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September 2011 Moms
SpaceGirlSpiff
member
And it begins.. Baby Shower... Slight Vent. (Very Long, sorry)
SpaceGirlSpiff
member
Hello all
So nothing has really been in the works for any sort of baby shower or get-together for me up until recently...My mom mentioned to me on the phone that she would like to start emailing with my MIL (my MIL and DHs family all live here with us in So. CA, my mom is in Reno)-- to start working out the plans of just one big family get together ... so sounds like this would be a co-ed, friends and family, reception-type feel to it rather than a traditional all-girl baby shower with the usual games, etc.
I actually prefer it that way... I don't personally get all into the games and girl talk stuff anyway, so just a nice lunch and get together with friends and family sounds like a great idea to me, and I'm very appreciative they want to put something together.... but I also realize, that means this would be a pretty big party if done this way, considering it would be both families and friends (though I doubt EVERYone would show, so who knows)
So just a brief background to why I started feeling nervous about this -- My Mom and MIL have very conflicting personalities... my Mom is more the controller and likes to take charge, has one of those more aggressive/slightly competitive personalities, but is overall a good person who means well.... and my MIL is sensitive and very often will take things way too personally and sometimes even holds ridiculous grudges over things that aren't really that big of a deal, but is also a very nice person and usually keeps her frustration out of the limelight or bottled up (though she's not always good at hiding little hints here and there), and plays nice in public and tries her best to be a pleaser.
At my wedding, there was a bit of drama because my MIL was hurt that she felt like she had no real part in helping on the wedding day and my mom was "overtaking" everything, etc. I don't disagree that my Mom can be obnoxious in this way once in a while, and there are times I tell her to relax and backoff...but at the same time, I know she means well and is just trying to be an advocate for me/my wishes, felt like she wanted to be the hostess since she didn't get to be here in the same state while I planned, and really alot of the stuff she does isn't even meant to be offensive or anything, she just has a stronger personality sometimes and it might come across a certain way to people that don't know her as well like I or our family do.
But ultimately... I love both my Mom and MIL and it stresses me out when I have to hear from DH that his Mom is feeling all upset about something my Mom is doing, because she never just comes to ME about it, I'm always hearing about this AFTER the fact and just makes things so awkward. It made me feel bad on our wedding day, and now it's starting to make me feel bad when it comes to planning this shower.
Apparently my Mom sent an email to my MIL that "came across" as wanting to "control and overtake" everything and so, knowing my MIL, I have a feeling she's now stewing these hurt feelings and talking about it behind mine and my Moms back to my DH and FIL, and H just relays it to me later. And I just get frustrated and just want to yell out -- "WTF am I supposed to do? I haven't seen this email, and MOST LIKELY your Mom is taking 95+% in the wrong way anyway, she's very sensitive to begin with, and is on a regular basis with various people... tell her to talk to me about it, and I can clarify what she may have meant, or if my Mom really is overstepping, I can talk to her!"
But this complaining about it to my DH and then having to hear about the complaints later only stresses me out and I just see this turning into a big huge disaster and not even fun anymore.
It's making me feel already like I don't even want to bother having any sort of shower or get together at all... not if it's going to cause hurt feelings, resentment or ridiculous drama....and they JUST NOW started planning this and there's already drama starting... that just does not bode well.
From the little my DH told me about what the email said, all it really was doing was listing out what my Mom knows my preferences are, based on how she knows me.... basically, that since it will be a large party we should try to find some kind of hall to rent because there isn't really a big enough house to accomodate that around here (so my MIL is getting all worked up about how expensive that is -- not stopping to think that I'm sure my Mom means she would glady chip in pretty heavily for it...though sadly, my MIL thinks EVERYTHING is "too expensive"...like I'm even talking if a purse is $10, that's expensive... so it doesnt matter).... and second, that I wanted to make sure that I could be included in what the details of the party are (just the time, place, etc), so I can make sure to compile a list of the people on my side and make sure they get an invitation (including family that's out of town, even if they don't come, just so they can feel included at least)....basically that I didn't want a surprise shower. (the small bridal shower my MIL threw was a complete surprise, which turned out nice, but of course I didn't even get a chance to dress nice! LOL).... but this is a little different I feel, because it is important that my family is more involved if we're going to do this kind of event and she'll need all the contact info, etc.
But anyway, I'm not really seeing the big drama in the email based on the description so far, maybe my Mom worded things in a bad way? I don't know...but WTF can I do without seeing it myself.
I'm just already so over this. And God knows what kind of resentful competition is going to start up between these two once the LO is here .....
...OMG, if you got through all that, you deserve a big cookie...just had to let it all out because I don't feel like I can outloud without just causing more drama. Thanks so much and I hope I didn't ramble too much....
/Vent
This discussion has been closed.
Re: And it begins.. Baby Shower... Slight Vent. (Very Long, sorry)
I totally understand. My mom took over my wedding. I gave up. She ended up picking out all sorts of things that I wanted to do. I had no say in half of my wedding. People would say "ohhh how could you let her?" I finally realized that I had no stressing to do, just worry about my dress and put my foot down about my guests. The rest, she worried about and stressed about lol
The difference here is you are being expected to be a mediator at a time you should be spoiled. They suck if they can't get it together and suck up their feelings to make it work without stressing you. Can DH deal with it for you? Like maybe to the point of even not being allowed to involve you in their petty disagreements?
When do I get a cookie?
Hang in there, I am sure it's aggravating as can be and there's not really a right solution. I am sure my way is wrong, I just felt you needed someone to be listening
All the people who add stress to my universe, I've stopped talking to but I am a bit crazy haha
Thanks all - I appreciate the input and you're all right of course, I certainly do not want to be in the middle of this. It's just I know how my MIL is and I know she wont bother confronting my Mom directly on any dissagreement because she wont want to cause an actual confrontation .... she'll play nice, and my mom will have no idea that she feels this way and will continue to do what she does.... unless I step in and talk with my Mom.
But the drama comes from when I have to hear about her being secretly resentful or upset about something and then I get to feel bad about it. So it's not necessarily a fight between mothers, because usually my mom isnt really in the know about her offense, but rather, the drama comes from my stressing out when I hear about this or notice the "hints of resentment" my MIL puts off.... and it makes the situation feel awkward. Her and I are very different too ... that could be why -- I am very much NOT a sensitive person and it's easy for me to let things roll off my shoulders.... so maybe it's hard for me to understand the "travesty" in some of the things she finds offensive.
Luckily, both my DH and FIL see things pretty rationally on a regular basis, and I'm sure if she were going to make a bigger deal about it, they would step in and tell her to calm down and not get so worked up...it's not like they'd all gain up on me or something.
I just hate the awkwardness.
Also, I talked to my H more about it today and suggested that maybe this would be solved if they did two separate showers they could each plan how they want, one for my family and one for H's --- That way, there's no need to rent a hall so that takes care of that (the expense, having to find it, etc)... and no having to coordinate between mothers. They'd both just be small casual get togethers, focused within that part of the family, rather than trying to mash everyone together....
HA -- I'll get one out via FedEx right away!