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August 2011 Moms
mdotm0904
member
Now what? (XP from Single Parents)
mdotm0904
member
Ex has issued an ultimatum. Give the baby his last name or he sign off parental rights. He says he refuses to parent a child that doesn't have his surname (& that he can have more if he wishes) & if she's his, she needs to have his name. He's threatening to fight me in court from the day she's born if i don't agree to let him sign over his rights or agree to give her his last name. Well, we aren't married. In fact he's still LEGALLY married to someone else! I've already spoken to a lawyer about custody & whether or not she has to have his last name & they said no, she doesn't have to have his last name even if he signs off on the BC. I haven't spoken to the family law attorney about whether or not he'll even BE ABLE to terminate his rights. Because I thought he could only terminate if there were someone else there ready to adopt (so i plan to call her first thing tomorrow morning).
I honestly feel like this whole thing is about control! He's a very controlling & manipulative bully who is quick to threaten court action (as seen in how he deals with his ex) and he's used to having everything his way. So he's trying to force my hand. I realize it's a "simple" issue of the name, and that if he's willing to do all of this then maybe i should just go ahead & concede & give my daughter his name so that we can move on & be one happy co-parenting "family". But the thing is this...WHY SHOULD I?!?! We're not married. Not dating. Haven't seen each other since March. We don't talk. He doesn't ask about the baby and HE'S the one who mentioned terminating parental rights. so obviously he wants out! I also feel like if I were to concede on this one issue it's setting a pattern of him being able to just bully me around, & I don't want to have to deal with that for the rest of my life & i don't want my daughter to think that men are just allowed to treat her any kind of way!
So at this point, I honestly feel stuck. I want my daughter to grow up having a father as I lost mine at age 11. But the whole situation seems volatile & he seems like a toxic person to have to deal with. I mean, he sees his daughter as DISPOSABLE! (i'll sign over my rights, i don't mind, i can have more kids, i mean WHO says that!)
If i'm being a whiny brat, tell me & i'll take it into consideration that maybe i should give up my name. But i've been thinking about this for weeks & months, so it's not like i'm emotional right now & I just want things my way. I have been weighing the pros & cons for a long time about what's the right thing to do....
Ideas? (please let me know if u need more clarifying information & hopefully i don't get flamed for this post, but i really have no where else (unbiased) to turn)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Now what? (XP from Single Parents)
Unless it's different from here, he can terminate his parental rights if he wants, without someone else to "step up". It won't get him out of paying child support though...
Name her what you want, deal with the rest in court.
The brothers I Rule and OMG! with their faithful sidekickFootFoot.
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Light-heartedly: Fight fire with fire. Put unknown in the father spot. See what he has to say about that. You forfeit your rights to child support from him, but I don't know if you need it or not.
Seriously: Give her your last name. He doesn't want to have anything to do with her. What kind of name-sake is that? A man who walks away from his family is not a man I'd want associated with me or my family. Furthermore, a day will come when your daughter can decide for herself. If that's what she wants, she has every right to change her name. Let him be the kind of parent he wants to be and when she's old enough to make her own legal decisions she can make a decision then.
Furthermore, most families prefer to have a single name as an act of solidarity. There is nothing resembling that in you and the "sperm donor's" relationship, so why would you do that? Why would you EVEN entertain that? I understand that it will be a long fight if he wants it to be, but it will be worth it. It's a matter of principle.
Start making your case now. Get his "I'll have more" attitude in writing so that you can present it as evidence against him. In the end I don't know how much good it will do you, but it's worth a shot.
Good luck!!
In my opinion don?t put his name or give her his last name on the birth certificate. For someone to threaten you the way he does I would stay away from him. Does not seem like a safe situation.
When my ex and I separated, he threatened me with not giving me a divorce if I didn't let him sign over his rights. In VA, a parent can not just terminate their parental rights. I eventually got my divorce anyways, though. He never actually gave me his address, so I was able to say that I didn't know where he lived... we were divorced months before he knew about it
Off subject, sorry...
