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Northern California Babies
AvaLikeLava
member
Yelling at your kid
AvaLikeLava
member
Ok, so I've been going through some self hate lately and I need a reality check... and maybe some help?
For the first 2 years or so of being a parent, I've been pretty proud of myself for not having yelled at my G. I did it once when he was 6w old and screaming non-stop and I immediately felt like crap. Because it wasn't his fault for having reflux and being in pain.
But as he's gotten older and testing boundaries (dear lord is he testing those boundaries), I'm finding myself and DH raising our voices to him. Just after the 3rd time of saying "No, don't swing the bat at the TV", the fourth time comes out as a yelling "No! Stop!"
And yes, we count, yes we do time-outs, yes I try other Love & Logic Magic techniques too. My question is not around disciplining my toddler. It's around ME. Yelling. At him. How do I nip MY behavior in the bud? It's just not something I want to continue doing or allow it to get worse. I don't continue yelling after my initial "Stop whatever you're doing" demand. I soften my voice and talk it over with him afterward, but I'm now here (when I didn't think I would be a year ago) and I'm worried it will get worse.
I come from a yelling family and hated watching my parents go at it. It was never constructive. I just don't want to become the person I saw in them, but I don't have the skill-set necessary to do something else. So instead I'm hating myself for having yelled at G.
Help me?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Yelling at your kid
Are you asking for ways to resolve the problem without yelling?
I don't think I have any advice on that...we do have to yell/raise our voice to make ourselves heard with our children. But afterwards we explain why...there are some days where my yelling doesn't come from them but from myself and I apologize to them or explain where I'm coming from. ie. I didn't sleep well last night so I'm cranky today and that makes me angry and I yell. I'm sorry and will try not to yell and I will go to bed earlier or take a nap etc to help my mood.
Other times it's something they did...ie, we didnt' want you to swing the bat by the tv because we're worried you might break it. If you break it, it means we won't have a tv to watch for a while or it'll cost us money to buy another one etc.
In my opinion, explaining your feelings/frustrations to your child helps for better communication. We're working with my DD right now on her explaining why she's upset/yelling/throwing tantrums, we're talking about moods and how things or people affect us and our feelings. And I feel us explaining why we are doing what we're doing will help her figure out what's going on with her at the moment. Sometimes with her we're doing less yelling because once something comes up we say we think you're acting this way because a) you're tired, b) you're hungry, etc. It's funny to hear her use our words and hear her say "You're not listening to me" when we clearly are not, or for her to say that DS is having a bad day when he's crying and tantrumy.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that with age I've yelled less with eldest because she can understand what I'm saying, why I'm saying it etc. I'm hoping that it comes faster with DS seeing how we resolve things in our household. I don't know how to advise you on stopping your yelling, but I know conflict resolution and talking things out has helped in our house. Good luck! I know it's rough when kids just aren't getting it just yet. In a way it does get better though I'm sure there will be new and other things to yell about that come up with age.
Ava, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. We have similar issues with C and I am also not a yeller, nor is DH, and we've still found ourselves raising our voices occassionally in this new awesome stage with DS. My instict is to stop the behavior immediately rather than continuing to talk to him. I don't do counting or *ETA: traditional* time outs. I don't like the idea that he can wait to do what I ask him to do (as in he has unti I get to three, which is bunk). He puts himself in occassional time out but I don't do it to him in the "two minute time out" fashion.
We try several things depending on our levels of frustration and the safety of the situation. If it's unsafe, one of us physically stops him from doing it if he fails to follow an order (ie step in and physically take the bat away from him). If it is "just" annoying, and one of us is about to lose our cool, we tag in or out and let the other parent take a turn enforcing our boundries/rules, which of course might totally not work for you given that the other parent is likely in charge of the other kid. Through it all we all three talk about taking deep breaths and calming down.
If it's not a safety thing, and the tag team approach doesn't work, we tell him that we are done trying and that he needs to stay in his room alone until he can do what we ask/cooperate/calm down. And then we walk away and close the door most of the way and we take deep breaths. He usually lasts two minutes tops in there alone and then he comes out and asks for help. The difference for us is that we aren't using it as punishment or as a timed restriction. It's about learning to control your body and your actions in a safe spot where you can't hurt me or treat me in a way that I don't like (which is about respect for self and others).
I refuse to live my life yelling at my child. He's in a tough spot right now testing out boundries and exerting his independence and my job is to put up some boundries for him, teach him the basics of how we go about our day, and how we treat people. He isn't going to learn yelling from me.
I come from a family of yellers, too, and it's something I have worked on every day of my life (even before having a kid) - it's hard.
The best thing that made the most difference is for me to say (either in my head or outloud) "This situation is making me very angry." Or "I am getting very frustrated with this behavior." Or whatever the emotion is that I feel bubbling up - sometimes the act of verbalizing it is enough.
