What is the "normal" way to do this?
limpetfan
member
I'm asking about this because my husband and I honestly don't know if we're right or wrong on this one.
BM lives ~120 miles away from us (one way) and has physical custody, although they do have joint custody for decision-making purposes. DH tries to see SS as often as possible, which usually ends up being 3 weekends per month.
When there is such a huge distance between the biological parents, what is a normal set-up for pick up/drop off of the child? Right now my husband drives the whole way for both pick up and drop off, with the BM occasionally meeting him at a location ~20 miles closer for us (so 100 miles one-way instead of 120). Any time he brings up making a change to this arrangement so it's a little easier on him and his car, he gets shot down immediately. BM refuses to do more than the 20 miles she occasionally does right now.
Is this the way it works out for most people here? Or is DH right to push for something more half way between the 2 homes?
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
Re: What is the "normal" way to do this?
We are an hour and a half one way. We pick up when she has custody and when we have custody she picks up.
If we can agree which is almost never we meet in the middle.
What does your CO say?
There is no CO. There are just 2 sentences in the support order that state she has physical custody, and that both parties agree to joint legal custody. They never did legal stuff about visitation/drop off - pick up/holidays/etc.
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
He could always go pick her up and since no CO doesnt say he has to return her so she has to pick her up if she wants the child back. This might cause some problems, so I would look at possibly mediation its free and if you come to an agreement then the judge will sign off on it and if not you will have to get a lawyer.
Is there agreements on CS? Health coverage? Summer time?
My sister and her ex do this: when it is his time to have them de drives to get them. When it is her time to get them back she drives to pick them up.
I think changing the CO to say you have to meet half way or do like my sister does makes sense. It sounds like BM doesn't want to be put out to get them to your DH so he needs to make it real.
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
Personally, I think this is the way that makes the most sense and is the most fair.
Unfortunately, I don't think BM is going to do this unless a judge tells her she has to, and court is the #1 thing we've all been trying to avoid for the last 2 years. From what you all are saying, though, it's probably going to be unavoidable since this has been getting really bad lately.
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
No kidding!
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
Our process took about 2 years, its not over yet. Trial next month if we do not come to an agreement. I am not sure how old the child is, but if you are going to modify the court order I would be prepared for her to ask for more money, less time etc.
This is an extremely childish solution.
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
Wow, 2 years and it's not over yet? That's awful!
The primary reason we've been trying to work with BM and figure out what's reasonable is because we're nervous she'll try to demand more money in court. She's already asked DH for gas money if she meets him the 20 miles closer (he doesn't give it to her). It seems crazy to think the $1700 he gives her every month could be increased, but it also seems like things rarely go in DH's favor with all this no matter how much he tries to be a good father in the situation. So frustrating!
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
Who is really being childish? He should not have to drive 6 plus hours maybe if she knows how it feel she might lighten up. Maybe not but regardless it gets old when adults continue to play games such as she is. Also it does not state in the CO that he has to drive this far but it does state the time/schedule and if she wants the child back to her residence she should have to communte as well.
WOw $1700 a month I would be extremely angry to have to pay that much and do all the driving. In MO we have a form called form 14 which is used to calculate CS payments. You said he is not getting Summer parenting time, the 3 weekends a month that right there is 80 to 100 days for calculating percentage of overnight stays, they may not be calculating for health coverage. The Summer parenting time could be another 50 or so days, then they account for child care you provide during the time she is with you. Maybe your support would go down and he would get more time. I am not sure what type of relationship they have but mediation is free, if she asked for more money I dont know how $1700 could not pay for 1 child. I would definitely consult a lawyer. Also I see you are ttc and after having a child your CS could be modified as well.
Who moved away from whom? Sometimes the person who moved is expected to do most of the transportation.
The pickup/drop off details in my situation would take too long to explain. So for the sake of brevity--before DD was born, I met XMIL/XFIL (or occasionally XH) at a mutually agreeable location for exchanges. After she came along and decided to HATE the carseat, I started to put up some resistance. I agreed to meet at the previous location for EITHER pickup or drop off and asked that for the other exchange, they come to my home. XH agreed.
