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Blended Families
BF decded not see DD anymore... help?
DD is 7 and such an amazing kid! She adjusts so well to new situations and people and truely LOVES everyone she has in her life.
When DD was 1 I left BF (verbal abuse became physical) and moved back in with my mom (I was still in college and just 21). She had regular visitation with him until her joined the Army Reserves. When he was done with basic training, he moved about 2 hours away and would see her once a month by coming out to where we live (the city we lived in the entire time we were together) and would stay with friends and visit with her. We went to court for CS which was an amount we agreed on and it was direct pay to me since at the time I thought there was no reason for him not pay. We got custody set so that I have full physical and we share legal but he has open visitation.
As DD got older, BF would sometimes take her for the weekend. Many times I would bring her out to see him and stay at his mother's or get a hotel room. I thought it was important to make every effort to facilitate their relationship. When she got old enough not to need me for the overnight, I would meet BF at a halfway spot for drop off and then again for pick up at the end of his visit.
When DD was 4 I met my DH - we married last year and she has been calling him "dad" for a year and a half. This made BF angry - the fact I had someone else in my life, not necessarily the fact that DD had another male figure helping to raise her. BF has a tumultuous relationship with his fiance/GF with whom he has another child.
There have been on-going CS issues since I got together. Basically the long and short of it is that he "won't spend hard earned money on DD when 'he' may have to go without" (BF's exact words). In the middle of this CS battle, I get a text msg, "I made a decision to sign off rights to DD and I'm not changing my mind.I'm not hiring a lawyer for CS I'm telling judge I'm signing off so don't call me or ask me to see her. I'm done. ". I didn't respond but brought it up my lawyer a few days later. he advised me the judge won't allow that since DH isn't able to adopt DD right now. I sent BF a message advising what lawyer said and told him I'm not going to keep her from you. He responded, "I don't want anything with DD, I said that. I told you I'm done permenantly. You can tell her anything you want. I'm happy without her." I told him not change his mind later because I won't have him playing in and out games and reminded him that no matter what he would have to pay support. His response was, "Are you that stupid? I already told you that so don't ask anything from me, don't contact me." I told him fine I would see him in court in a few weeks.
How do I let DD know what's going on? BF hasn't seen or talked to her since her birthday party April 2nd. She doesn't like to talk about BF with me. I'm taking her to a counselor but she doesn't want to talk to him about BF either. What do I do?
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Re: BF decded not see DD anymore... help?
Have you talked to her counselor? S/he will probably be able to steer you in the right direction.
Obviously you don't want to tell her about these texts! It's bad enough you have to see those words in print!
How often did BF see DD? Is she already noticing his absence? Is she asking questions?
My first step would be to have a private meeting with the counselor!
I think I'd keep taking her to counseling, and otherwise just play it by ear. I wouldn't tell her anything unless she asks, and then just that her biological father is very busy taking care of some things, and that he loves her.
You can't make him see her, so I think you and your H just need to provide all of the love and stability you possibly can.
I also wouldn't worry about whether he'll come back into her life later on. Maybe he will, and maybe he won't. If he does, she can always decide whether she wants to see him.
Unfortunately for your d-bag ex, he can't just give up his rights. He's still responsible for CS until your DD reaches the age of majority or is adopted. I'd hold him responsible for every dime he accrues until your H adopts your little girl.
I would ask the counselor as Banana said.
I'd let the BF know that a verbal denial of his child is not enough. To expect legal paperwork as soon as you can legally do it so that you can make it official. Let him know that if he refuses to sign legal paper work when the time comes you will be going after CS and back CS until it's done. That will motivate him to sign it.
I'm sad for you daughter, but personally, I'd be glad that at least this a$$hole is out of your lives.
Luckily DD has an awesome relationship with my DH - he treats her like she's his. They play outside, go to the park, snuggle in the recliner, he goes to all her sporting events, helps get her to school, etc.
She was seeing BF every 6-8 weeks with phone calls every 1-3 weeks in between. She hasn't asked questions or directly seemd to notice the extended amount of time that's passed but she did have a crying jag the other day because she misses him.
I did talk it ovewr with the counselor and he suggested waiting to see how court goes next week. It makes me sad because my own BF was never in my life. 4 years ago I found my half sisters online and discovered not only was he in their lives, he had raised them and even fought for custody of them. While he is an unbelieveable jerk and someone I was definitely better off NOT having in my life, I still find myself feeling rejected and sad that for whatever reason, I was the only child he didn't want. I don't want DD to have the same feelings when she grows up.
I'm sorry that your ex feels the need to put your (and his) child through this. Keep after him for CS until you have legal documentation of his parental rights being terminated.
Keep your DD in counseling. It can take awhile to build up a rapport and a trust relationship where she feels safe sharing how she feels about BF.
As for what to tell her I'd ask the counselor for guidance. My SDs counselor said that it's always best to tell kids the truth, but an age appropriate version of the truth, and with selective details. For example, when DH's parents had their dog put down, we told SD that the dog went to sleep and didn't wake up. We didn't want her to think they had "killed" the dog and felt she was too young to understand that she had cancer and couldn't walk anymore....etc... Obviously, a much different situation, but hope it helps anyway.
Is he still in the military? Because the Army values are Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage...I bet his chain of command would love to hear just how many he is violating right now. If he tries to dodge paying CS you can have someone contact his commander. They take that stuff pretty seriously and will garnish his drill check, no problem.
I am so sorry he is doing this to your DD. I have many words to describe him, and none of them are fit to post online. Please do get your DD to a counceler. The judge is not likely to look kindly on a man who would put his daughter through this just to make life easier for himself.
Are you generally happy with the therapist or is it time to see a new one? Does your DD see the therapist alone at all? If not I would let her have privacy. And I agree that it would be bad if he keeps coming and going, the best case is that he realizes he was wrong and totally changes and one day he is a Dad to her but if not you have to protect her. When you go to court I would have something written in so that if he changes his mind it is at your discretion, and then you will need to be the bigger person and allow it but you can supervise it and limit it until you feel it is consistent enough to not hurt her. Good luck, and be aware that even if things are fine now that she might have issues with this years from now.
He can sign off his rights to your daughter but this does not disregard him from his financial obligation of your child.
I dont know a nicer way to say this, I just feel like these situations would happen to different people. My H BM is terrible, he has stuck around after being crapped on driving 10 hours a day when she took off out of town, not ansering his phone calls for months, having his D call him crying because of what BM says and her lies etc. I just wish she had a POS like this as her BF. Of course its the child who loses in a situation like this but I am sure your DH is a better role model and she is better off.
This is not the case in all states. In many, there must be another person willing to adopt the child. OP mentioned that her H is not eligible to do so yet, so therefore it is not possible for the BF to give up his rights at this time.
It's good that she has a positive male role model and she sees him as "dad"... Sorry I wish I can give advice, but I've never had this experience so I'm not sure what to say but to point out the positive.
Good luck!
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