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Parenting after 35
Vincent
member
Delivered 3 weeks and 2 days early via emergency c/s due to pre-e
When is helping too much- VENT
Vincent
member
I?m starting to feel overwhelmed with my MIL and need some advice. My MIL who is retired decided that she?ll come up every week for a day to help me with laundry, dishes etc. She is one of these people who enjoys scrubbing the floor and organizing and I know that she really does mean well, so I didn?t object to her coming up because I do recognize I need the help. Though I appreciate her help, it seems to come at a cost- my sanity. This past Thursday she stayed for almost 9 hours and only left after dinner when my DH who came home from work and surprised to still see her here said that FIL would be worried since it was almost 9:30 pm. I personally think she would have stayed much longer if DH didn?t say something.
I?m probably being overly sensitive but during her visit, I felt at times that I had to defend myself why I was doing something with the baby (ie: not using baby powder on her diaper rash and instead using a balm or changing the baby on our bed and not using the changing table). I know these things sound small and I should pick my battles and probably could if the visit was shorter but after a while I was starting to lose my patience and felt that her opinion was the only one and I couldn't do anything right. I feel that she?s not allowing me to make my own mistakes as a new mother and I?m starting to feel resentment towards her. Am I being selfish because she is helping us out.
I think the last thing that sent me over the edge that day, of course I didn?t say anything to her and probably should have, was when I realized that she was reorganizing the nursery. Granted things were everywhere, products still in packages and the room probably did need some sprucing up but I feel that she?s overdoing it and I?m not looking forward to her coming up if in the end I have to feel bad. My DH wants no part of it because he says he knows she can be intense, so this is my battle. I only have a couple more weeks home and I want to enjoy the time I have with DD but I feel with MIL constantly providing unsolicited advice it's making the time unbearable. How do you tactfully tell someone it's time to go home when you've had enough and also it's my house, baby etc and I have my own opinion on how I want things to go.
Delivered 3 weeks and 2 days early via emergency c/s due to pre-e
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When is helping too much- VENT
I could be in the minority on this: I'm sorry, but to me, the fact that she's DH's mother makes it his "battle". If you feel that strongly about her coming over & if she really does make you feel that badly, I think he needs to man up & talk to her.
How long has she been coming over? You said you have only a couple more weeks home & you want to enjoy the time you have left with DD, but you feel that your MIL is making the time unbearable with unsolicited advice: if you feel that strongly, tell this to your DH. He could thank his mother for all of the hlep, then tell her that you only have a few weeks left with DD and you'd like to spend that time alone with her.
My MIL was pretty much hands off. When I was put on bedrest during my last weeks of pregnancy, she did offer to come over & clean; DH thanked her for the offer & said we'd let her know if we needed anything, end of discussion. About 2 weeks after our LO was born, my mom came & stayed with us for a week to help out. She really was a help: she helped with cooking & cleaning, she didn't just sit there & hold the baby. When it came to LO, she pretty much left everything up to me. Yes, she did offer advice & guidance but that was it--she offered those things. She didn't tell me that I was doing anything wrong as a new mom. She didn't come in & rearrange my home. I mean yeah, she did give me a much-needed nudge in the cleaning dept because honestly, it was starting to look like a family of hoarders lived here. I needed that nudge, lol. But all in all it was a nice experience, considering I was pretty insistent with myself during my pregnancy that I wanted to do everything myself once LO got here.
DH & I have an agreement: if I have an issue with someone in his family, he talks to them about it and vice versa.
I agree with Sugar that your DH needs to have a chat with her. You're still overwhelmed and flooded with hormones, and he knows her better and and can more likely tell her what's up in a way she'll understand. If he adamantly refuses, you could try telling her you really appreciate all her help and experience, but that longer visits are exhausting for you and you need to keep them to a 4 or 5 hour maximum. Better if your husband says it, of course, but what can you do.
For the nursery thing, you could try asking her relentless questions about why she would organize things that particular way, accept some of her suggestions, and for others say that you'd prefer to arrange it differently. If she feels you are paying attention and listening to her, it might be easier to get your voice heard. I'm sure she really does want to help, she's super-excited about the new baby, and doesn't see that she's intruding.