Good luck!
This is my family exactly and I am also having trouble breaking the cycle and, unfortunately, it has gotten worse for me as M has gotten older and testing boundaries more and more frequently. Having two has also made it worse for me since my patience is stretched further. It is worse for me when I'm tired, hungry, or DH is out of town. The first two things I have some control over, the last not so much. I don't have any great advice. I've been reading a few discipline books so I have more strategies to fall back on.
With something like the bat swinging at the TV I warn once and let him know that if he does it again and the bat goes in the garage.
huge ditto. It sucks. Sometime I feel like Grey doesn't hear me unless I yell. It hurts my soul.
The Blog | BirthbyKellyM
I'm right there too.
I don't ever want to yell at him, but it often feels like he ignores me until I do raise my voice.
I'm working on taking a step back (as long as he's safe) and counting to 10.
If I can't walk away, we'll just take deep breaths together. I've found that this works even better than stepping away for a minute.
It's super hard. I don't want to be my mother.
I feel like at least me seeing this stuff is a big help. *hugs*
Ava, I'd love to talk to you about this more in person, because you know my situation and it's nothing I'd post about online.
Last night I was watching Super Nanny about a family with a dad who yelled and she taught him a coping mechanism that I thought was powerful: as parents, we cannot react emotionally. We need to assess situations and react to them, instead. So, with that in mind, she had the dad count to ten and relax when he felt himself about to yell, which helped him re-frame the situation as one he had to react to unemotionally. She said it takes practice to retrain yourself, so it's not an overnight change, but I thought it was interesting.
the secret blog
this exactly is my feeling. This morning Jay said "mommy youre not nice to me, you yell, could you please not yell at me anymore?" and it broke me and i was in tears. =(
Honestly, I think yelling is a natural human reaction to a lot of things. And I think if anyone tells you they never yell at their kid, they are lying.
That said, I yell and have yelled and it does tear me up, but sometimes that is the only way to get my point across. I always apologize after the situation has calmed down and I explain why I yelled. Does it make it any better? Maybe not, but sometimes when you are caught up in the moment, that is the only natural reaction that I have.
Ummm holy smokes M took the words right outta my mouth. I do yell...and I am ok with that...And I do talk about it afterwards with them.
However at times I yell and its not ok. So when I find I am leaning that way I fist pump. Like make a tight fist 3 times in a row and release and it reminds me and releases tension...lame I know but it helps me.
Also with things like asking for something the 3rd time...I am really workign on not doing that., We are telling her to listen the first time and if she doesnt she gets a consequence right away.(like in your example she would lose the bat no counting no 2nd time asking...) This has helped a lot.
I grew up in a house of yelling also So for me its super important that Tony and I do allow ourselves to have some of our fights in front f the kids so they learn how to do it properly adn that you can get mad at somebody and work it out and still love them
br
Ugh, ashleyhunney, I'm envious of you.
DH and I do not yell at each other. Prior to kids we actually had very few disagreements even. Our arguments now come from a place of frustration and feeling like one of us is not doing an equal share of the work-load as the other. However, we still don't yell at each other. I'm so, SO proud of myself for this, because there have been times when my instinct has been to yell and I've suppressed it. We've been able to have more constructive responses that way. Or sometimes I say nothing and I let DH vent. Because he needs to.
This is one of the reasons why I'm so upset that I haven't been able to suppress it with G. I suppose it's because I see it coming with S and not with G?
I get that I can apologize for yelling later. I will do that. I just worry that it's not enough. Because I'd do it again. And apologize again, and wonder if then apologizing means anything, since I clearly learned no lesson from it. KWIM?
And the thought of my kids calling me out on it, when they're old enough to verbalize it, breaks my heart too. I'd bawl too on that one.
tri_bride, you bring up a good point: I wonder if I do yell more when I have other stressors happening at the same time. I think I'm going to run an experiment and start a yell journal for a few months and see when I yell, why, what I say, and also write down what else is happening in my life at that time. Maybe I'll learn something from this?
Photo by Zemya Photography
This.
We also take things away a lot, like with the bat situation, after the 2nd time I asked him to stop swinging the bat at/near the TV, I'd take the bat away, put it up and not let him have it for some period of time. This only works for N if it's something she wants to have/use, otherwise she just moves on to something else and the point is lost on her. But other times it does work.
S and I haven't felt the need to go and hide anywhere in order to get out what we need to say. We've done it in front of the boys, and I feel good about that because we've resolved our issues, in front of them, in a way I would like to see THEM resolve their issues with others.
Photo by Zemya Photography
I agree with R, (I am doing that a lot lately I think
), but I think it is a natural reaction to raise your voice when you feel your not being heard. It doesn't make me feel any better about having to go there, and I feel terrible after, and I apologize... but it is so freaking hard.
