Blended Families

Am I wrong for feeling this way? (long)

Backstory: DH has a 7 year old son with his ex wife. They were separated for 2 years before we got together, but their divorce did not finalize until right after we moved in together. 

In the parenting agreement part of their divorce BM had a clause added that says "Both parents agree to no unrelated overnight visitors of the opposite sex." This was her initial stab at DH when it came to me. So what did we do to combat that? We got married. There I am related. She did not like that I lived there, and openly admitted to DH that she thought he would leave me because he would have to chose between me and his son.

On June 1st, SS comes to stay with us for the month. DH is supposed to be out of town for work until the morning of the 2nd. DH asked BM if she would mind me driving the 5 hours to pick up SS, and then he would be home the next morning. BM wont allow it, so DH is taking off from work, to go get him. We have been trying to make this work for a month, since we found out that he was going to have to take this trip. 

This morning, BM sends DH a text message, asking him for money. She just got $450 from him yesterday for child support! So DH calls her to find out if the additional money she is asking for is for something for SS. She tells him its not and she gets mad because he is refusing to send her more money. He tells her that he is having to do all the driving to come get SS on Wednesday and take off work, she is not going to get more money from him. She replies " Oh so you are coming? I didnt want "Ladybug" to come because I didnt want you to get him. Anyways, I hope you lose your job over this, "Ladybug" doesnt deserve to be a stay at home mom."

A couple hours later SS calls DH, which he never does, DH always calls him. SS asked him when he was going to give BM money for school clothes. DH tells him that we were looking forward to taking him school clothes shopping while he is here. BM takes the phone from SS and starts yelling at DH that "Ladybug does not need to be involved in shopping for HER son." But the fact of the matter is that DH gave her an additional $700 for school clothes and supplies last summer, and SS had nothing to show for it. So DH wants to make sure that SS has things.

I just dont understand why BM brings everything back to me. I dont feel like its any of her business if I am a SAHM. I dont understand why she wont let me talk to SS on the phone when DH calls. I dont understand why I cant go pick up SS. I have been extremely good to SS, and SS loves me. Is she still jealous? There is nothing that should make her worry, except SS not wanting to go home.

Is it wrong that I am upset about her asking DH for money? I dont ask my exH for money. Her and her three kids (only one is DH's) live with her mom, dad and her grandmother (7 people and 4 dogs in a two bedroom house with a finished basement. Drives me nuts that SS shares a room with his brother and baby sister) , and she admits to not having any bills except her cell phone. She works and doesn't claim it against child support. She gets $1000 a month from DH for child support for SS. Three weeks ago when we saw SS he had holes in his shoes, stains on his clothes and his hair was long. We took him shopping, bought him shoes and clothes, and got his hair cut. She doesn't  allow SS to participate in any extracurricular activities or sports, so there is no expenses there. 

I just dont know what to do anymore and I hate feeling like this. I have done everything I can to make SS comfortable with me and my kids, and from what I know he is. DH goes to bat for me constantly, but she refuses to not throw me up in the middle of every conversation. I have tried to have casual conversations with her, to try to break the ice. It doesn't work. I want to understand her views, I am sure that one day my children will have a step mom and I will be in her shoes. I am just so frustrated. 

Thoughts? I know you ladies will give it to me straight. 

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Re: Am I wrong for feeling this way? (long)

  • I think at this point you need to just ignore and try your best to stay away from any kind of interaction w her. If SS is being treated so poorly why don't you guys fight for custody? The living situation alone sounds like grounds enough. Secondly, how is she able to work and not claim that on cs? I would be having that reviewed ASAP.
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  • imagekaratechrissy:
    I think at this point you need to just ignore and try your best to stay away from any kind of interaction w her. If SS is being treated so poorly why don't you guys fight for custody? The living situation alone sounds like grounds enough. Secondly, how is she able to work and not claim that on cs? I would be having that reviewed ASAP.

     We spoke to a lawyer in January about fighting for custody. He said that basically, because she has other children, the courts would be extremely hesitant to remove one child. There is no doubt that we could provide a more stable home life, both financially and emotionally. 

