I can't trust DH with DS in the morning/night. :(

biblionerd · May 2011

I hate to say it, but I just can't and I'm pretty much devastated about it. Ever since I've known DH he's been such a sound sleeper. His alarm will literally be blaring right in his ear and I can hear it outside the house but he's sound asleep. When he's tired he's pretty much non-functional. Thank goodness he doesn't have a set start time at work because he is constantly snoozing and sleeping through his alarm. I guess I thought his response to a baby would be different than an alarm. Haha... the first night we were home I was sleeping in the nursery and DH in our bedroom with the monitor on loud right next to his head. DS woke up screaming bloody murder and I needed help and was in so much pain from the c/s. I could hear wailing in surround sound basically from the monitor across the hall and he wasn't stirring the slightest. He hasn't responded any better to LO's cries so I know that he won't wake up when LO needs something or heaven forbid something is wrong.

Yesterday was the first night he finally helped with feedings. After the morning feeding DS started screaming and I flew awake and saw him sleeping next to DH who was ALSO asleep!! That is completely unacceptable with the way he sleeps and he knows that. He said he didn't even remember falling asleep. Then last night I woke him up and asked him to change DS. He said yes so I turn around to get Linus and turned back and he was sound asleep. Then 2 minutes later he woke up and said "oh I can feed for you" I said "yeah, you already tried to help me a couple minutes ago and fell asleep" and by that time he was asleep already. Confused He then woke up AGAIN an hour later and asked if I needed him to watch him so I could go feed the horses and I just snorted and said "yeah right... I think I'd have better luck letting the cats watch him" which of course ticked him off. I told him how he'd woken up and offered to help three times and just fell back asleep and he didn't remember any of them. Then of course he gave me the "I'm so tired spiel" and I lost it and told him that he's averaging 7 hours of sleep a night and I was working on 4 but still was responsible enough to wake up and take care of my son.

It's just so sad for me that I can't trust DH to even wake up to LO crying, nonetheless not fall asleep while he's taking care of him. I seriously am not overreacting that he would be one of those people who would fall asleep and let LO suffocate in his arms. I know (I guess) that he can't help it, but I resent him for it. I resent that I have a husband who I can't trust with our own son and I resent that there's nothing he can do about it I guess.

LadyXaverian · May 2011

I may be way out of line, but is there a possibility that your husband has some kind of sleep disorder?

Either way, whether it's something that could be fixed or not, ((Hugs))

biblionerd · May 2011

SarahL77:
I may be way out of line, but is there a possibility that your husband has some kind of sleep disorder?

Either way, whether it's something that could be fixed or not, ((Hugs))

Thanks. I've thought about that too, but don't really know who to even recommend he see or what they would do.

RunningGal900 · May 2011

I don't let DH have DS in the middle of the night unless I know he is fully awake. He is an extremely sound sleeper, he will have conversations with me and not remember them, falls asleep anywhere, doesn't hear anything, etc. If I ask him to get DS, I make sure that I talk to him and am confident he's awake. But even still, I lay awake waiting for him to come back into the room, so it's easier for me just to do it. It's frustrating, but I pass him off at 6 am when I know that DH is legitimately awake. I had a long conversation with him before DS was born about how important it is for him not to fall asleep on the couch or in his glider with him. He knows he is a super sound sleeper though, so he knows he has to be alert and awake if he's going to have our son. So what I'm saying is, I feel your pain. It's frustrating because even though DH wants to help in the night, he can't.

MG7 · May 2011

Once my DH closes his eyes for the night he's pretty much worthless. He never hears the baby. But tells me to wake him up if I need him - I will and he will proceed to just fall asleep in a new position. I absolutely do not trust him in the middle of the night with the baby and it does annoy me that he just doesn't hear anything.

biblionerd · May 2011

RunningGal900:
It's frustrating because even though DH wants to help in the night, he can't.

Glad to know I'm not the only one. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that it's not that he doesn't want to help, but he can't. I think it's hard for me to grasp that he can't even physically wake up to take care of his son, you know? I just can't imagine not being able to physically wake up to your child screaming.

Lisa7310 · May 2011

biblionerd:
SarahL77:

I may be way out of line, but is there a possibility that your husband has some kind of sleep disorder?

Either way, whether it's something that could be fixed or not, ((Hugs))

Thanks. I've thought about that too, but don't really know who to even recommend he see or what they would do.

He can go see his PCP and they will refer him to a sleep center. My DH just did this because he literally would fall asleep all of the time and never really seemed well rested. He does have sleep apnea, so it was good he did this since it can contribute to health problems.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but he definitely should have it checked out. Is there anyone you could have help watch LO during the day so you could at least nap some?

virginiagirl11 · May 2011

I am someone who sleeps *extremely* soundly and I sympathize with you and your DH. It sounds to me like your DH may have two separate problems, or at least one that is directly related to the other. As others have suggested, maybe he has sleep apnea or some other sleeping disorder that leaves him so exhausted? He should see his PCP to get a reference to a sleep center.