I would say my bigger question and problem is how do I get him to listen without having to raise my voice? I don't know.
This is us but the other way around to some extent. I would not yell but badger DH(which he interpreted as yelling since it was a harsh tone) until HE got mad and then he would YELL so it was my badgering that triggered it. I learned to take a step back when I knew I was doing it and find another way to address the issue or another time, or maybe just "gasp" let it go, and that has helped us and it has helped me with DD. When I see DH with her, he says gently several times over, "Sweetheart, please sit down on the chair", "Elena please sit down", "It's not safe to stand, please sit now", and he never gets harsh or raises his voice and eventually, she does it. Now I try to do that too. Of course she's younger and if we have to move her or pick her up, we can still do that pretty easily, but I like the way he just repeats it over and over gently and she eventually does it. I wanted to give her time out once and he said not to and he got her to listen. It did take a lot of patience and persistence. and as I said she is not a three or four year old yet.
I want to add that when I do yell, or even find myself unreasonably short of patience - I try not to beat myself up about it. You have to vent every now and then - it is human nature to release stress.
don't judge yourself too harshly. you are, after all, only human.
This.
Especially as the four year old seems to be experiencing temporary hearing loss brought on by the word "no" or "don't do that" or "we need to go". I often feel like a sheep herder and my sheep don't speak my language.
This may be a little off track, since you've clearly laid out the sort of help you're looking for, but two things sort of jumped out at me as I was reading people's thoughts (I love what you wise, wise ladies have to say.)
In my house, growing up, there was some yelling, but there was also a fair bit of passive agressiveness and some manipulation. As an adult, I find the things that bother me most were the PA and the manipulation. The yelling, while perhaps upsetting, at least it always felt really *honest*. Obviously, these are distinctions I can make as an adult that might have been lost on me as a kid. But usually when people get to the point when they are yelling, they are expressing something they really, really feel, which is a kind of starting place. I'm not advocating yelling, just to be clear, but I'm saying, well, I'm not sure.
Maybe just to give yourself a bit of a break along the way.
Cupcake's Blog
Yea the kind of yelling T and I do in front of the kids I would be ok with them doing with each other....thats a grwat way of explaining it!
br
It is important to think about this and do what you would be okay with them doing later. DH's family does not argue. As in they brag that they've never had a fight in 40 years of marriage. But dude the passive aggressive crap is so thick it is stifling some times. DH also doesn't handle conflict well at all. He shuts down. He can't make himself heard because he both doesn't have practice at it and his upbringing told him that his POV wasn't important, nor was discussion.
My parents yelled and fought and there was such a lack of respect -- for self and others -- that I refuse to participate in that mode of communication. Sometimes yelling is more honest as pp mentioned, and I have done it. But I keep it rare and when it happens DS knows it is bad news. It usually makes him immediately burst into tears in fact.
Oh how I've fallen down this slope as well. And I wish I knew the answer.
With Josh, I remember having to raise my voice once with him. But with Jackpot, good Lord help me. Like Kelly, I feel like she doesn't hear me unless I yell.
I've been working on speaking normally to her when I want her to stop doing something or whatever. She doesn't respond, just continues. Then my voice gets louder. Still she doesn't respond. Finally I'm yelling at her and THEN she finally stops. Of course the look on her face as her huge, brown eyes start to well completely tears me apart.
I come from a family of yellers/screamers too. And I know it is something I DON'T want to do, but it is just so hard.
Well the "ideal" is non violent communication. Not that i always can do it but I have read a bit on it and it is supposedly useful even for young children but especially for marriage fights. DH and I also occasionally yell at each other, but not too often, in fact very infrequently. And yes, he can be passive agressive and yes I sometimes sweep things under the carpet because I don't care that much, but we try. I am really trying it with Elena.Here is the bible
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034 I have it but I have not gotten through it yet.
I read this https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Children-Compassionately-RCC-Communication/dp/1892005093/ref=pd_sim_b_3
it is very brief like a pamphlet more. But it hast the main ideas and examples and such. He even says he can't do it all the time which makes it much more believable.
I'm sure it won't work all the time but it may be helpful. As I keep saying, I don't have to yell yet because I can scoop her up and carry her out of the house, etc.
Chedder - have you had her hearing checked? My sister grew up with adults making the same complaints and turns out she has a processing disorder. Now she has hearing aids and the problem is solved. Without them, she hears background noise louder than direct conversation. Not saying that is the issue, but it's a simple test and worth looking in to.
Ava - I just read an article in the new Yoga Journal where the mom keeps a log of when she looses her temper with her child. In addition to apologizing and having a conversation, she says the log is helping her lower the frequency of the outbursts. Can't hurt, right?