    Every time she gets paperwork to have child support reduced because she is working, she calls in sick until she gets fired. The last time we went in for a review, she decided that although shes not working, shes "looking" for a job and that apparently has to be done after SS gets out of school, so CS went up to accommodate her need to put him in an after school program. Her mother doesn't work.  At least his grades went up after starting the after school program, because they were doing his homework with him.

    I really feel that she views her son as a paycheck, I just dont understand it. 

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  • I think it is really important in a situation like yours (mine is super similar) that you Realize you can control no ones actions but your own. BM is never going to change. She will likely always dislike you. She will likely always blame you, be angry at you and have negative things to say about you. It sucks but, the only thing that you can do is block it out. I told h a long long time ago to just not tell me that stuff unless I asked. It's not worth hearing. I know all too well what it is like to try to be the better person, just to hear repeatedly that you are horrible (or in my case a wh0re since the good Christian BM thought that was the appropriate thing to call me). It got to a point where I just said f-ck it, who cares what she thinks of me. Does it suck you couldn't go get ss to make everyones lives easier, yup. Does it suck that she is an angry PITA, absolutely. But you know what, how much must it suck to live with that much hate and anger every single day? That's not on you, that is all on her. So try to just let it go. It's really not worth dwelling on. When I learned that, my life became much much more pleasant.
  • hopankahopanka member

    I don't think anything she wrote would be grounds for change of custody. The fact that SS shares a bedroom with his siblings and lives with his grandparents is not abusive. (It can actually be fun!) The fact that he had holes in his shoes one time is not enough either, that would have to be a consistent situation....him being dirty, hungry, with improper clothing/shoes on and his dad would have to have that documented with pictures every time.

    Anyway, I'm not sure OP is even trying to change the custody agreement, I think she just wants some peace. She may or may not get it, who knows what BM is upset about. There are a lot of people who like to spew their misery onto others and are unable to be happy for another person when their life is not going the way they would like. That is nothing new...in fact, people who are able to be noble and feel genuinely happy for others even if they are not doing so well themselves - are hard to find. OP is just going to have to deal with that. It is what it is. BM hates the fact that her ex-husband has moved on is doing well with his new family.

    There is nothing you (OP) can do about that, besides grow thick skin and not take it personally.

  • Also as far as talking to her and trying to break the ice, make things better goes, I would say don't bother. Nothing that you can say or do will make it better or change her view of you. It just won't. She is likely projecting her own negative feelings about herself onto you. She is an unhappy person who is going to take it out on the person it is easiest to blame, the evil stepmom. Been there, done that, ended in me letting BM know, on no uncertain terms, that I will never ever speak to her again. 6 years in and so far so good. I plan to keep it that way. As for when your own kids get a stepmom, you know how to handle it. Be the opposite of her.
  • Your feelings are completely normal. However, it sounds like BM is BSC and just does this because she is jealous and knows it bothers DH and you. Aside from DH setting her straight when she makes nasty comments and establishing boundaries (i.e. I will never give you any extra money, so don't ask), there's not anything you can do about it. It sucks she won't let you pick up SS, but it is probably better for you if you don't have to see her or deal with her (although if DH put it in writing that you would be picking him up and she refused visitation, I think she would still be in contempt). I would not try to have any kind of relationship with her at this point.
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  • imagehopanka:

    Anyway, I'm not sure OP is even trying to change the custody agreement, I think she just wants some peace. 

     Changing the agreement is something that we have looked into. There is a lot about the situation that is not right. 

    BM is always drunk. This has been told to DH by her mother, grandmother and SS.

    SS should not be sharing a room with his 1 year old sister, and according to DSS in that county,  if DH filed a formal complaint she would have 30 days to fix the situation (the only way that would happen would be to move out of her mothers house) or he would be removed from the home until she could fix it. 

    The school has contacted DH about putting SS on a reduced meal plan, because SS never has lunch money, yet there should be plenty of money. They continuously contacted to BM to discuss this with her, and she wouldnt call them back. A teacher called DH to discuss with him the importance of "personal hygiene" and her concern for SS.  Again, the teacher tried to contact BM at no avail. 

    Even though there is the "no overnight visitors of the opposite sex unrelated" clause in the parenting agreement, she doesnt follow it, and has a new boyfriends all of the time. According to her mom, if the kids dont like the boyfriend, BM leaves with their grandmother until her and boyfriend split. There is no stability in the house. She doesnt support them financially. Ultimately it is just a crazy situation that we hope to be able to resolve soon. SS will tell everyone he wants to live here, but 7 year olds cant tell a judge that. 