Although I have made major improvements in recent years and am finally able to actually wake up to an alarm (well, two alarms), I still don't trust myself to co-sleep with LO. That is why we have a PnP bassinet next to our bed. Sometimes I feel myself nodding off when I BF LO in the middle of the night (although this has seriously improved since he started sleeping in 4-5 hour stretches) and I force myself in any way possible to stay awake until he's done. I've never fallen asleep holding/feeding him.

I will tell you that I made a deal with myself during that first rough week after he was born. If I got to the point where I truly couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I would put LO in his bassinet regardless of how much he'd eaten, wake DH up and let him know that I absolutely had to sleep immediately, and I'd go to sleep and let him feed LO frozen BM with a bottle if he had to. I never had to do it but I felt better knowing I had a plan.

I am getting about 4-6 hours of (broken) sleep a night right now and it's enough to keep me from falling asleep with LO. Your DH is getting 7 hours of sleep and falling asleep right and left. That makes me wonder if he does indeed have a sleeping disorder of some sort.

Best of luck!!

campbaby76 · May 2011

My dh is diabetic and sometimes if his bloodsugar is high he is literally passed out. I do get frustrated though because he is really terrible about watching what he eats. He also sleeps really deeply in general. I am on my own all night, so I feel your pain.

biblionerd · May 2011

Thanks everyone. I forgot one of the craziest parts. We have Tiffany lamps on each nightstand on each side of the bed. One night all of a sudden the lamp on his side was on the floor and DH was in a panic and just kept saying "the baby, the baby, where's Linus, where's the baby." and took forever to actually wake up to where he wasn't insane acting. We thought he must have just knocked it off on accident. Then 2 days later we woke up to a clanging noise and he was actually holding the lamp like a baby with his hand up under the shade!! He had woken himself up though because of the rattling of the chains. So apparently he was picking this lamp up (and dropping it) because he thought it was a baby. That was when I knew I would never even want Linus in a pack n' play on his side of the bed. I'm not sure I'm not honestly a little worried that he might sleep walk and come over to my side of the bed. Confused

RunningGal900 · May 2011

biblionerd:
RunningGal900:
It's frustrating because even though DH wants to help in the night, he can't.
Glad to know I'm not the only one. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that it's not that he doesn't want to help, but he can't. I think it's hard for me to grasp that he can't even physically wake up to take care of his son, you know? I just can't imagine not being able to physically wake up to your child screaming.

I think momshave an instinct dads dont have, regardless of any other sleep issues. Like how women can sleep with a baby and men can't. Moms have an instinct that prevents them from rolling over on baby.

bobalina77 · May 2011

I used to be able to sleep through anything and now I hear every little noise she makes at night. DF is deaf in one ear so if he's laying on his good ear he can't hear a thing. But if his good ear is up he jumps out of bed the minute he hears her lol.

shaindelr · May 2011

RunningGal900:

I think moms have an instinct dads dont have, regardless of any other sleep issues. Like how women can sleep with a baby and men can't. Moms have an instinct that prevents them from rolling over on baby.

This is actually true. And according to The Attachment Parenting Book, breastfeeding moms release hormones that make them light sleepers so they don't roll over on the baby. The sleep issue is the ONLY thing that annoys me about Jared. His nickname in the Marines was even Lazyboy because he would fall asleep anywhere. He even once woke up with enemy soldiers around him (not kidding).

He does the early morning diaper change--like 5:30 or 6:30 depending on when Liam wakes up. Liam will squawk, and Jared will say, "I'll get him." Then, he'll immediately snore for about a minute and if I move, he say, "I was getting up." And he actually gets up maybe the second or third time. *Sigh*

AB&TB · May 2011

Hugs! I know the sleep deprivation is very stressful, and it is even more difficult when you feel like you are doing it all alone.

As your baby gets older, this sleep issue won't be nearly as important as it seems now. Your baby will get on a schedule and sleep longer at nights, so you won't feel like you need the help that you do now. Unfortunately, you will always be the main one on-call at nights...this is kinda the "mom job" (at least in my house) I have found. And if I want DH to wake up at night for something, I have to wake him up, even if the baby (or older child) is screaming. He just rolls over and goes back to sleep unless I tell him otherwise.

Now that I have multiple children, I am responsible for the baby, and if one of the other kids wakes up, then I make DH take care of them. They are old enough to handle it if DH falls asleep with them in his arms.

I would definitely keep your LO out of your bed though since your DH sleeps so soundly. And deal with any of the nighttime feedings yourself. Once your DH is up for the day, have him watch LO, and then catch a nap if you can (or go to bed early on the weekdays).

Good luck! This isn't the end of the world though, as it may seem at the moment. You will just have to be vigilant & protective of your LO (which I am sure you already are), and be aware of how sleepy or awake your DH actually is when handling LO.

