I am very stressed out, advice PLEASE - long (NBR)

rach10782 · May 2011

About three months ago my husband got a call from one of the big 4 accounting firms (he currently works at EY). After months of meeting with people he was given a fantastic offer. He was extremely excited about the new job and couldn't stop talking about it. About a week and a half ago he gave notice at his current job. For those who don't know the way it works at the big 4 is you give notice and they do everything they possibly can to get you to stay. One of the people he met with to talk about leaving told him there is a need in San Francisco. Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.

I told him I was more than happy to discuss any opportunity that comes up along the way in his career, and I really meant it. However, California is very far away from NY. BOTH of our families are right here. My father is very ill and cannot get on a 6 hour plane ride. I am incredibly close to my parents and sister who all live within 10 minutes of us. We plan on having another child soon. I cannot wrap my head around moving the family to the other side of the country when visiting with family would be something that might only happen once a year.

For some reason my husband thought when he brought this up to me my response would be "sure honey, whatever you want." He is so resentful that my answer was not an immediate yes. The job opportunity is slightly better than the one he has in NY but it's hardly by a landslide. He is so angry and being such a child he won't even have a conversation with me about it. I was and still am more than willing to talk it out and consider it. However, after the way he treated me it is so difficult for me to take emotion out of it. Deep down I do feel like staying is the right decision. I guess I can't just pick up and move to the other side of the country because he really loves California. I think if he didn't have the other great job opportunity here there would be a better chance of me going. I just can't imagine moving 3,000 miles away from everyone and everything to have another baby with a husband who is working 80 hours a week. Am I being unreasonable? Should I be putting his wants ahead of mine because he is the one who has to provide? I guess I just feel like isn't it better to take the other job that he was thrilled about before hearing about SF so we can stay near our families. It is just so important to me that my children be raised around the people I think are so wonderful. Honestly, please tell me if you think I am out of line.

Stacyc625 · May 2011

Honestly- from a professional opinion- I would NEVER consider a counter offer. Moving across the country or not. If you make the decision to leave a company- and you have another job- professionally it is best to accept the new position.

I have worked in the big 4 before.

i know that doesn't help you with your decision- and your DH's wishes to move- but that is my professional opinion (especially with being in that industry)

rach10782 · May 2011

Stacyc625:
Honestly- from a professional opinion- I would NEVER consider a counter offer. Moving across the country or not. If you make the decision to leave a company- and you have another job- professionally it is best to accept the new position.
I have worked in the big 4 before.
i know that doesn't help you with your decision- and your DH's wishes to move- but that is my professional opinion (especially with being in that industry)

THANK YOU - I said that to him because I used to work at EY also. No dice though. He is being a baby about the entire situation. He wants to go back to California because he WANTS TO.

Dochas · May 2011

rach10782:
About three months ago my husband got a call from one of the big 4 accounting firms (he currently works at EY). After months of meeting with people he was given a fantastic offer. He was extremely excited about the new job and couldn't stop talking about it. About a week and a half ago he gave notice at his current job. For those who don't know the way it works at the big 4 is you give notice and they do everything they possibly can to get you to stay. One of the people he met with to talk about leaving told him there is a need in San Francisco. Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.
I told him I was more than happy to discuss any opportunity that comes up along the way in his career, and I really meant it. However, California is very far away from NY. BOTH of our families are right here. My father is very ill and cannot get on a 6 hour plane ride. I am incredibly close to my parents and sister who all live within 10 minutes of us. We plan on having another child soon. I cannot wrap my head around moving the family to the other side of the country when visiting with family would be something that might only happen once a year.
For some reason my husband thought when he brought this up to me my response would be "sure honey, whatever you want." He is so resentful that my answer was not an immediate yes. The job opportunity is slightly better than the one he has in NY but it's hardly by a landslide. He is so angry and being such a child he won't even have a conversation with me about it. I was and still am more than willing to talk it out and consider it. However, after the way he treated me it is so difficult for me to take emotion out of it. Deep down I do feel like staying is the right decision. I guess I can't just pick up and move to the other side of the country because he really loves California. I think if he didn't have the other great job opportunity here there would be a better chance of me going. I just can't imagine moving 3,000 miles away from everyone and everything to have another baby with a husband who is working 80 hours a week. Am I being unreasonable? Should I be putting his wants ahead of mine because he is the one who has to provide? I guess I just feel like isn't it better to take the other job that he was thrilled about before hearing about SF so we can stay near our families. It is just so important to me that my children be raised around the people I think are so wonderful. Honestly, please tell me if you think I am out of line.

