I need to let this out of my system....vent

D&D4Ever7 · May 2011

I haven't really talked about this to anyone other than DH. And some of you might not like what I have to say but I need to talk to others instead of just DH. I have a older brother who basically left the family and never looked back. We have not seen him or heard from him in 3 years.....I don't understand how someone can completely forget their family members (all of them). I am lucky that I have a sister in my life that I get along with well and I am happy with how things are currently. Due to all the drama in life, I started thinking that if my first child is a boy, he might turn out to be like my brother and I am afraid of this. Next week is my anatomy scan and I will be finding out gender of my baby. What should I do with all these negative thoughts in my head? I am so happy to be pregnant and don't want to think something negative about someone before they are even born. I know that a lot of behavior is learned, but I am still afraid of going through same family drama again. Anyone have any advice for me.

Laura23FP · May 2011

I would just remember that your baby will likely pick up on the traits of you and your husband. I would probably be more worried if your brother came back in to your life and was rubbing off on the baby.

I can relate because I know I do not want my baby to be ANYTHING like my in-laws. Neither does my husband, but we just figure the baby will learn most things from us, may pick up a few things from them, but it will also be a learning experience.

Family drama + pregnancy/babies is never a good thing. I hope you start feeling more positive soon!

iluvmylab · May 2011

I agree with PP. And also, just remember that your baby will learn about your brother from you. So even if it's really hard, you have to try to be positive when/if you are ever around him or speak of him.

D&D4Ever7 · May 2011

Laura23FP:

I would just remember that your baby will likely pick up on the traits of you and your husband. I would probably be more worried if your brother came back in to your life and was rubbing off on the baby.

I can relate because I know I do not want my baby to be ANYTHING like my in-laws. Neither does my husband, but we just figure the baby will learn most things from us, may pick up a few things from them, but it will also be a learning experience.

Family drama + pregnancy/babies is never a good thing. I hope you start feeling more positive soon!

All this really made me tear up. You are so right. thank you so much for your input.

slgbreeden · May 2011

I'm sorry you are feeling this way ((HUGS)). Just keep focusing on the positives and know that if your LO is a boy, it doesn't destine him to follow in your brother's. Each child starts with a clean slate and as long as you and DH do the best you can raising him/her with love and teaching him/her right from wrong, you'll do great. I hope these feelings pass for you soon, enjoy your anatomy scan! Can't wait to hear about your update after)

tiffanysbride · May 2011

I do understand the brother aspect, although my brother has serious substance abuse problems and is finally facing some legal consequences in June. I'd be lying if I hadn't though about what we'd do if DS was ruining his life and how awful that would be as a parent. I just remind myself that we are not my parents and are raising DS differently. You don't know all of your brother's life experiences even in his youth, try and remember there isn't a genetic component to what he choose to do with his life. Besides a girl or boy could make the same choices.

I feel like I just rambled w/o help, sorry. Just try and remember that you can't predict your child's future, no matter what baggage you're dealing with.

BobbiJanay07 · May 2011

Hugs.

TeacherVicky · May 2011

PP's all had great things to say. Focus on this new life that will get to learn from you and DH.

((Hugs))

lauralizabee · May 2011

As a grown young man at 24 years old, my little brother is terrified that he's going to end up like my uncle. My parents and his two adoring sisters assure him that we will NOT allow that to happen to him, but I he still worries about it sometimes.

My parents were such amazing parents....family is extremely important to us, but they were very real with us about our uncle's problems (alcoholic, abusive, makes really destructive decisions), and used the situations as teachable moments for us to make sure we understood that we can love our family, but it's okay to keep them at a safe distance...and that his behavior is absolutely not acceptable. My brother is smart enough to realize that the decisions he makes are GOOD decisions, and has indeed learned a lot from my uncle's mistakes.

I'm totally rambling and I don't know what else to say or what's even helpful. IF you find out you're having a little boy next week, you know that you and your husband will do everything you can to make sure that little boy has everything he needs...and you will absolutely love and adore him with everything you have. You cannot change what happened with your brother, but your child's life will be just that...your child's life, not your brother's.

Just sending you hugs....

Mom2Cinderella · May 2011

Your baby will be his or her own person. I agree with others. Your baby will learn morals, ethics, manners, etc mostly from you and your DH. But I don't think the drama you described is genetic. Just love your baby whether boy or girl and he or she will likely turn out fine. Your worry is probably just because of your association.

D&D4Ever7 · May 2011

I am glad I let this off my chest. I am sitting here just tearing up reading all your responses. This is a extremely hard topic for me to talk to anyone. It builds so much inside since I don't talk about it much to anyone. I really appreciate all your support. I am going to try to clear my mind from all this negative thinking before my appointment next week and think about all the fun things I want to do with my child.

MrsAtch · May 2011

It goes back to the nature/nurture debate. Almost all of the literature says that children are more influenced by the environment they grow up in and the things they learn from who they are surrounded by. You and your DH are going to be amazing parents and your LO is going to take after you. It's okay to be worried, but know that statistically the likelihood of your LO turning out like your brother is almost non-existent unless you and your DH start acting like him. You're going to be awesome.

Eris-Alexis · May 2011

Your baby, whether boy or girl, is going to be more influenced by you and YH than by any genetic tie to your brother. As PP said, I would be more concerned about your brother's influence were he to come back into your life.

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