    This was more about me finding peace. I could careless if she likes me, its a matter of being able to communicate and work together for SS's sake. He is all that really matters.

     

     

     

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  • What has a lawyer said about all this?  Do they say if y'all have a chance at winning custody?

    My DH's CO says that he can appoint any adult know to his child to travel with her to and from homes.  It is a standard clause in COs in TX but I'm sure it is in most states COs.  I would try to find her in contempt as often as possible and change the CO as soon as possible not only for the sake of your sanity but for the well being of the child.  As far as you picking up your SS so he can be there when his dad gets home, if y'all had this clause in place he wouldn't be required to tell his XW that he isn't going to be there that night, only that you will be picking SS up.  She may never change her attitude but hopefully someday you will get lucky in that regard.  However, until that point, have as little contact with her as necessary.  That will be the best for your nerves.

    Also, I have never heard of the CS amount being dependent on how much the CP makes in their job.  The laws, as I know them, say that each parent is responsible for half of the support (of course dads always get stuck with health insurance for some reason).

    GL!

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  • imageo_so_in_love:

    What has a lawyer said about all this?  Do they say if y'all have a chance at winning custody?

    Also, I have never heard of the CS amount being dependent on how much the CP makes in their job.  The laws, as I know them, say that each parent is responsible for half of the support (of course dads always get stuck with health insurance for some reason).

    GL!

    The lawyer we spoke to in January told us that because she has other children in the home, if we found her unfit they would remove all of them. DH is really worried about the effect that would have on SS. 

    Here in TN, and in SC where my CO was established, CS is dependent on both parents income. Because she quits jobs before we get to court, the courts give her a residual income (They make one up based on minimum wage at 40 hours a week.) Then they add in CS from her oldest child to that income. However, she has a child she does not receive CS for. So one cancels out the other, because she has to take care of those children too. Its pretty screwy.

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  • imageLadybug720:
    imageo_so_in_love:

    What has a lawyer said about all this?  Do they say if y'all have a chance at winning custody?

    Also, I have never heard of the CS amount being dependent on how much the CP makes in their job.  The laws, as I know them, say that each parent is responsible for half of the support (of course dads always get stuck with health insurance for some reason).

    GL!

    The lawyer we spoke to in January told us that because she has other children in the home, if we found her unfit they would remove all of them. DH is really worried about the effect that would have on SS. 

    Here in TN, and in SC where my CO was established, CS is dependent on both parents income. Because she quits jobs before we get to court, the courts give her a residual income (They make one up based on minimum wage at 40 hours a week.) Then they add in CS from her oldest child to that income. However, she has a child she does not receive CS for. So one cancels out the other, because she has to take care of those children too. Its pretty screwy.

    I think it's great that your DH is worried about the effect on SS if all the children were removed but in the end you have to do what's best for him.  What is worse?  The effect or letting SS stay with BM if you can win custody?  Would the other children go to a guardian that will take care of them better than their mother?

    As far as CS, can her work history be documented to show that she is trying to mess with the system so she can get more money?  That is pretty messed up if your husband has to pay extra CS to account for the child she does not get CS for.  If she's so money hungry, why doesn't she try to collect CS from that father as well?

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  • imagenickelbabi:
    Your feelings are completely normal. However, it sounds like BM is BSC and just does this because she is jealous and knows it bothers DH and you. Aside from DH setting her straight when she makes nasty comments and establishing boundaries (i.e. I will never give you any extra money, so don't ask), there's not anything you can do about it. It sucks she won't let you pick up SS, but it is probably better for you if you don't have to see her or deal with her (although if DH put it in writing that you would be picking him up and she refused visitation, I think she would still be in contempt). I would not try to have any kind of relationship with her at this point.

    I agree 100% with this.  

    My situation is very similar to yours, Ladybug.  My DH gets calls asking for extra money from time to time, and we doubt that money is really helping SS, so we don't send extra.  The calls only happen when BM is mad/bothered by something else that's going on... like SS wanting to say hello to me on the phone.  You will never be able to change how BM handles her emotions about you.  So sorry you are having to deal with any of this!

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