Could your husband talk to your FIL? Maybe between them they can cool your MIL's jets. Good luck!
You say that SHE decided that she would visit one day a week. Do YOU want her there one day a week? If not, then you (or your DH) need to say something. It sounds like your MIL means no harm and is trying to help you out, though her visits may be a bit too long. If you could use some help (and what new mom doesn't?), maybe you could say, "Hey, MIL...I really appreciate you coming and helping me out. I think I need the most help with laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning the bathrooms." This way she's not running around your house carte blanche doing things that you don't want/need her to do.
While you might have seen her "rearranging" your nursery, it sounds to me like she was putting away unopened items. She probably thought that was one less thing you'd have to worry about.
I don't know the tone of your MIL's baby advice, but most grandmas tend to offer advice, unwanted or not. My MIL doesn't say a word, but my mom has plenty to say. I don't get defensive (though, frankly my mom makes me wonder if I am doing anything right with DS); I just explain my rationale and leave it at that.
As for the never-ending visits, maybe your DH could say, "Mom, we really appreciate you helping out around the house but we're not getting much sleep and have to start winding down the day kind of early. Hope you don't mind that we're trying to limit visits to a few hours."
Sounds like your MIL just needs a few boundaries. Good luck!
I absolutely agree with PPs that it's his mother, his problem.
If he refuses to talk to her (or FIL, I like that idea also since it might spare her feelings) I think I would ask her to come much later in the afternoon, then DH can send her home when he gets home. I guess that kind of makes it his problem unless he wants to stay up with her after you take LO with you and go to bed.
You might also give her a little "thank you" gift. And let her know that you appreciate her help and her helping you get settled into your new role etc., etc. This is probably too subtle on it's own, but maybe it will start the conversation about what help you need going forward.
Good Luck.
3 things:
1. His mother, his problem. To ask you to tank a relationship that may or may not be able to withstand the discussion that needs to take place is ridiculous. And cowardly. At the very least I think your DH should have a talk with her about time spent and perhaps set a time limit for now or at least an expectation of how long she will be.
2. Your baby is still very young. If you are anything like me, I had a tenuous grip on my sanity at that point anyway. The slightest thing could set me off into an angry tirade or hysterics. So realize that right now, while your hormones are still evening out, you are still in the thick of things and in the midst of sleep deprivation, it could be that you might be being a little overly sensitive. You objected to her organizing the nursery BUT it needed to be organized and hadn't. Channel her energies. She is, ultimately, saving you a lot of work. You can always leave the house while she is there to run some errands or just spend time out. Perhaps the conversation instead is to check with you first about big projects before she starts. And why not make up a list of things for your MIL to do? I have found both with my MIL and my father, I have to had things lined up for them to do or else their energies get spent on a less desirable task. Honestly, I save organizing the baby clothes for my MIL. She loves it and while I might miss "oh how cute" or "she outgrew this? wah!", it's a chore off my list. My MIL shows me how she did it and is open to suggestions when I say something may or may not work.
3. Your MIL will be but one of the many who offer up unsolicited advice about rearing your child. Just let it roll off. Might as well learn to do so now. If she starts countermanding your orders, then take it to the next level. But for now, "oh, baby powder is now discouraged. A lot of the creams nowadays have cornstarch in them which does the same job." or "I think she'll live if I change her on the bed. It is what works for us."
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Thank you everyone for all the advice, I really appreciate your honest feedback. Just to answer a few questions asked: Who suggested her coming up? MIL asked if she could come up to help now that she's retired, I suggested once a week so I could attend two support groups and still have some time alone throughtout the week. I suspected that since she was forced to retire she may be just lonely and I should probably cut her some slack. How long has she been coming over? This is her second week coming up, not a real habit yet, again I should probably cut her some slack. Has a time limit been set for the visits? DH didn't see the weekly visits or length of her visit as an issue though it's still very new and has agreed to address it if it happens again this week. Do you create a list? I probably should start a weekly list of important tasks so she doesn't have the free of the house. Advice, unwanted or not? I should probably develop a thick skin now and recognize that I don't have to take the advice given, I just find it easier to tell my own mother to back off than I do with MIL. I like the advice given "It is what works for us.", how can she argue with that.