What did you think about this as you planned a life together? If not now, when? My DH and I were both born and raised in NYC. When we started dating I knew that he wanted to leave NY. Before we took any permanent steps I examined my own wants and dreams to see if moving away was something I could do. I would never have married him if I couldn't leave NY. I wouldn't have married him if his dream was to live someplace I had no desire to go.

Will you ever move to CA? Talk to your DH and tell him when you think it would be a good time to do it.

littlemermaid · May 2011

Statistically it is better for a marriage and the people in the marriage to stay where there is a support system, especially when you have children. Does the new offer take into consideration the higher cost of living in CA? If he had no job this would be a no brainer but since this is not the case I would tell him that it is very important to you especially since you are a sahm to have your support system nearby.

EnglishMajor03 · May 2011

This isn't the same situation but DH and I dated all through college and when we graduated we had the whole "who's moving where" conversation. At that time my mom had just be dx'd with breast cancer so there was no way I was leaving her or my hometown. Luckily, DH had no issues leaving Maine; although growing up there he felt no connection to the state. Unfortunately, my mom passed away 4 years after we graduated but I thank God that I stayed close and was able to spend that time with her.

I personally love Maine and if we didn't have kids I'd move there in a heartbeat but my family and support system are in Manchester. We'd be at a loss without them.

JOEBunny · May 2011

I have made it very clear to DH that there is no way in hell I would move to where he grew up (Boston). No thanks. Keep your cold and snow. Do you think that he might be mad because he thought you were on board and went down a rabbit hole at work thinking you would be excited about it, and now, he is surprised you are not on the same page. If it where me, I would take San Fran over NYC any day, but obviously, you have a lot of ties to NYC and he needs to respect that. I would sit down with him and go through your fears/concerns and find out why he really wants to move there, and see what you can come up with. Good luck. It is never an easy decision and every city has + and -.

Spenjamins · May 2011

Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.

It sounds like he has been honest and upfront with you and you chose to ignore it and gamble on the chance it would never happen. And now you are the one being a baby about it. Not him.

JMB22 · May 2011

In your situation, I would want to stay in NY too.

eaglesfan700 · May 2011

I think there is a big difference between your H saying "eventually, someday I would like to move back to CA" and saying "I want to do it right now, while you are pg and I am working 80 hours a week". Just because he mentioned it in the past doesn't make it a contract signed in blood that you have to do whenever he wants

OP, had you had conversations in the past about a timeframe for moving to CA? I would not want to move to a new city, across the country from all my family and friends with one young child and another on the way - especially since you won't get a lot of help from your H. You are not being unreasonable

notreallyirish · May 2011

eaglesfan700:

I think there is a big difference between your H saying "eventually, someday I would like to move back to CA" and saying "I want to do it right now, while you are pg and I am working 80 hours a week". Just because he mentioned it in the past doesn't make it a contract signed in blood that you have to do whenever he wants

OP, had you had conversations in the past about a timeframe for moving to CA? I would not want to move to a new city, across the country from all my family and friends with one young child and another on the way - especially since you won't get a lot of help from your H. You are not being unreasonable

I agree with this. There are a lot of things DH and I have said we would like to do, but that is different from the things we are likely to do. We are dealing with a similar situation right now in that DH is going to finish his residency soon and has to decide where to look for/take a job. He is likely to get a better offer here, but I would much prefer to be close to my family while my DS is young and as we have more kids. We have not closed the door on staying where we are, but DH understands that as a SAHM it would be much easier for me to deal with life in general with my family around.

It is possible to make friends and meet people to form a circle of friends and support, but it is difficult, takes time and is still unlikely to be as helpful and unconditional as your family (assuming you have a strong relationship with your family, which it sounds like you do). For you moving to a new place with a young child and a new baby would make it very difficult to meet new people and get involved in activities for quite a while. Your DH would have a built in social network at his job, but you would need to make a concerted effort to meet people. If the job is only slightly better, in my mind the desire to live in a place because it is pretty and enjoyable is not nearly as important a factor as having a strong support structure. Look at it as being a SAHM is your job. DH's job will be slightly better, but yours will be way worse.

hellopoppyseed · May 2011

Well here's another perspective. Last year I moved thousands of miles away from family while pregnant and with a 9mo. I had never been to our current city before and I never saw my house before the day I moved in. Before we got married, dh told me that he wanted a career and I understood that we would be following his career. He is in the military so I was aware that we would be moving a lot. We did have a choice of where we would go first. We talked about it and dh was interested in my perpective. Ultimately though, I wanted him to make the best choice for his career. If I knew he was making the best choice for his career, I could be completely supportive. Since moving here, I have made lots of friends and I do have a real support system here. It didn't take long either. Every place has it's advantages and disadvantages and your attitude really makes the difference. I am sorry about your dad being ill. It is hard to leave the home you know. But there are wonderful opportunities everywhere.

englishviola · May 2011

I'm worried I'll be in this position in a few years!

