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May 2011 Moms
Holding my heart together (long)
This isn't the way I wanted to come back to the board but I need to write it out. This week has been more than a roller coaster. My son was born on Monday, I completely failed at a natural, non-traumatizing birth, he is on an oxygen tank and my dog was killed by a car today. He was my first baby, I was one of those people, and I'm trying to hold it together for my sweet baby boy.
I was over 41 weeks and having some contractions that would just never get regular or productive, only dilated to 2, so the docs decided to augment the labor I was having so as to avoid a full pit induction. I went in Sunday night at 8pm for the tiny pill. Within an hour my water broke and I was complete. I labored in the tub after my water broke and was practicing hypnobirthing. My husband was totally awesome the entire time. My body began pushing at that point and the nurse said I had to get out of the tub. I pushed for almost 3 hours then. I did try different positions (though I now regret maybe not trying more?) but I couldn't catch my breath if I did anything other than "squatting" (basically lying on the bed but tilted up with my feet on the hand grips). I knew something was wrong. She kept saying I was pushing great but it had been 3 hours and no progress. I was getting exhausted, it was something like 3am. The doctor came in and said he was both sunny side up and stuck on my pelvic bone. She could push him back up and turn him. I went "deep within" myself but still couldn't handle the pain. She said I needed help but she couldn't do anything unless I got pain control. So they gave me an emergency spinal, followed by pitocin, followed by a forcep delivery with a 3rd degree episiotomy/tear.
Shortly after they put him on my chest he started grunting. I didn't realize it wasn't normal until the NICU nurse (present b/c of the forceps) took him from me to check his lungs. She said he wasn't clearing the fluid so they took him to the transitional nursery. He couldn't keep up his O2 saturation so they admitted him to the NICU. He didn't fully pass his room air challenges and is still on oxygen. They say that apparently if he were born at sea level this wouldn't be an issue, but because we're in Denver and high altitude his slight "neurological lung immaturity" results in low O2 sats. They say its somewhat common here. I don't care, it breaks my heart and keeps me up at night.
So in addition to grieving about my failure about my "natural" birth, my baby is on oxygen and now I am mourning my dog. I feel like I'm not sure how much more I can take or how I can keep going for him. I know that many people especially with preemies would consider my son's minor breathing issue a blessing but I think I've just reached a breaking point.
Thank you for "listening", and good luck to all of you with newborns or who are about to deliver still. I think of all of you often, although I don't post much, I read often.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Holding my heart together (long)
I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted. That really sucks. I also hope your little man gets well soon. I think any mom doesn't want other moms to have babies with problems. Your LO is allowed sympathy as well as others.
I'm also really sorry about your dog. That's rough. I just hope you start going uphill from here. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
My heart goes out to you, the first week of Motherhood should be sleep deprived but for completely other reasons.
You didn't fail at anything,
there were just unexpected complications that you had absolutely no control over. You did your absolute best...
Child birth in itself is no easy accomplishment and you should be proud that you went as far as you possibly could. To be honest, If any doctor told me that they had to retrieve the child from my body the way your LO had to be.... I would have had a heart attack.
You are a definite trooper!
And as for your dog.... That is awful beyond words. I honestly believe that if you can't see your pets as babies than you shouldn't be a pet owner. I think they deserve to be loved just as much as a child. I am sorry for your loss.
I'll be hoping that things get easier for you and your LO very soon.
I am so sorry that things ended so traumatically for you and for the loss of your dog.
Hang in there - this too, shall pass.
DS 6.12.11
Hypermenorrhea, Anovulatory & Hypothyroid
TTC#2
My Lack of Ovulation Chart
As a preemie mom, there is nothing easy about your baby being on oxygen for any amount of time. I know how scary that is and hope your LO is off the supports quickly and comes home. Any amount of time in the NICU is scary.
I also know about mourning the birth you had hoped for. Try to focus on the fact that you made the best decisions you could for the health of your baby in the moment. Even if it didn't go as planned, you have a beautiful baby. Give yourself time to mourn, its hard to give up your plans for something this important.
And I'm so sorry about your dog.
::hugs::
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
11/2013- Diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis
07/2014- emergency surgery to remove hemorrhaging cyst first RE missed, removed endo from fallopian tubes, hsg done, d&c performed to remove polyphs in uterus, femvue done, put on dexamethasone and metformin
08/2014- miscarriage, second RE refuses to mark down in charts, switch again
03/2016- IUI #1, waiting for results on April 17
I'm so sorry. My first birth was a planned natural birth that ended in a c/s. It's OK to be upset over how the birth went. I'm sorry to hear your baby is in the NICU. I hope he gets better fast.
I'm also very sorry to hear about your dog. My favorite cat died the day after my daughter was born. It sucks to have to say good-bye to a pet when you have so much else going on.
Hang in there, these tough days will pass.
as a two time NICU mom, I want to tell you that your feelings are completely normal and OK. There is NOTHING "easy" about the NICU and it's a frustrating and rage inducing experience. You have a lot on your plate ... a lot to process in a short amount of time and it's OK to be angry, to cry, to not be happy at ALL.
I hope your baby has a short NICU stay and that you can forgive yourself. It sounds like you did everything "right" ... sometimes these things happen. You don't win a medal for a "perfect birth" and we put so many heavy expectations on ourselves that it's hard to remember that.