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June 2011 Moms
Just...Angry and Hurt (Vent)
To make a long story short, I lost both of my parents in 2009 (my father to suicide in August, my mother 7 weeks later in October to a pulmonary embolism after a heart valve replacement gone bad) and my family has never quite recovered from the blow. My family pretty much boils down to my two younger brothers and my two grandmothers that I associate with.
Not having my mom around throughout my pregnancy has been exceedingly rough. She had always been a rock for me and my brothers, and losing her was a nightmare come true. I've struggled with the fact that not only did she never get the chance to meet my husband in person (I had moved to California in 2006, met him in 2008, and we married/got pregnant in 2010...they spoke on the phone quite often and I know she absolutely adored him), but that she'll never know her first grandchild.
We decided to name our daughter Deborah Anne the day we found out it was a girl (Deborah is my mother's name, Anne is mine and my MIL's middle name) to honor her memory and to keep a bit of family tradition alive. Everyone else loves the name...with the exception of my grandmother (mom's mom) who hasn't seemed to give a damn about the fact that we're having her great-granddaughter since the moment we announced it. Every time she calls me, all she wants to talk about is how much she hates my father, is angry at my mother, and so on and so forth along the same theme. I've expressed my feelings on her behavior and how I wish she would seek therapy many times, but it's gotten to the point where my husband answers the phone every time she calls because I just can't mentally handle her anymore.
Suddenly, she wants to spend a week with us after the baby's born. However, there are conditions to her visit...meaning that she won't come unless 1. we either pay for a hotel for her (which we can't afford right now), or let her stay at our place (which is somewhat under construction and not set up for guests); and 2. "need" her. I didn't ask her to come, and yet she's acting like she's doing me a big favor. Am I missing something here?
Just yesterday she called me for the sake of complaining how she isn't comfortable with me naming my child after my mother. WTF?! Honestly, who freakin' says that?!
I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I'm due to have this kid any day now, and the last thing that I need is to deal with her emotional diarrhea every time she calls me.
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Re: Just...Angry and Hurt (Vent)
that sounds incredibly difficult. I would tell her to stay home - tell her, you appreciate her willingness to come out and spend time, but unfortunately, you cannot commit to it right now, because you are not sure what your needs will be. If you want to be nice, you can say let's revisit this ina few things when we are more settled and I am sure I can use your help then.
No need for added stress at this time
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My family suffered the unexpected loss of my mother last year. Similarly, the surviving family members have very different and usually conflicting means of dealing or of just getting through the days.
Going through pregnancy without the support of a mother is hard to do. I'd encourage you not to doubt yourself so late into your experience, trust your wonderful husband, and create healthy boundaries.
I know it is just another opinion, and stranger's at that, but I don't think there is anything you can "do" about your grandmother's anger. Things that are working better for me now include trying to write to extended family members once every other week, trying to talk to select family members on the phone once per week with a time limit, and making more time for supportive friends, who are becoming my "new" family.
You'll be a great parent; you obviously care enough about others in your life to let this get to you. Hang in there!
If it were me, i would tell her that you appreciate her offer to come help, but you can't afford to put her up in a hotel and think that it's really important to spend the first few weeks (or months or years lol!) really having a normal family enviroment in the house. maybe suggest a time later in the future? more for your sake than GMs.
and as far as the negativity about the naming goes, i know it's going to tough but stand your ground. tell her that it's really important that you honor your mother and that it's unltimately yours and DHs decision. you respect her opinion but you've made your choice and you're not talking about it anymore. if she keeps bringing it up stop answering her calls. we had to do this with DH's GM and she finally got the message. she knows that if she is going to be super negative we are not responding to her. it's like dealing with a child sometimes.
good luck and stay strong!
I'm so sorry. I can empathize--my mom passed very suddenly from a congenital heart defect in early 2009, and I think the word "nightmare" is the best way to describe losing her. That she'll never know my babies breaks my heart and presents a lot of difficulty in my relationship with an otherwise-fantastic MIL.
Our daughter's middle name is going to be my mom's middle name, and our son's middle name is going to be her maiden name (a fairly common male name). We haven't told anyone the names yet, but if anyone tried to dissuade me from honoring my mom with their names.....I think I would go apesh!t. There was never even a question that the middle names were set.
I'm sure your grandmother has a lot of unresolved grief about her daughter, but she has no right to take it out on you or add to your own struggle to live with your grief. (I would never say "get over" the grief because I don't think I will ever get over the pain--you just learn to live with it.) I think you're doing the right thing by having your DH answer the phone. I would just distance yourself from her if and until she isn't causing you stress. I would definitely not have her come to "help"--it sounds like she would just make the situation harder for you.
I'll be thinking about you.