Whoever is "right" or "wrong" -- you both have to be able to discuss it. Can you give it a day or two to both cool off, then discuss it from a neutral standpoint?

I'm sorry, that's a tough situation.

MAprincess · May 2011

To me, the biggest issue is that he is not at all looking at how this will affect you and why it might be hard for you. You didn't immediately say, "No, never". But can't see see that this would be a big change for you also? He'll have automatic people to meet through work but you will be virtually on your own in a strange city with small children and no support. Did he address this and suggest to you ways that he will help? Or at least show he was sympathetic to the fact that it would be hard for you?

Also, as you said, it is not like it is a landslide super promotion with the salary doubled. There will be many more costs to moving out there (including frequent trips back home). Will his raise account for that? Also, since you don't know people out there, you might have to pay for more activities to meet people, pay for more baby sitters, etc etc. The move might ultimately be more costly than you realize.

The bottom line is that a decision this big requires a lot of thought. I am not saying you should go or you should stay. But he needs to be open to the fact that this decision affects the entire family and your feelings should at least be heard.

Good luck!

rach10782 · May 2011

Dochas:
rach10782:
About three months ago my husband got a call from one of the big 4 accounting firms (he currently works at EY). After months of meeting with people he was given a fantastic offer. He was extremely excited about the new job and couldn't stop talking about it. About a week and a half ago he gave notice at his current job. For those who don't know the way it works at the big 4 is you give notice and they do everything they possibly can to get you to stay. One of the people he met with to talk about leaving told him there is a need in San Francisco. Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.
I told him I was more than happy to discuss any opportunity that comes up along the way in his career, and I really meant it. However, California is very far away from NY. BOTH of our families are right here. My father is very ill and cannot get on a 6 hour plane ride. I am incredibly close to my parents and sister who all live within 10 minutes of us. We plan on having another child soon. I cannot wrap my head around moving the family to the other side of the country when visiting with family would be something that might only happen once a year.
For some reason my husband thought when he brought this up to me my response would be "sure honey, whatever you want." He is so resentful that my answer was not an immediate yes. The job opportunity is slightly better than the one he has in NY but it's hardly by a landslide. He is so angry and being such a child he won't even have a conversation with me about it. I was and still am more than willing to talk it out and consider it. However, after the way he treated me it is so difficult for me to take emotion out of it. Deep down I do feel like staying is the right decision. I guess I can't just pick up and move to the other side of the country because he really loves California. I think if he didn't have the other great job opportunity here there would be a better chance of me going. I just can't imagine moving 3,000 miles away from everyone and everything to have another baby with a husband who is working 80 hours a week. Am I being unreasonable? Should I be putting his wants ahead of mine because he is the one who has to provide? I guess I just feel like isn't it better to take the other job that he was thrilled about before hearing about SF so we can stay near our families. It is just so important to me that my children be raised around the people I think are so wonderful. Honestly, please tell me if you think I am out of line.
What did you think about this as you planned a life together? If not now, when? My DH and I were both born and raised in NYC. When we started dating I knew that he wanted to leave NY. Before we took any permanent steps I examined my own wants and dreams to see if moving away was something I could do. I would never have married him if I couldn't leave NY. I wouldn't have married him if his dream was to live someplace I had no desire to go.
Will you ever move to CA? Talk to your DH and tell him when you think it would be a good time to do it.

My issue with the whole thing isn't that I won't or would never go. It is that he is upset that I didn't immediately say "ok, whatever you want." Of course I will consider it, I knew it's something he would be excited about. He is just refusing to understand why I didn't say yes right away.

rach10782 · May 2011

Spenjamins:
Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.
It sounds like he has been honest and upfront with you and you chose to ignore it and gamble on the chance it would never happen. And now you are the one being a baby about it. Not him.