If he made an issue out of wanting to make things more equatable, I would give in. But until he does, I plan to avoid creating a situation in which I listen to my toddler whine, fuss, and scream for 5 hours in the car. It's the same car trip for DS either way--and he likes the extra time with XMIL/XFIL-- so it's more important for me to do what's better for my daughter than to accommodate XH. KWIM?
And XH just flies in and out. He sits back and lets his parents do all the transportation. He's maybe one time done any of the driving on his own. And if he's okay with making his parents come all the way to my house, then I'm okay digging my heels in a bit.
So I think that unless BM has some sort of trump card, your H should tell her that either she can compromise a bit, or he'll be asking a court to decide what's fair.
The way I've heard it work out is that if the father moves away he is responsible for all travel and costs. If the mother moves away sometimes she is responsible for all travel and costs but usually it gets split in half. Not fair, but that's how I've heard it.
In our case, living several states away, when DSD's BM moved to a bigger city it actually became cheaper for us because air flights were from one big international airport to another without connecting flights. If she were to move somewhere else that caused our flights to be more expensive I think we'd look into some kind of reimbursement but I doubt we'd get any. The system is always tougher on the dads.
If traveling is something that y'all will be dealing with for a many years then y'all should look into having some kind of visitation or CO drawn up. Even if this is the only thing y'all disagree on now, things can change pretty quickly.
Do y'all get extended summer visits or every other holiday?
What planet do you live on where mediation is free? I don't know anyone who has ever gone through mediation for free. It should involve legal counsel, which therefore involves $. You are an interesting one Agrant, I will give you that.
I was also going to say this but then like you said it could cause some problems and in turn she might refuse to let you pickup the child...unless there is a CO stating visitation?
there was no moving away from anyone. dh was never married to ss's mother. she lives where she lives and dh lives where he lives. it's one of the reasons their relationship did not work. he has always done ALL of the driving.
thanks for all the advice and suggestions, ladies!
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!
That is not the first time I have heard that Mediation is free. Some states do have free Mediation as a way to limit court cases, but of course 9 out of 10 times they still wind up in court.
That said, the mediation I went thru with DS's BF was $500. We did not have to have our attorneys present, she went over what the state guidelines were, met each of us individually, and then worked out a plan. He agreed to it, Mediator sent the formal agreement to the attorneys who filed it in court.
But I agree, you need a formal CO to protect his interest!
My H has to drive 5 hours one way, because BM wont meet half way. This results in H only being able to see his son on long weekends because to do every other weekend would mean that SS would spend the equivalent of a whole day in the car. We would do every other weekend if BM would let me pick him up (I am a SAHM, so its feasible for me) but she wont.
My ex lives 9 hours away. Our children are not old enough to fly IMO so we meet half way, again, he only sees them on long weekends and holidays.
Distance makes things really hard.
Wow, really! I feel like your stalking my post! Again sounds like you are responding to something you know nothing about.
Missouri is not a planet its a state as well as Kansas and both offer FREE MEDIATION for 2 hours after that it in the state of Missouri I believe the cost is $35 per hour after the 2 hours, although this could have changed. You and your XSO can meet in a room without lawyers, people who are not biased but are employees of the state. Their job is to mediate, to help you through the process and to come to an agreement. Once you have both agreed, they draw up the paper work as agreed and it is signed off by the judge making it a CO.
You will have to contact your county to see what alternatives you have available in your area.
OP doesn't live in MO or KA. She lives in NY. Which, from my research does not offer free mediation. Nor does my state. Not to mention, that putting two people who don't like each other and who are in the midst of a heated divorce/custody battle in a room to try to work things out without the guidance of a lawyer on their side to advise them of their rights seems like a great way for someone to lose those rights. I think mediation can be great for divorces or custody issues where there is little tension or hostility. But in many cases people are irrationally angry and really should have someone to represent their best interests.
And your right, I know nothing about divorce, custody, or mediation. Nothing. 100K+ in lawyer bills taught me nothing at all. I have learned nothing from living in a blended family for 7 years. Being on this board for the last four years, and talking with others in similar situations has taught me nothing. I mean CLEARLY MO and KA must = NY. They are like the same thing, right?