Umm...I think I would just tell her "thanks, but no thanks." You don't need that negative energy in your life right now.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. GL
I agree with this, thank her for the offer but tell her you just aren't sure what you are going to need, and perhaps down the road a bit you may want some help (and that doesn't ever need to happen.) I think turning her down may cause a bit of an issue for her, but not nearly as big of an issue as what you could have if you have to actually put up with her for a week!
I'm srry you are having to deal with this and for the loss of your parents. I would also ask her to please stay home.
I think it is beautiful that you are naming your daughter after your mother.
Thanks for all of the support.
DH and I had a long conversation about the whole thing a bit ago and we've decided that we're just going to tell her that when things are convenient for us, we'll visit her when we go to visit the rest of my family (they all live in my hometown). She can like it as much or as little as she wants, but this is how it's going to be.
Baby update!
We just got back from the doctor, and I'm 1cm dilated, 50% effaced, LO's head it at the -1 station. Doc says that I'm ready to go at any time and that he'd be surprised if I don't have her by my appointment next week. Looks like this past week of pre-labor was worth it after all!
Sometimes you honestly need to put other people's feelings aside and simply consider your own. I would tell grandma thanks but no thanks. Its been 11 months since my dad died in a motorcycle accident and after a few months of abuse from my grandma I had to make the decision to cut her out of my lfie. I know our grief is completely different, she lost a son, her only care taker, to a horrible accident and I can not imagine that pain. But I still lost my dad and its not an excuse for her to take her frustrations out on me. I refuse to let her ruin this special time in our lives and while children do have a way of bringing people together, I would not chance it that soon after the baby is born. Take the time for yourselves and enjoy the new life. And we are naming our baby after my dad, I think it is an amazing way to honor someone who has passed away, don't let anyone make you feel bad about doing it! Best of luck to you, I hope things get better for your family.
As a mother who has lost 2 children tragically I can say that outliving your children no matter how old you are is THE single hardest thing you can ever deal with in your life. The loss of parents yes is difficult and no less tragic and we all deal with things differently but I am going to come from your grandmother's perspective.
She obviously does not know how to deal with the loss of her daughter. Her own guilt is consuming her. You are her outlet. You should still honor your mother with naming your daughter after her but do understand that this will be a stab at your grandmother. She probablly doesn't seem thrilled over her greatgrandchild because she is afraid of the attatchment and loss that she feel may inevitably come from said attachment.
I honestly don't know how I could ever look at my grandchild and not see my daughters if one of my other children name their child after my daughters who passed on. It is a torn feeling and one not easily comprehendable or understandable.
You don't have any obligation to understand your grandmother but I do think the best thing for everyone including her is to come down and see the baby if you can help her make it happen. It may just help her heal.
I'm sorry you're going through what sounds like a difficult situation. She seems to be displaying something like a 'tough love.' Like she cares but not wanting to be overly showy about it? Not sure, I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt I guess.Plus grandmoms are definitely from different era and time.
You'll have to ask yourself how important it is to you to accept her "help" that she's offering. That is, you mentioned your home is not really guest-ready but relatives don't usually care. A cot in the living room would do if they truly care. At least that's how mine are. Or suck it up and pay for her hotel. Again, ask yourself how important it is for you for her to be there.
First of all, I want to express how deeply sorry I am at your own loss. No one should ever have to bury their children.
I don't pretend to understand what my grandmother is going through. I only know my pain from the perspective of a daughter who lost both parents in such a short amount of time. I -CAN'T- be her emotional outlet for dealing with my mother's passing. I love her, but I am still dealing with losing her and my father on top of dealing with becoming a mother for the first time. I want her to find a way to heal, but that's a choice she has to make on her own.
I want her to meet her great-granddaughter and be a part of her life, but I'm not going to force her.
My grandmother isn't the easiest to deal with. She's a very negative and passive-aggressive person.
There is no "suck it up and pay for her hotel". We can't afford to pay for it, plain and simple. We didn't ask her to come. She invited herself even after I explained to her that the only thing we may be able to offer her was an air mattress in the living room since the upstairs is being worked on and warned her that because we're also having to live downstairs for the time being, she probably wouldn't get any rest, but she's trying to insist that we purchase her a hotel room. Family or not, you don't invite yourself into someone's home and expect them to pay for your accommodations knowing full-well that they can't afford it.
Honestly, if she's going to turn everything into a fight, I don't want her to come. I want her to know her great-granddaughter, but I'm not going to let her push us around either. My husband is already about to put his foot down with her and a few other family members on his side when it comes to our LO, and I don't need the added stress.
Well, you (sazrah) said it better than I could. I think that perhaps the OP's Grandmother's issue with the baby name is that she is still grieving. She chose that name and she will think of her daughter every time she sees the OP's little girl or hears about her. In no way should the OP change the name, but I do think that might be where the Grandmother is coming from. Now why she wants the OP to pay for her to come and visit and put that burden on her, I'll never get. But, I really do think that Sazrah probably hit the nail on the head.