Making the decision to stay home - Was it easy?

awollenweber · May 2011

Did you automatically know that you wanted to stay at home after having your 1^st child? Did the decision come naturally to you or was it a struggle? I feel like I?m battling between being ?sensible? or ?emotional?. This is our 1^st child (I?m 34 wks) and I?m really struggling with what to do after the baby is born. My husband and I have been discussing this throughout the entire pregnancy and although neither of us want someone else to raise our child, the reasonable/sensible side of me keeps thinking that quitting a job in this economy is a bad idea. He prefers that I have to stay home, even though we will have to make some significant sacrifices, but I keep wavering back and forth. I go from feeling selfish to feeling like it?s the ?right? thing to do (for us), to deciding that I?ll just wait until our son arrives before making a final decision. I?m just curious if anyone else battled with this. How/when did you make the decision? Have you ever regretted it?

laney75 · May 2011

For me (us), it was an easy decision. Financially we could make it work, thankfully, so it was more about did I want to stay with our kids or work? I chose to stay home. I've never regretted my decision, but that doesn't mean that I don't question it sometimes. Staying home is a big lifestyle adjustment. And it changes your relationship. But ultimately I'm very happy I'm home with our kids. I think it is very natural to question it and it is a big decision. I know it isn't always an easy decision to make.

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2011

I know this tends to not be a popular opinion on these boards, but I always advise women to make the choice on maternity leave. So many people think they want to be SAHMs and when the baby gets here realize that it's not for them, or vice versa. As cheesy at it sounds, a baby changes everything.

For me, the possibility of being at home full time was always there since we set up our mortgage/bills on what we could afford on one income, but I wasnt ever really sure what I wanted to do while I was still pregnant with my first. The day before I was induced with my DS, I interviewed for a part time job in my field. I ended up accepting the offer 2 weeks PP, and gave my notice to my full time job then. I really like the balance of working part time. I was lucky enough to find a job where it's only 17 hours a week, I can make my own hours so I avoid the cost of daycare and my DH or parents watch the kids while I'm at work. While on maternity leave with my 2nd, I quickly realized being home full time wasnt for me, but I don't think I could work full time either.

Depending on DH's career track, if he ends up getting a huge promotion next year it will be more money but will probably require more hours. At that point I might SAH full time so I can better manage the household/chores. I think I might enjoy it with the kids being a bit older since I'll get a break with the kids in preschool 2 days a week, but I havent decided 100% yet.

MrsKatie07 · May 2011

For me it was a financially easy decision once we looked at our budget, but it was emotionally difficult. On one hand emotionally it was clear to me that I wanted to stay home- absolutely hated leaving my child at daycare and being away from her. On the other hand, I loved my job and also loved DD's daycare teachers and what they did with her. Today is actually her last day of daycare (this is all very new to me- I just went on maternity leave Friday), and it was very tough for me to say goodbye to her teacher and take her away from a place I know she loves going. Yes, I am saying I hated leaving her at daycare but at the same time love her teachers and that she gets to have lots of interaction with other kids. They are complicated feelings, but that's how it is. In the end my emotions of wanting to stay home with my kids won out. After just a few days I can already tell this is the best decision I have ever made. I am so much less stressed about everything.

I do like the PP's idea of waiting until you're on maternity leave to decide. It may not be for everyone.

nicoleandadam · May 2011

Before I ever had kids and even after DS1 was born, I always said being a SAHM wasn't for me. However, after DS2 was born and I was fed up with my job and our daycare, I decided that staying at home was for me. Our lives got so much more hectic with two and I was only seeing the boys two hours every night. I just realized how miserable I was at my job and figured it wasn't worth it to me to spend so much time away from them being miserable. I really feel like my maternal instincts kicked in after DS2. I wouldn't say the decision was easy, but I'm hoping it will make our lives easier.

JOEBunny · May 2011

The financial side for us was easy. I did not plan to stay home, it was an evolution. Once I realized that DD would sleep most of the time I was with her during the week, that our lives would be super stressful with two people in corporate positions with long hours, and that DH could do much better at his job without having to worry about home, it evolved into sort of a non-decision. I don't miss working, but I do miss respect. Many days are great, some are painful, no different than when I was working in that regard, but I find SAH to be more meaningful and I wouldn't trade my choice. I had a career, felt accomplished and had nothing left to prove, I think that helped. I also try to make the most of being a SAH parent and generally feel I do a good job. I also feel like I have a lot of benefits not everyone has, like enough money to do fun things with the kids, hire a sitter when I need one (infrequently), and I have a lot of friend support.

hiltyn78 · May 2011

awollenweber:
My husband and I have been discussing this throughout the entire pregnancy and although neither of us want someone else to raise our child, the reasonable/sensible side of me keeps thinking that quitting a job in this economy is a bad idea.

although this is the SAHM board, this phrase is pretty insulting in general. ie: Dads who work aren't raising their children. Moms who work aren't raising their children? I guess I didn't get that memo (I have worked FT since DD was born but will SAH as of next Friday).

I think it's a good idea if you haven't "always dreamed of staying at home" to go back to work for 6 months and then re-evaluate your situation. By then, your LO should be sleeping relatively decent and you are better equipped to make rational decisions. (My WORST decisions have been made when I have been sick/ tired.)

