Deployed DH is a Mess. Advice Please. — The Bump
Military Families

Deployed DH is a Mess. Advice Please.

My DH is having a tough time with this deployment.  He is an absolute mess. I assume it is mainly because this is the first deployment that we have a baby. It is beyond a funk. He's on a ship with alot of time to think and think. And no he won't go get help, he is worried about it going in his service record and being on meds would conflict with his actual job.

He told me today I should just leave him... which is beyond silly. I feel so helpless all I can do is reassure him and I know I need to really focus on me and the baby since I am having a hard time myself. He has no idea of me having a hard time. When I talk to him or e-mail him I keep it light, I know the drill and I don't burden him with home issues especially while on deployment. 

I was hoping there were some ideas I could recommend to help him. Reading materials...anything?

 TIA

 

 

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Re: Deployed DH is a Mess. Advice Please.

  • I understand what you mean. On the ship the guys do have  a lot of time to think. I mean they are stuck on a friggin boat and surrounded by water. I think he needs to (on his free time of course) hang with the guys and play cards or something. It would really help him out. He should talk to his commanding officer, or whoever is above him and let them know whats going on. It seems like he is going thru some sort of depression. Maybe if you can, send him some reading materials, pictures etc. Just reassure him that everything is great. he may also feel like he is missing out on some 'firsts' so maybe invest in a videocamera and make videos of your baby doing fun stuff and send them to him via email or put it up privately on youtube. =)

     

    I hope I helped a little 

  • another thing. just cause he talks to someone doesnt mean he'll get put on meds or it going in his perm record. they can give advice on how to deal with a 1st deployment away from wife and baby. im sure TONS of them have gone thru exactly what hes feeling
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  • Militaryonesource.com offers free counselling and they will not report anything to your husband's command unless he is threatening harm to himself or others.
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  • My husband is also on a boat and just deployed a few weeks ago.  Like you, it is our first deployment with kids.  And like you, my husband is more bummed out.

    I have been trying very hard to tell him lots of stories about the kids, to send lots of pictures, and to make sure he knows that while we are okay, he is very very missed.  For father's day I am sending him a Shutterfly book that I slaved over.  For my DD's 2nd birthday in July I am sending him the cake in a jar with a "2" candle to blow out.  I am taking video of the kids and burning DVDs for him.

    My husband is an aviator and has been flying more than average to help the time go buy.  If someone is sick or has something come up - he always volunteers to fly if it works with his schedule.  A flight for him gets him off the ship and focused on something more than just the haze gray and underway of ship life.  Encourage your husband to get involved with things around the ship, volunteer for things..  put himself out there to meet people outside his immediate circle.

    Also, there is mental health and chaplains aboard.  If he is really depressed (and it sounds like he is if he is saying things like "leave me") then he should be seeking help.  Your marriage comes before any fit rep or reputation he might have.  And honestly, any superior who would hold counseling against someone makes me want to vomit.

    Hang in there!!  How long has he been gone?  For my husband and me the first few weeks and last two weeks are always the hardest.  We are finally beyond the 2 week mark and I'm hoping that things start speeding up a bit :).  I am trying to pack my summer and fall with fun things, family, friends, travel, etc. 

    Just keep supporting him, tell him you love him, encourage him to get counseling, and I hope it works out for you.

    Married 6/28/03

    Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10

    4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014

    *~*~*~*~*

    No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.

    "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens

     

  • He can speak with a chaplain anonymously, as long as he is not a danger to himself or others it won't go any further than the chaplain.  If you're truly worried about his safety you can make an attempt to contact the rear detachment for his unit and voice your concerns.

    You should also contact Military One Source as a PP mentioned and talk with someone for your own benefit; this can take a toll on you as well.

    I wish you both the best of luck.

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  • imageSgt M's Wife:

    He can speak with a chaplain anonymously, as long as he is not a danger to himself or others it won't go any further than the chaplain.  If you're truly worried about his safety you can make an attempt to contact the rear detachment for his unit and voice your concerns.

    You should also contact Military One Source as a PP mentioned and talk with someone for your own benefit; this can take a toll on you as well.

    I wish you both the best of luck.

    My thoughts exactly.  Speaking with a Chaplain will not go on his record.  The Chaplain can give him some advice and point him in a direction that can help him.  They can also suggest some ways to occupy his time.  Staying busy will help the time go by faster. 

    Like SMW said, you should really contact Military One Source for your self.  Don't suffer through this alone.  There are resources out there. 

     

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  • Thanks for the tips and advice. He mentioned seeing the chaplain a few weeks ago. After I posted I found that military one source has online chat counseling which maybe he can use. I myself am going to see my doctor and get on some meds if I can. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed before but now with this I am more stressed. To a PP, he is halfway thru. Only 3 months to go! Sometimes I think sending him pics and video makes him feel worse. Maybe that is silly, but it could make sense. Tho I still send all I can.
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  • rt4lifert4life member

    everyone is right. his best bet is to speak with a chaplain. they are like sworn to not tell anyone about anything a soldier tells them. Even if its bad...which is kind of scary when you think about it....but it helps.

     

    I'm deployed now. and its really hard being away from my husband and my daughter, and I get down sometimes you know seeing pictures of them, and just knowing that my family is functioning without me. it sounds crazy...but it does make you feel some kind of way on the inside.

    Just keep doing what you're doing let him know you love and miss him...let him know you think about him daily.

     As far as you having a hard time...just keep in contact with the FRG and find something to keep your mind busy and off the stresses of your husband being gone. Take up a hobby or get a good book.

     Also...just surprise him and send him something really cool one day. There is a website i think called snapfish or something close, you can make a collage of pictures and have it put on a poster. Put lots of pictures of your family on it. so he can look at it and smile...:)

     

    If you knew better, you'd do better.
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