I said he was being a baby because he is throwing tantrums that I didn't say "absolutely, whatever you want." I am not being a baby because I am more than willing to discuss our options. I don't feel that just because he has mentioned it in the past I needed to say yes without discussing anything.

littlemermaid · May 2011

rach10782:
Spenjamins:

Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.

It sounds like he has been honest and upfront with you and you chose to ignore it and gamble on the chance it would never happen. And now you are the one being a baby about it. Not him.

I said he was being a baby because he is throwing tantrums that I didn't say "absolutely, whatever you want." I am not being a baby because I am more than willing to discuss our options. I don't feel that just because he has mentioned it in the past I needed to say yes without discussing anything.

You are not being unreasonable. Yes we all have dreams of what we would like to do and where we would like to go but when you get married that decision has to be the best for BOTH people in it. He needs to look at how this move affects your life too, not just his.

Rebekah1021 · May 2011

I hope you guys work this out. I will add this though. I think you need to think of your DH before your family. He's the one you are married to. He's the one paying the bills.

If your dad is ill you can fly to him and see him.

Dochas · May 2011

rach10782:
Dochas:
rach10782:
About three months ago my husband got a call from one of the big 4 accounting firms (he currently works at EY). After months of meeting with people he was given a fantastic offer. He was extremely excited about the new job and couldn't stop talking about it. About a week and a half ago he gave notice at his current job. For those who don't know the way it works at the big 4 is you give notice and they do everything they possibly can to get you to stay. One of the people he met with to talk about leaving told him there is a need in San Francisco. Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.
I told him I was more than happy to discuss any opportunity that comes up along the way in his career, and I really meant it. However, California is very far away from NY. BOTH of our families are right here. My father is very ill and cannot get on a 6 hour plane ride. I am incredibly close to my parents and sister who all live within 10 minutes of us. We plan on having another child soon. I cannot wrap my head around moving the family to the other side of the country when visiting with family would be something that might only happen once a year.
For some reason my husband thought when he brought this up to me my response would be "sure honey, whatever you want." He is so resentful that my answer was not an immediate yes. The job opportunity is slightly better than the one he has in NY but it's hardly by a landslide. He is so angry and being such a child he won't even have a conversation with me about it. I was and still am more than willing to talk it out and consider it. However, after the way he treated me it is so difficult for me to take emotion out of it. Deep down I do feel like staying is the right decision. I guess I can't just pick up and move to the other side of the country because he really loves California. I think if he didn't have the other great job opportunity here there would be a better chance of me going. I just can't imagine moving 3,000 miles away from everyone and everything to have another baby with a husband who is working 80 hours a week. Am I being unreasonable? Should I be putting his wants ahead of mine because he is the one who has to provide? I guess I just feel like isn't it better to take the other job that he was thrilled about before hearing about SF so we can stay near our families. It is just so important to me that my children be raised around the people I think are so wonderful. Honestly, please tell me if you think I am out of line.
What did you think about this as you planned a life together? If not now, when? My DH and I were both born and raised in NYC. When we started dating I knew that he wanted to leave NY. Before we took any permanent steps I examined my own wants and dreams to see if moving away was something I could do. I would never have married him if I couldn't leave NY. I wouldn't have married him if his dream was to live someplace I had no desire to go.
Will you ever move to CA? Talk to your DH and tell him when you think it would be a good time to do it.
My issue with the whole thing isn't that I won't or would never go. It is that he is upset that I didn't immediately say "ok, whatever you want." Of course I will consider it, I knew it's something he would be excited about. He is just refusing to understand why I didn't say yes right away.

Try not to hold his initial reaction against him. Part of his reaction might have a lot to do with him knowing it isn't a good time or the right time. Maybe he's just blowing up for a lot of reasons and being rash. We all get a few of those moments in life.

I hope I didn't come off as accusatory. I was just being brief with my response.

J&A2008 · May 2011

Spenjamins:

Since I have met my husband he has told me he would love to move back to California. He was born and raised there. He moved to NY in 2002. I honestly never thought an opportunity would come up right near where he was raised.

It sounds like he has been honest and upfront with you and you chose to ignore it and gamble on the chance it would never happen. And now you are the one being a baby about it. Not him.

This was my thought, too. So, everytime he mentioned it, you dismissed it in your head with "that won't ever really happen..."

I think you've got some work to do. If you just smiled and nodded when he mentioned moving to SF since you met him, of course he's confused and upset that you're not onboard.

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I am very stressed out, advice PLEASE - long (NBR)

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