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WWYD?

butterflygroovesbutterflygrooves member
in LGBT Parenting

A has been asking to change her last name to be the same as mine, she has my maiden name but wants to hyphenate it to add J's last name too.  This has been in discussion for 2 years, it's not something she has let go of.

This morning she was very upset when we discussed it (she brought it up) and cried saying that she wanted to have the same name as the rest of us.  J kept her maiden name only, Iz (will) and I have the hyphenated name and A has my maiden name.  I explained to her that we will have to talk to a judge and possibly her father about changing her name, she still wants to do it.

I am not against changing her name but I want her to be sure that it's what she really wants.  Two years of reminders and seeing her get upset feels like enough time to me but I'm still not 100% sure that at 7 years old she understands what she is choosing and how it may affect her father, not that he is my priority. Stick out tongue

What would you do in this situation?  Am I thinking about this too much?

Two Mommies Healing Hearts

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Re: WWYD?

  • mandykatiemandykatie
    I think it could be incredibly empowering for her and great for family unity.  Go for it (if you're comfortable)!
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  • msjcordovamsjcordova member

    imagemandykatie:
    I think it could be incredibly empowering for her and great for family unity.  Go for it (if you're comfortable)!

    This! 

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  • Two*TrueTwo*True member
    Maybe I'm missing something -  if she has your maiden name, how will this impact her father? Because she is choosing J's name over his?  If she were asking to get rid of his name then I would understand, but just adding J's name makes her more of the family unit with you and Iz.  It's probably more important to her now that Iz gets to have it and she doesn't - if that makes sense.
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  • 2moms2twins2moms2twins
    imagemsjcordova:

    imagemandykatie:
    I think it could be incredibly empowering for her and great for family unity.  Go for it (if you're comfortable)!

    This! 

     

    THIS AND THIS!!!

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  • 2moms2twins2moms2twins

    imageTwo*True:
    Maybe I'm missing something -  if she has your maiden name, how will this impact her father? Because she is choosing J's name over his?  If she were asking to get rid of his name then I would understand, but just adding J's name makes her more of the family unit with you and Iz.  It's probably more important to her now that Iz gets to have it and she doesn't - if that makes sense.

    I read your post twice Butterfly  because I was also confused by how it would impact him... but I agree with Two on this as well!

     

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  • butterflygroovesbutterflygrooves member

    imageTwo*True:
    Maybe I'm missing something -  if she has your maiden name, how will this impact her father? Because she is choosing J's name over his?  If she were asking to get rid of his name then I would understand, but just adding J's name makes her more of the family unit with you and Iz.  It's probably more important to her now that Iz gets to have it and she doesn't - if that makes sense.

    Bolded above is exactly what I'm thinking.  I have the choice to either ask him to agree to the name change or serve him with a copy of the paperwork 30 days before the court date.  I don't think he will agree to the change and will probably show up in court to contest.

    Two Mommies Healing Hearts

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  • thiswillbethiswillbe

    Ditto Two.

    Also, it seems a little unfair to deny her at least attempting to change it (the potential issue with her father notwithstanding), given that she'd be the odd-family-member-out if not given the chance. And if she decides later that it was a terrible mistake, she can go through the process again and change it back.

    Maybe J should go along with A and take the plunge herself! Wink

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  • nevr2amazinnevr2amazin
    I agree with what everyone wrote...HOWEVER, I advise to speak to her father first. Explain to him the importance and how strongly A feels about it. He may be a *jack...* about things, but hopefully through it all he will hear A's voice. A huge fight between Mom and dad based on something "I" did is traumatic. If her father has half a heart, he may grumble, but probably not show up to the court house.
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  • KershnicKershnic member
    As much as I think it would be great for you guys as a family, I do think you are correct in thinking that A doesn't fully understand what she's asking to do, and that her father's feelings may be hurt.  Even though none of the names are his name, it's still a powerful cementing of her relationship to J.  While A's reality involves three parents, a lot of adults have a very difficult time with the idea of more than two primary parents for a child.  A new significant other taking a parent role symbolically takes away from the role of the non-primary-custodial parent.  If I were you I think I would have a conversation about it with him and try to explain A's desire and how Iz's presence changes thins and give him some time to think about it and to talk to A about it himself.  I think things rarely go well when controversial emotional topics are introduced in court papers.  And A is the one who is most likely to feel hurt and caught in the middle.
    TTC with PCOS since July 2011.
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  • seattlekariseattlekari

    Ditto never2amazin and kershnic's comments. I think any changes like this deserve a conversation first. I've learned the hard way with E's dad that change, no matter how large or small, is always best talked about first. And as they said, you don't want A to get stuck in the middle. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

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  • jeannkerricotober09jeannkerricotober09 member
    imagethiswillbe:

    Ditto Two.

    Also, it seems a little unfair to deny her at least attempting to change it (the potential issue with her father notwithstanding), given that she'd be the odd-family-member-out if not given the chance. And if she decides later that it was a terrible mistake, she can go through the process again and change it back.

    Maybe J should go along with A and take the plunge herself! Wink

    This. Both of them.  But, having read the above 2 comments, I have to acknowledge I don't have an ex husband and am not at all familiar with anything to do with custody issues.  Do you think it might be appropriate for you to sit down and talk to him?  I would hope that he could recognize that A is going through a lot, with the addition of a sibling and losing your full attention and so this (Iz and you having the same last name) might cause bigger resentment in her towards Iz in the future.

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  • butterflygroovesbutterflygrooves member
    imagejeannkerricotober09:
    imagethiswillbe:

    Ditto Two.

    Also, it seems a little unfair to deny her at least attempting to change it (the potential issue with her father notwithstanding), given that she'd be the odd-family-member-out if not given the chance. And if she decides later that it was a terrible mistake, she can go through the process again and change it back.

    Maybe J should go along with A and take the plunge herself! Wink

    This. Both of them.  But, having read the above 2 comments, I have to acknowledge I don't have an ex husband and am not at all familiar with anything to do with custody issues.  Do you think it might be appropriate for you to sit down and talk to him?  I would hope that he could recognize that A is going through a lot, with the addition of a sibling and losing your full attention and so this (Iz and you having the same last name) might cause bigger resentment in her towards Iz in the future.

    I don't know if sitting down with him would be an option but a phone call definitely would.  I asked A last night what she would say if he asked if she wanted to add his last name also, she was unsure so I told her to think about it and get back to me before we move forward.

    Two Mommies Healing Hearts

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  • Xmen mommyXmen mommy

    **Sorry I was lurking, thought I would add  my 2 cents**

    I've been through this. My first relationship did not work out and when my 1st son was very little I got together with my DH. We were married and have since had more children together. DH, other 2 children and myself all have a hyphenated name. My 1st son was left out, we didn't want him to feel out of place or that he was any less part of this family by having a different last name. We went to court, his father contested. We approached the subject from our sons perspective, his father approached the subject from a possesive perspective. In the end the judge told his father that he is a child and not a belonging or a trophy. A name is a name and if it will make the child feel more comfortable it would be in the best interest to have the name changed. In the end, we all now have the same last name. It has not changed the relationship he has with his father! Hope that helped!

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