. I never even considered being a SAHM mom. I went to grad school forever for a PhD and have an excellent job that I enjoy and is very flexible/family friendly. I earn more than dh and carry our benefits. However, none of it feels important to me now other than the pay/benefits we depend on. Dh also has his PhD and a great job, so staying home isn't an option for him either. We live in a high cost of living area and I'm now having all these dreams of him finding a job elsewhere so I can stay home with ds for a few years and then find something else (my current position does not allow unpaid leave at all). Anyone else jump ship from a great and 'big' career?
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Re: Anyone become a SAHM after NO intentions of being one?
I see you have a preemie too!. I was working on my BSN when ds decided to show up at 24 weeks. It was not safe to leave him in daycare (due to him being a micro preemie and his chronic lung disease). So I decided to stay home with him.
I am now currently pregnant with #2(unplanned). I couldn't imagine being at a job/school anymore. But of course that's just me. We have some student loans for me we now have to pay off but we are all happier with me at home.
I love the time I get to spend with ds. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I had absolutely no intentions of being a SAHM before I got married. I was obtaining my JD when I met my husband and my intentions were for us to be working parents. DH was the one to first suggest that I SAH. I was against the idea at first because I had spent so much time and money obtaining my degree and I loved my career. However, SAH worked a lot better given our circumstances. Our careers did not work well together, someone would have had to sought a new job.
I first decided to take a different job that would allow me more flexibility (as required with DH's career which requires us to move every couple of years). After DD arrived I wanted nothing more than to SAH with her. If my high school home ec teacher saw me today she would laugh. I got in more than one argument with her over the usefulness of home ec for someone who would never become a SAHM.
Yep. Me.
I was laid off when I was 35w pregnant, had DD at 37w. Took a new position when she was 5 months old and quit after one day (could not put her in daycare). When she was 13 months old, I took another job but quit after 4 months.
I think I'm supposed to stay home until she reaches school age. My H is soo happy I SAH.
I have an MD and was 2 years into a 4 year residency when DS was born. I did finish my residency because it really would have been career suicide not to do it. I also started a fellowship with the intention of staying an additional year, but it didn't work out for us. I got a ton of support on the WM board. It is really hard to share these feelings with friends/co-workers IRL, and it was so helpful to have somewhere to go.
I work very PT now to keep my feet wet and I keep myself credentialed.
You are certainly not alone. There is an interesting book called "Opting Out" by Pamela Stone about this very topic.
You are far from alone. I think a lot of us have advanced degrees and good career experience. I did not intend to be a SAHM, though we did plan our lives to live on one income, but more because it made more sense to us from a financial prospective and gave us more flexibility. I worked in corporate finance for 12 years. One of my favorite SAHM friends was a math professor and gave it up to SAH. Another working mom whose son is in my playgroup is a management professor and her DH is an engineer turned SAH.
The benefits for us are huge and the downsides small. You might need to work for a bit to get everything settled from a financial prospective, but it can be done. BTW... Atlanta is a great place to be a prof. Lots of colleges and universities close together and a fairly reasonable cost of living. Good luck whatever you decide.
Me! I had a small business I worled really hard to get off the ground. Four years in I got pregnant with the intention of having a part time nanny and hired some staff so I could work less. Working less for me meant 40 hours a week instead of 70.
As soon as she was sick for the first time and I couldn't be with her I knew the right choice was to sell my business. It took a year to sell but it finally did. DH always said he didn't want a wife that was a SAHM, he loved my ambition and drive. Now he is the one who reminds me how important my "job" is. I think he used to judge SAHMs but has 100% changed his mind about it.
Just give it time and know any change is an adjustment. Never quit anything on a bad day (ie your job or staying at home). Don't make any rash decisions. Your LO can thrive in daycare.
I now work 10 hours a week, perfect for my family. I keep my foot in the door career wise and get time to myself. The money evened out because after the costs of nanny, eating out etc there wasn't alot left over when I worked. I can also shop better now and save my family money. It sounds like this may not be the case for you if you are the breadwinner and carry the benefits. Good luck with your journey.
What you're feeling is 100% perfectly normal!! I know it's depressing to think about going back to work and not seeing your LO as much as you want but honestly... IT GETS EASIER. My first day back at work after 12 weeks of mat. leave, I was sobbing the whole drive in. Then I stepped foot in the doors and <gasp!> I felt "normal". Sure, I missed my little girl but there was a part of me that felt surprisingly good about going to work, seeing my work friends, eating lunch w/ 2 hands, going to the bathroom regularly (!), and doing a job that I liked. It's one of those typical situations where the dread you feel is about 150x worse than the actual situation once you're in it, kwim? So, I've been working FT for just about 4 years since DD is born and this Fridya is my last day. I'm going to SAH for the summer plus about 12 months (that's teh plan at least) and I am SHOCKED that I'm doing it honestly. It was never my intention. I guess we never really talked about it one way or the other, really. My DH got a great job about 10 months ago so the timing works out that I'm able to SAH now with DD and her soon-to-be little bro/ sis.
Seriously, don't feel guilty. You're allowed to feel sad but don't layer on extra guilt. it's not necessary.
Good luck!!
I too was laid off during the end of my pregnancy. I received my severance in a lump sum and decided not to look for a new job for a couple years. I never thought that I would be able to be a SAHM but after doing the number I really didn't contribute that much to the household anyway. I really think you should do what makes you happy. You need to be doing what you love, no matter if it's a high paying job or SAHM
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Thanks, ladies. It's really helpful to hear your stories. I just don't know what to think or do. I know I need to give it some time, especially for medical reasons (see below).
This is also a major part of my concern. Ds was 6 weeks early but with severe IUGR so he was the size of a 29 or 30 weeker at only 3lbs 3oz. He's now only about 12lbs at almost 5 months. He never had any major medical issues luckily, but has had a million minor ones including reflux (and he's still very hard to feed), hypothyroidism, chordee/hypospadias (requires surgery next month), torticollis and possibly now plagiocephaly. We also work with a physical therapist and he requires many stretches/exercises each day to help him develop without needing added surgery or a helmet, plus to help catch up on developmental delays. Daycare just can't do these things with him. I went to get him after his first day there (cut it short--just a 3 hour trial). He only ate 2oz and was there in the swing when I came in. He seemed to be in a decent mood, but the swing is bad for his torticollis which I told them.... Ironically, with all the medical care he needs, I know we need my benefits to carry us through. We couldn't afford his procedures without them. Dh could technically take 2.5 more months of unpaid FMLA, which we might do if we need to jump ship on the daycare so that we have time to figure out another option. This all just sucks. I wish I knew I'd feel this way before we built our life around both of our careers/salaries, but I guess that's impossible to know. Sigh.
I had absolutely no intentions of even trying to stay home. I love my career and worked hard to get there. Then I gave birth to twins at 31 weeks. She was in the NICU for 6 weeks and he was in for 7 weeks. I still tried them in daycare when it was time to go back, but after 5 months of them catching every cold and becoming super sick all of the time, being hospitalized with RSV, and doing breathing treatments around the clock and then trying to go to work, I finally quit. We didn't think we'd be able to make it without my salary and benefits, so we hadn't even tried before we were forced into it. It was a hard adjustment, but I ended up loving it! We had to make some monetary adjustments, but we figured it out. I wouldn't give up the time I had for anything in the world. I have just returned back to work part time and the kids are over 2. This time feels good and right and not stressful. Good luck with everything!