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Working Moms
New working mom frustrated
My LO is 13 weeks old and I returned to work last week. I work 3 overnight shifts at a psych hospital and two of those overnights my H stays home (he is a firefighter and works the other night so she goes to grandparents home 1 night a week).
So night 1 I haven't even been at work for 1 hr when I get the dreaded call "I can't do this, she won't stop crying" ugh.... I am at work, night one... My H is YELLING at me to help him over the phone. I give him tons and tons of suggestions but he tells me all of them are stupid and he is not doing them. THEN WHY CALL... JUST TO B... AT ME and MAKE ME FEEL BAD. I am so frustrated it was very hard to get through my 12 hour shift that night.
Night 2 is better and I praise him over and over for doing such a great job with her. The next day he talked about how he was with her trying to keep himself calm and how easy she was even with some fussyness.
FYI: This is a textbook baby, she rarely cries except when she is bored or hungry and is usually easy to calm down. She also sleeps 6-9 hrs at night already and 1/2 my shift at work she is asleep so WTH..... anyway
Night 3 at home wiht her (my second week back) he did great. Stated she was a little fussy but overall good.
TONIGHT... UGH... just like night one he calls within first hour... calling me by my first name in mean manner screaming that he can't get her calm. I speak calmly to him giving him ideas and he is slowly calming down but again tells me all my ideas are dumb (go on drive, give her bath, take her into a new room and show her all the things on the walls, anything to distract her and to help him calm down). I also point out that while on the phone with me he calmed down and she is no longer crying. He informed me that his emotions have nothing to do with her crying and that she just needed to stop crying and he would calm down... HELLO you are the ADULT... You have to calm down first!!!!
Ok I am done venting!!!!! Thanks
2nd EDD 02/01/13 - MC 5 1/2 weeks 6/5/12.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New working mom frustrated
How is your DH when you are home?
It is frustrating and hard to care for acrying baby alone when you don't know what you are doing, but if he doesn't feel comfortable, he needs to observe you or you need to let him be in charge while you are nearby.
My husband was regularly frustrated to the point of tears when our DD was really little, he was just totally overwhelmed and didn't know what to do and kept thinking he was doing something wrong.
i have a different take on this than some of the other posters. it sounds like your DH is really overwhelmed with being the caretaker of your LO at night. i know evenings were really tough with DS (then again- he was not a textbook baby). when i was home with DS on maternity leave, there were many times i called DH crying and overwhelmed because i felt like i couldn't do anything right or handle the situation well with DS crying constantly. it was best when he let me vent and cry. the only real thing that helped was time. obviously- we all know he needs to "be a parent" and "deal with it", but from somebody who felt helpless at the time- that's easier said than done.
it was really a hard time in our marriage. looking back, the best thing for us would have been calm conversations during the calm times. keep encouraging him and telling him what a good job he's doing. i know this is exhausting, as it was for my husband at the time, but you both will get through this and come out better in the end with encouragement and love.
Even the easiest babies can be rough in the evenings. And knowing it's coming makes you tense up, only making things worse. I feel both of your pain.
Can you get someone to come over for a bit in the evenings to trade off with your husband, say a neighbor or family member? Even a half hour breather might encourage him.
I also recommend Happiest Baby on the Block DVD. It was a life saver. Having advice not come from you might help as well.
How are you when you are both home with your LO? Do you let DH help a lot and don't jump in to fix things when your baby is fussy? Your husband is only going to learn and gain confidence if he is hands on, not if you hover or scoop in to help when it gets bad.
Good luck to you. It will all work out. Please be easy on your husband, even if you are frustrated.
met DH 1995 ~ married DH 2006 ~ completed our family 2008
Life is good!
I agree with the prior posters on the Happiest Baby on the Block. Some nights the 5 S's were the only thing that calmed DD down - and it's so easy to implement. Also when DD was super colicky I would wear her and that really calmed her down - if your DH is comfortable wearing your baby and walking around the house, he could try that.
Time with her will help him become more confident, as will having him take the lead more often when you are around. DH was a nervous wreck when I went on my first business trip and he was home with DD. It went OK and he became more confident in his ability to care for DD. Now he's a pro, even handling both kids when I go away.
I agree with your last paragraph about him needing to be calm - I think babies can sense when their caretaker is nervous / upset and it causes them to get more upset, and the whole thing escalates.
BLAH, DH does the same thing to me when I go out...sometimes I get The Call when I'm 2 miles from home! One day I just had it b/c he made my little night out miserable by texting me constantly about the crying to the point where I just didn't enoy myself anymore and I just wanted to go home.
ANYWAY, I ended up asking him not to text me unless the crying has been going on for a long time (like 20 mins) or there is a real emergency. He'd text me: "She's flipping out!" then literally 5 mins later "Ok she calmed down". So it's like a rollercoaster!!!
Your DH will get used to taking care of her...mine did. He doesn't know her signals like you do. I catch LO's tiredness about 99% of the time before she starts bugging...he doesn't know the signals like i do! He'll get better!! But yes, I think you need to talk to him and let him know that you are at work, and thats stressful enough!!
My DH was home with the girls from when they were 6-9 months old while I worked ft...it was realy challenging for him...we had the "unless someone needs to go to the ER don't call me at work" rule...while I know it was hard for him (especially when they were both crying) I just kind of let him do his thing...the few times he called freaking out I told him to walk away for a few minutes...reassured him that he was doing a fab job and they were just having some cranky time, and for the most part this seemed to help everyone relax a bit...
babies cry ~ sometimes for no reason...but it is unfair of your husband to call you at work in freakout mode when he watches your LO...I do also agree that evening time can be the worst...so maybe having someone else availble to help out on one of your shifts would be a good idea (since presumeably your dh is also a working parent?) GL...
We went through a similar phase - at 7:00 every night Alice would completely loose it - usually right when DH was walking in from work. It really hurt his confidence with watching her - until he started using the Ergo carrier around the house, like they recommend in the Happiest Baby on the Block. He would strap her in and then walk around the house with her. Not only did it calm her right down, but he really enjoyed the time cuddling with her and it helped him realize that she didn't actually hate him
The first few weeks back can be really difficult - I'm sorry that your DH is adding additional stress for you. It sounds like he's pretty worn out and doesn't have a ton of confidence with your LO. Hopefully he'll learn some tricks to settle your LO down soon and you can both relax a little bit. Hang in there - it does get easier.