I agree that you shouldn't give your LO his last name. It can always be changed later if you or your daughter decide to do it. I know not having a dad around is hard, but it's better than having an a$$hole coming in and out of your (and LO's) life.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
I disagree. A baby is a human, not a showpiece. Dad's are proud to have children with their name, but they should be proud of their progeny without the name as well. And if dad is no one to be proud of or even claim, then I don't see why she needs to have his name. If he's that mean and manipulative to you, and sees her as disposable, then I think its probably in her best interest for you to let him terminate his rights and be done with him. Guys like that only do more harm in the long run as they string along both you and your daughter. Do you really want to be connected to him and his demands for the rest of your life? Move on, and allow your daughter the chance to connect with another man who is worthy of her love and affections. Donating sperm doesn't entitle a man to his child's unconditional love, and he shouldn't be afforded that privilege if he wants to act like an ass to her mother.
Just because she won't have her bio dad in her life doesn't mean she won't have any positive male role models at all. She'll get more value out of non-dad positive role models that care about her than one *** that doesn't give a shiit.
This. Unless you have tons of extra money that you want to spend on lawyers, I'd consider trying it his way to begin with. If he doesn't step up and act like a father, change it to your name in a year or two. Since you're already in touch with a lawyer, ask whether you'd be able to do this in the future without his consent, just to make sure.
I understand the perspective of the PP's about not giving in to an ultimatum, but you have to think about whether you're really "winning" by refusing and getting into an extended (and costly) battle.
Yep, this.
I wouldn't give her his last name. He doesn't deserve that honor - you do. You are raising her and loving her, he is just being a bully. Let me terminate his rights if that's what he wants, but still go to court for child support.
I would probably stop communicating with him at this point. Go between lawyers if possible. He sounds like bad news and you have more important things (LO) to worry about right now.
Hang in there. I give you a ton of credit for holding everything together as well as you seem to be. If was pregnant and dealing with this guy I think I would be an emotional and angry mess 99% of the time.
like PP have said, he can terminate his rights w/o having a "replacement" ready. Honestly, as horrible as it may sound--if he's THAT casual about signing his rights over--then let him. He probably won't be a good dad anyways, and a bad INVOLVED father can be just as bad as an absent father.
Give her your name--he's done nothing to deserve her having his.
moma i have been reading your posts about this guy for weeks. honestly how you describe him, he seems like a nightmare. i wouldn't want him near my child if i were you. i feel he will mentally do further damage to you and worse to your lil girl. you and your daughter deserve better.
He will never be a father, just a sperm donor. Your daughter deserves your last name, because it will be you making her into the person she will be. he gives ultimatums? screw him. move past him and focus on LO.
good luck
My personal thoughts are that if he's willing to threaten giving up his parental rights over a name, and he's NOT willing to be a father to a child that doesn't have his last name (even though she's biologically his) then he doesn't want her badly enough to bother. Don't concede your point. The only way I would consider giving her his last name is if he DID want to be her father. And no one that truly wants that would ever threaten to terminate his parental rights over a last name.
That's just my opinion, so you can take it as you will, but I honestly think that he isn't worth fighting at this point. Give your LO your last name and let him terminate his rights. If he truly wants the baby he won't go through with it, name or no name.
i won't flame you. you're entitled to your opinion. I honestly doubt he's gonna change. He's older than me & very stubborn. Anyway he does have other children & he is good with them...in a sense. There's 3 of them. He only wanted two. When the youngest was born he said it took him at least 3yrs to connect with her because he didn't want her. He also treats their mother like garbage. He's barely civil & he bullies her into doing whatever it is that he wants by always threatening to file court action (and she can't afford it since they just came from a nasty year long custody battle which resulted in them having 50/50 joint custody....but they were married....we aren't.) He makes himself seem like he's the better parent because she doesn't live in a house as big as his. Or cook as many homecooked meals as he does (which he doesn't even cook, his illegal immigrant mother cooks them for the kids). And he talks badly to & about her in front of them as well as instruct them to disrespect her boyfriend & her family. This is NOT the life I want for my daughter! And i feel like contributing your sperm doesn't make you a father!
I have my dad's last name. I loved him dearly. But since my mother was the main parent that I knew, sometimes it did make me sad not having the same last name as her. I thought about having it changed, but my dad passed away & she wasn't close to her dad so i didn't want to switch names.