Good luck! It's not easy to decide, that's for sure.

mabma80 · May 2011

From day one, DH has always told me that he'd like for me to stay home with our kids. He mentioned it while we were dating/engaged, and really never said anything after. After DS#1 was born I tried staying home for six months, but just couldn't do it. So, I found a nice job that I made enough to cover my gas, daycare, and my lunches. We really didn't need the money, it was mainly for me to get out of the house. The daycare we had was AWESOME! I give them credit with everything DS1 learned!

When we had DS#2, I didn't make enough to cover both of them for daycare, so that's when I made the move to stay home permenantly. It was an adjustment, but I got over it and I love it! It puts DH at ease and our parents (even though they all worked their whole lives).

Don't get me wrong, I have my days that I wish I could go get a job, but I feel lucky that I can drive my kids to school, pick them up, go out to parks, etc. We are expecting DS#3 and I will be plenty busy.

However, once all our kids are in school full time, I will be getting a part time job cause there's no point in staying home alone. : )

WhitePicketFence · May 2011

I had fully intended on being a working mom and actually went back to work for 2 months after my maternity leave ended. I had been working at the same company for almost 3 years when I found out I was pregnant with DD1 and our department got a new boss shortly after I announced the pregnancy. While my old boss was great, my new boss was horrific. She found multiple ways to make my life miserable from the time she found out I was pregnant all the way through my maternity leave (I'm not kidding - she called me a week before my leave ended to tell me that she was moving me to a satelite location meaning longer commute, more hours, more responsibility, no extra pay, and I had no choice in the matter). Things were even worse when I returned to work and I ended up driving home in tears most days. I struggled with the idea of quitting to be a SAHM for weeks. Aside from my boss, I loved my job, got paid well, and was fearful of leaving the workforce. I also wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it financially.

After one particularly horrible day, I finally said enough and submitted my resignation. We slashed the budget and had to make some serious sacrifices for me to stay home, but DH was very supportive throughout it all. Luckily, he also got a promotion shortly after I quit so that helped out tremendously.

I've been home for just about a year now. Although finances have been tight at times, I don't regret my decision at all. It has 100% been worth it.

LJR 84 · May 2011

nicoleandadam:
Before I ever had kids and even after DS1 was born, I always said being a SAHM wasn't for me. However, after DS2 was born and I was fed up with my job and our daycare, I decided that staying at home was for me. Our lives got so much more hectic with two and I was only seeing the boys two hours every night. I just realized how miserable I was at my job and figured it wasn't worth it to me to spend so much time away from them being miserable. I really feel like my maternal instincts kicked in after DS2. I wouldn't say the decision was easy, but I'm hoping it will make our lives easier.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm currently working and pregnant with #2. I'm really leaning towards staying home after this one is born. I can't imagine how hectic/crazy it will be to have two in daycare. The logistics of it all scare me! Not only that, but it was very hard for me to return to work after DD was born...and dealing with all the sickness that came along with daycare and having to take off work, etc was very stressful. I do not love my job either- so I won't feel too terrible about leaving it.

All of that being said, I am waiting until I'm on ML to make any final decisions. I very well may decide that SAH isn't for me after all. (But, I think I will).

almostjennifer · May 2011

It was easy. We decided before we got married that I would stay home with kids. Obviously, I do think it is the "right" thing to do, or I wouldn't have done it. If you are OK with making lifestyle adjustments, can maintain an emergency fund and contribute to your retirements -- then go for it. You sound like you would not be happy going back to work.

*Willis* · May 2011

No, it wasn't easy. I went back to work FT for 6 months or so, but I knew that private practice as an attorney wasn't feasible for me long term. So I decided to cut bait. And I cried when I told my partner.

Overall, I'm very happy. But I landed a PT WAH gig doing legal consulting for a former client.

If you aren't sure, I'd give working a shot. If it's not for you, then quit.

webMistress0609 · May 2011

It was an easy decision but I just started SAH in Feb. Financially it's been hugely difficult & we're not anywhere near as secure as I'd like, but I had to make a decision between my mental health & my family sticking together or working.

I won't bore you with the whole story, but I was miserable working from day one. I didn't think it would make a huge difference to me to SAH or work, but it did. My job was super high stress & I hated it, so leaving it was a good thing for me & my family, but it wasn't just the job. Once DS arrived, I wanted to SAH with him. I've had other mom friends plan on SAH & be just as miserable. If you really love your job, maybe make the decision on leave or go back for a short time as a pp suggested. If it's an easily replaceable job or you wouldn't mind taking less $$ or having a less prestigious position, quit & go back to work later if you don't enjoy SAH.

JMB22 · May 2011

Before TTC, I thought I would continue working. After TTC, I knew I wanted to stay home unless I got a really amazing job offer. Luckily for me, the decision was made for me. During pregnancy, I was not content in my current job, and am anazing job was not available (due to budget cuts and a sour market), so I decided to stay home with DS. I'm so thankful to stay home with DS.

Luvie13 · May 2011

easiest and best decision ever!

MCC1010 · May 2011

Financially we were/are fine with me being a SAHM. DH has a wonderful career and gets paid well so that wasn't an issue. Emotionally, I struggled with walking away from my career. I had spent so much time getting my degrees, completing internships and so forth that walking away was painful. I felt like I was losing an important part of who I was and I resented it. Then Matthew came along and I had to focus on him. I have moments when I miss my career and would love to go back. However, I love that I am getting to see my son grow and change on a daily basis. Wait until you have the baby and make up your mind then. You may decide you love it or that it isn't the right decision for you.

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