AB&TB · May 2011

biblionerd:
RunningGal900:
It's frustrating because even though DH wants to help in the night, he can't.
Glad to know I'm not the only one. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that it's not that he doesn't want to help, but he can't. I think it's hard for me to grasp that he can't even physically wake up to take care of his son, you know? I just can't imagine not being able to physically wake up to your child screaming.

Try not to get down on him too much for this. Some guys do wake easily, but it seems that the majority do not. We moms are hard wired, due to some hormonal response, to wake up and be instantly alert to our children...even if we were sound sleepers before having children. It is kind of amazing, but also frustraing that dads don't seem to have the same response.

campbaby76 · May 2011

The lamp thing is crazy. I am glad that you are aware and I am sorry.

Nanna · May 2011

I discovered with our first that my DH is useless overnight as well. Here's what we did to eliminate my resentment and to help me get some sleep. DH took over from about 7 until 10 or 11 every night. I would feed the baby then hand him off to my DH. Then I would go upstairs, turn on the fan for white noise and go to sleep (the fan was so I couldn't hear if the baby was crying and stress about it). Then DH would bring the baby up to me when it was time for him to eat again. Getting that solid 3+ hours of rest at my most exhausted time of the day helped IMMENSELY. I could cope with doing the overnight alone with a solid chunk of sleep already under my belt. And it also gave DH complete alone time with his son and he had to figure out how to soothe/play with him without me hovering. We've repeated this our other children and it's been a sanity saver for me. Give it a shot.

Hippixie4 · May 2011

So sorry that you are dealing with this. I know it is frustrating to hear the loudest screaming known to man and watch DH sleep right through it. I feel so irritated with DH when he does this, but I agree with the idea that we are hard wired in a way that men are not. If I want help with getting DD back to sleep or with a diaper change, I have to wake DH up a few times, but once he's up, he's fine.

It sounds like you're making the right decision by not allowing DH to help since he is such a sound sleeper. It might be hard right now, but LO will be sleeping through the night soon and you won't even have to worry about this anymore. You'll get there in no time. ((HUGS))

saminohio1977 · May 2011

I feel your pain. But I knew DH would be of no help when I found out he slept through a smoke alarm a couple times as a kid. He does have to get up at 5:30 every morning and the only way he does that is to set his iphone alarm. For some reason, the loud noise of his i-phone is the only thing that manages to wake him. He is also on call a lot at night. For some magical reason-when the phone rings he hears it and is able to give intelligent accurate responses. If I need him b/c I need help-I call him on his cell and he wakes. I've only had to do it once though. Maybe you can find something like that to work for you? Although the lamp thing does sound pretty scary. Good luck!

p1nklemonade · May 2011

i think the majority of men just do not wake up for anything. my dh is great with the baby when he's awake, but i don't trust him to take care of her at night or when he's tired. he knows this, and thinks i overreact, but i just envision him falling asleep holding lo and then dropping her/letting her roll.

CatfishAnn · May 2011

I really hate to say it, considering we're all sleep-deprived moms, but maybe your DH isn't getting enough sleep? Different people need different amounts of sleep; I need nine or ten hours to really feel alert (so getting three or four at a time right now is killer). If you're concerned for the safety of your LO (and your lamps), try suggesting he go to bed a little earlier. Good luck!

MarineWife503 · May 2011

My DH is in the military so he's been trained to sleep through bombs going off and planes overhead...
So he sleeps a good 7 maybe 8 hours and I'm at maybe 3.
I've kicked DH once because DS was screaming and I just didn't have the strength to get up and feed him. That worked, and now since then he's been a little easier to wake up.
I'm not saying kick your DH in the middle of the night... That only worked for me, and he's a Marine so...

I hope for you and your DS's sake things get better...

Helix07 · May 2011

virginiagirl11:
I am someone who sleeps *extremely* soundly and I sympathize with you and your DH. It sounds to me like your DH may have two separate problems, or at least one that is directly related to the other. As others have suggested, maybe he has sleep apnea or some other sleeping disorder that leaves him so exhausted? He should see his PCP to get a reference to a sleep center.
Although I have made major improvements in recent years and am finally able to actually wake up to an alarm (well, two alarms), I still don't trust myself to co-sleep with LO. That is why we have a PnP bassinet next to our bed. Sometimes I feel myself nodding off when I BF LO in the middle of the night (although this has seriously improved since he started sleeping in 4-5 hour stretches) and I force myself in any way possible to stay awake until he's done. I've never fallen asleep holding/feeding him.
I will tell you that I made a deal with myself during that first rough week after he was born. If I got to the point where I truly couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I would put LO in his bassinet regardless of how much he'd eaten, wake DH up and let him know that I absolutely had to sleep immediately, and I'd go to sleep and let him feed LO frozen BM with a bottle if he had to. I never had to do it but I felt better knowing I had a plan.
I am getting about 4-6 hours of (broken) sleep a night right now and it's enough to keep me from falling asleep with LO. Your DH is getting 7 hours of sleep and falling asleep right and left. That makes me wonder if he does indeed have a sleeping disorder of some sort.
Best of luck!!

Ditto all of this.

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