At this point, even if it's wrong, I'm giving her my last name, & like PPs have said, I'll deal with the rest in court. Even though a lawyer is the LAST thing i can afford right now, I can't allow him to back me into a corner because from observing him with his ex, i know there WILL be a next time...
thanks for the advice everyone.
I can totally verify that this is true from my own father/daughter experience. My parents were divorced and my mom was forced to be the "mom and dad" in my life. My father decided that he still wanted to be present, but only when it was convenient. To this day, he still parties and goes out all the time to get drunk with the guys and even hangs out at local bars with the 25 yr olds (even though he turns 50 this year). He still only wants to be my father when it's convenient. He seems to have an interest in his soon-to-be first grandchild, but then again this grandchild isn't demanding any of his time. I've been trying to make it clear to him that he may be a crappy father to me, but he will not treat my son that way. I've told him there will be no drinking around my child, no giving my child alcohol (yes, he would do this thinking that it was a funny joke... he used to do it to me as a child), and he has to be there for my son whenever he calls - not just when it's convenient. I've shed many tears in my life over having a bad involved father, and I've asked my mom several times why she couldn't have just let him sign over his parental rights. At the time, she thought he would eventually grow up and it would be best for me to have 2 parents. I can't fault her for doing what she thought was best for me, but that doesn't mean that I'm not hurt by him at least once a month. She did marry a man when I was a teen that has been the best "dad" I could ever ask for. He's wonderful and I can't wait to make him a grandpa. If it were me, I would let your sperm donor sign over his parental rights. Just because your child isn't going to have his biological father in his life, doesn't mean that you'll never find a great guy to be his dad.
he is a nightmare. and i think today was the final straw. to consider my child disposable hurts me like no other. i've made my decision and i'm at peace with it....he needs to go.
Good luck and lots of prayers to you. You seem to be doing what is in your daughter's best interest. This isn't about keeping a willing father out of her life, its about keeping a controlling and emotionally abusive bully from using her as a pawn in his interactions with you. She's not even born yet and he's trying to use her. Neither of you need a man like that in your lives and you should be proud that you're standing up for yourself and your daughter.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
it's better to have NO father than one who is abusive, which is what he is.
you should use your own name. him signing over hs rights might be a blessing in disguise.
and you're right, to keep him in the picture just for the sake of having a father sets your daughter up for low self esteem and to believe that his actions are acceptable or expected. no bueno.
we've only had one phone convo. everything else has been text & email...all of which i have saved of course!! Especially the one today where he issued the ultimatum!
This.
There is no way I would give the baby his last name.
In a normal coparenting situation I would agree with him that the baby should have his last name or at least you could hyphenate both last names. However, his ultimatum proves that there is nothing normal about this situation. I personally think he is bluffing. Call his bluff. Name the baby what you feel comfortable with and see if he really denies her. If he does, you are both better off without him and he will have to deal with his daughter's resentment in the years to come. Find out what your legal rights are in regards to child support though. Make him be responsible if it is at all possible.
Ok so I have the last name of some SOB my mom slept with. She gave me my dad's last name because it seemed like the right thing to do. He rolled out when I was 6 months and to this day has nothing to do with me, Yet I have his last name.
my G-mom raised me and figured that since I would someday get married and change my name that it was no use in changing it as a kid. I grew up established my career was know by my last name and then got married. I decided to hyphnate it so people would still know who I was professionally and because I didn't want to give up my name that had been with me all my life just because I got married.
Point being you never know what the future holds so give her the name that you want her to have for the rest of her life. Otherwise she may be stuck with a name you don't even want to say
Again, thanks for the advice & input everyone. I've made the decision that when she's born, she WILL have my last name. If he chooses to walk away because of this, I can't (nor do i want to stop him). His ultimatum is about his pride, & not our daughter. I refuse to live my life like this because yes, while it's about the child, I also am a person & i have rights & feelings just like everyone else. I think i've been more than fair in my dealings with him. & he's just being a super douche. I talked to a lawyer & he can't sign over his rights, that's something the state persues or gets done if there's someone else willing to adopt. So his threats are empty. If i have to sell my brand new car, live without cable, cell phone, and move to my sister's couch in order to pay for a lawyer in the event that he does want to take me to court, I'm prepared. I'll do anything for my baby girl.
Not letting it stress me out anymore