What is it with guys and their families?

Daisy77 · May 2011

DH called earlier with bad news/good news. The bad news was he had a new big project....the good news was that the bank gave us the go ahead to add on with our office and an attached garage (the new big project). Although I consider both to be good news, especially since the bank just got our info a few hours ago and cleared us already!

Now, he said when he's done with his current (and really big) job on a customer's truck, we'll begin construction. That sounded great until he mentioned planting and how if that doesn't need to be done..... Ugh. I asked him again (nicely) why their work fell on him. That his "free" time is spent doing his work so he doesn't actually get free time.

He just dances around it. I don't get it. What is the devotion? I mean, I'm there for my family when they need it. I host bday parties for nieces/nephews and baby showers because we have the room. Someone needs help moving? Happy to help. When my mom crosses the line I say so and have no problem doing so. In return, she acknowledges it and we move on (Example: she recently spanked DS and we don't spank. I explained that to her, she felt horrible and apologized to us and DS numerous times.) We have comfortable/common sense boundaries with my family and everyone is fine with that.

DH and his family? Total opposite. MIL will bawl anytime she is politely chastised (for lack of a better word) when it comes to our kids. If they need help with something, anything, DH is expected to be there and often is. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he loves his family and that he can help out. But every.single.time? For stuff that isn't really even helping as much as it is taking over? Helping his sister pick out a car is one thing, he's a mechanic. Taking over planting a field because his mom just "doesn't feel like it" anymore? Not his issue.

From my previous post I see others have the same issues with their DH's and his family. Some of my good girlfriends have the same issue with their DH's and families.

So what is it? Given the whole "mothering" instinct women are suppose to have, why is it often the men that can't cut the cord no matter how independent they are?

J&A2008 · May 2011

There is a reason the phrase "momma's boy" developed...

Rebekah1021 · May 2011

Well, if you think about this way; you know his loyal to his family. Not totally a bad thing.

He's probably not going to change his ways if he hasn't already.

spunkyprincessmande · May 2011

When my H and I were engaged we had a LONG conversation about this. His mom was more or less manipulating him to get something she wanted for our wedding. I told him it wasn't fair because it was our wedding. Ever since then he's been really good about not choosing his family over me (and now Micah). There have been a couple times where he puts us second when we should have been first, but he always feels so bad for doing it. And if he can he'll go back and fix it (explain to his mom why he can't do that, etc.).

I don't know why guys do it. They're so attached to the family that they grew up with that they forget that they have to develop those attachments with their new family, and that comes by putting them first. I think it's something that will always happen from time to time.

SeaStar430 · May 2011

I guess I'm lucky, DH loves his family and is very close to them but will stand up to them if he can tell I want him to.

kmc217 · May 2011

I don't get it either. We see my MIL 2, maybe 3 times a year. She doesn't call, remember birthdays (to include DH's) or ask about the girls. HOWEVER when we do see her (always when she determines, at a huge expense/travel for us), DH bends over backwards to accomodate her, to include letting her (try) to override my rules for our girls. He totally loses his voice and lets her control and manage everything. It is beyond obnoxious.

Daisy77 · May 2011

I wish he had this kind of devotion to our family...and the frustrating part? He didn't use to be this way. I know exactly when it started too (SIL had a baby, MIL became helpless, and it just snowballed)

He's not a BS guy, he'll tell you like it is and has done that to his family before. But when it comes to just discussing it and making some changes back to the way it use to be...it's like he's become a chicken. That's all I want, just to discuss it like adults so I know why their "needs" seem to come before ours.

jana_86 · May 2011

My DH has this "my family can never do wrong" thought process. Anytime I bring something up he says "they were just joking" when clearly they were NOT! And MIL will come in and pick LO up from where ever he is w/out asking (drives me nuts) and nothing is said. If my mom does it I say something. I don't feel like it's my place to say something to MIL, I feel like DH should be the one to do it.

JessesGirl&MackenziesMom · May 2011

J&A2008:
There is a reason the phrase "momma's boy" developed...

Yes

Daisy77 · May 2011

JessesGirl&MackenziesMom:
J&A2008:
There is a reason the phrase "momma's boy" developed...

Believe me, I've been with a momma's boy. Ex (DD#1's dad) couldn't wipe his a** without checking with his mom first. He'd go behind my back and get money from her. She was the 3rd person in our marriage so I left.

I think DH does some of the stuff to help his dad, which I get (still annoying, but FIL can be better than MIL and I actually feel sorry for him sometimes). But FIL either needs to grow a pair and tell MIL to get back on board with their farming or DH needs to start leaving them high and dry. Too much enabling has developed in that family. DH is frustrated by it yet he won't put his foot down on anything.

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