- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Attachment Parenting
NAPR: talk to me about marriage counseling
There has been alot of tension between DH and I since DD was born. We have a lot of fights, and there are alot of unresolved issues. We definitely still love each other and aren't talking about getting divorced, and I do't think either of us want that anyway.
I thought marriage counseling may help us. I've never been on any type of counseling before, so I'm not quite sure how it works, or if it's the right thing for us.
When I've brought it up to DH, he's been against it. We had anothe fight this morning and I brought counseling up again. DH made the comment that counseling is for couples who are at the end and have no other recourse and use it as an excuse to get divorced... as in "well, we tried counseling, but we just can't work it out". I understand his thought process, all of the couples that we know that have gone to counseling (4 couples) are now divorced.
At the end he said agreed to it, but in a "fine, whatever" kind of way.
I'd appreciate any comments, or thoughts, or information, or anything that you think might help.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NAPR: talk to me about marriage counseling
We did 6 sessions that we got free through DH's work. It is definitely not just for couples as a last resort. in fact, for us I'd say it was a first step. Neither of us knew HOW to improve our marriage, just that we wanted to. She simply gave us ground for talking. We would go in there and approach topics both upsetting to us and she would say to DH "Do you hear what she is saying?" and he'd come back with some rude comment and she would explain how he is misinterpreting what I'm saying. Then she'd come back at me with better ways of saying things. And then we'd flip, he'd talk I'd listen. It really helped us with more direct communication. It also gave us neutral territory to get out everything. She'd help us form plans and give tips in areas of compromise. We had a lot of issues with compromising. If he asked something of me and I didn't want to, I'd refuse. Such as him going out on Saturday. I'd refuse because it's our only family day together. So instead of saying that he could go out friday night so we could spend saturday as a family, i'd just tell him no and that would be the start of a huge fight.
DH feels the same way about counseling (that it's a last-ditch effort) since, like you, every single couple we know who has gone to counseling has ended up divorced. It's sad that I don't know anyone IRL for whom marriage counseling made a huge positive difference.
I ended up going to see a therapist on my own starting last year and it has really helped me work through a lot of my own issues that were bringing us down as a couple. I've learned to manage my own emotions and frustrations better and to better articulate my wants and needs, thus leading to less fights. I feel much less overwhelmed by this whole motherhood thing, but part of that was also making significant steps to speak up about needing more help. I've gotten more babysitting hours, enrolled DD in preschool, and learned to tell DH when I really need me time either to destress or get my own work done (instead of feeling like I have to drop everything to hang out with him if he happens to come home from work early unexpectedly).
My biggest issue now is that I still wish DH had a more family-friendly work schedule, but making the changes I outlined above has really helped me to deal with his erratic hours and feel less bitter & resentful about how much of the parenting burden seems to fall on me. I think a small part of the improvement between us might also be the fact that DD is more independent now, so I feel comfortable sending her off to school and leaving her with babysitters. I'm not sure how many of the tactics above I could have realistically implemented when DD was much younger.
Also, since I'm not nursing or wearing DD constantly anymore, I'm not "touched out" by the time DH comes home at night. There was a long time during which I was just too physically and emotionally spent after a whole day with DD to have anything left over for DH and that really caused a strain on our marriage. I think this is the biggest reason he is hesitant to entertain the idea of TTC a second child now that I feel like I'm ready. I feel like I have a much better perspective on everything now after months of therapy and can handle a second child, but obviously can't guarantee how I'll feel if I'm sleep-deprived and physically attached to a small baby 24 hours/day. I do know, however, that I would be asking for help MUCH earlier on and would put less pressure on myself to be the "perfect mother." I think therapy has helped me reach that point.
First of all, I want to wish you luck as you guys work through your marriage. It must be scary but I am very glad to hear you love each other and want to make it work.
I have not been in this situation but I know several friends who have and this is my observation. Those that see it as a last ditch effort and wait to seek help because of their last ditch idea, are often the ones that don't make it. The couples I have seen make it (I have two friends who did make it) started with couseling much sooner. They saw it as a tool to help their relationship, not a last ditch effort to salvage it. It sounds like your DH needs to attempt to readjust his view (not a knock on him at all) to be one of "I want this marriage to work and I am willing to do anything to save it before it is too far gone." Rather than "We aren't so far gone that we need a last ditch effort. If it ever gets that bad, we can do counseling." I might try to talk to him about it that way. It sounds like you guys feel the same, it needs some fixing now, so making every effort is a great thing to do now.
My bff is going through a divorce and I honestly think they would have made it if she had been willing to do counseling much earlier. Instead, she waited and became bitter and angry and then unwilling to do the work it would have taken to fix things. Hopefully her experience can help others decide to seek help as early as possible.
Best of luck!!!
DH and I are in counseling right now. It's not a last-ditch approach, it's a way for us to get an unbiased view on our relationship. I love going, and my DH is really starting to enjoy it. I can definitely tell that it has made a difference in our relationship. We fight less, and when we do fight, it's much calmer and we can come to an agreement by the end of the argument.
I really like the different view on issues that seem so black and white to us. They often suggest ideas that we never would have thought of.
I think it's a great tool, and you should definitely go for it if you feel it would help. GL!
M/C Dec 2010 - 5w5d Missing my sweet angel baby.