Since I haven't had a real issue with her until now I'm going to suck it up to homones and see how this week goes. I feel a little better now.
Delivered 3 weeks and 2 days early via emergency c/s due to pre-e
Honestly, it could be worse. Much worse. At least she does go home after that one day.. it'd be 20x worse if she came to stay in the house with you.
Lots of deep breaths and take advantage of the help while you have it. Give her a list of tasks that will keep her busy.. run your errands, go grocery shopping, get her out of the house!
Plus, as you said, it's only been two visits so far. I do think you're a bit clouded by the hormones and newness of it all.
I had no help at all, really, and had a bad c-section recovery that kept me in bed for about a week after C was born. My poor overwhelmed hubby asked me to call my own not-so-helpful mother to come out and pitch in. She's about as grandmotherly as a shrub. I still have to reminder her to pay attention to Charlie sometimes. Sigh! So careful what you wish for, lady!
I bet you feel this way! I mean, this is one of the most stressful times in your life and you have someone hanging out with you for hours.
My MIL is amazing, the sweetest woman on the planet who does nothing but clean my house. She suggest things every once in awhile-but that's it. But she GETS ON MY EVER LOVING NERVES. She always comes for two weeks-after our children are born-she's so much help -don't know what I'd do without her-but I literally have to get in my car to go sit in a gas station for a break. For me-it's jsut having someone in my space-when I'm stressed out of my mind-I mean, at that point-you're lucky to get a shower. Not to mention-having to be emotionally presentable for hours at a time.
And no-you do not have to suck up anything. That's annoying. Not okay-esp. not in your house. New moms question themselves enough-no, no, no. She probably has no idea that she's doing it-and will stop if given gentle nudge by DH. (my mom stopped immediately.)
Assvice-
I wonder if you could set time limits-oh we have mommy and me classes at 2 p.m. Or, even better, when the baby is able too-maybe you could schedule a class to go to when she is there.
A counselor once told me-that it is the spouse's job to manage the relationship btwn other spouse and their parents. I think it's important that you keep your hands clean. Maybe DH can "notice that it makes you feel bad when people give you assvice." And he's noticed "that you guys really need your space..."
Anyone would feel like you do-and the worst thing you can do is try to pretend like it doesn't bother you. That's only going to build resentment. GL.
I have to disagree here... If you're the one with the problem you need to address it with them.
Once you married your husband, his family became yours. For better or worse, you will have to deal with them.
I typically give my husband the opportunity to address something with his relatives first, and if I don't feel like the matter has been dealt with or resolved, I damn sure will open my mouth and say something about it.
You may be frustrated with your mother in law now, but take a deep breath, organize your thoughts and explain the situation to her. You can do that without insulting her.
Something as simple as "You've been a great help these past weeks and we both really appreciate it. I only have a couple of weeks left before I have to return to work, so I'd like to spend that time on my own. I think it's important to get used to what things will be like when I don't have the extra help around, and it will be easier to transition back to work."
I'm sure she'll understand. And as far as the pokes and jibes about how you're not doing xyz right... don't be afraid to defend yourself.
My mom is totally overbearing, but she at least knows better than to question my decisions regarding my daughter. Things have certainly changed a lot in the last 38 years, which was the last time my mother raised a child (my younger sister). She may ask me why I am doing something or not doing something, and I explain why.
Mcwhittaker- I'm glad to see you made it to the parenting after 35 board... How's it going?
Delivered 3 weeks and 2 days early via emergency c/s due to pre-e
EXACTLY!!!
You were EXTREMELY nice to let your MIL into your life. She's taking advantage of the situation and overstepping her welcome. DH's mother DH's problem! I'd tell her thanks for the help but you're feeling up to the challenge now. Hire a house cleaner and enjoy your baby in peace!