How do I tell MIL she's not really welcome?

katieandjeffie · May 2011

I am being induced on Sunday and already dealing with anxiety. My MIL is coming tomorrow night so she can be here for the birth but I really don't want her in the room with me (alone) while I labor. I am worried she's going to get her feelings hurt because I want my mom and sister there with me (along with DH).

She is staying with us and we have to be responsible for her transportation. The hospital is 45 minutes away and I don't want to show up for my induction with her in tow. This is my first baby and I am already dealing with the upset of not being able to go into labor on my own and be at home for a while first. She is sweet woman but she is too much for me. My family is not lovey dovey, huggy kissy, and she overdoes it and makes me feel uncomfortable all the time.

I haven't run this by my mom yet but I am hoping she goes for it. I am scheduled to go in at 8, so I want to get settled in and then have her come with MIL around 11 or 12. I am worried the MIL will insist that she comes with us at 8. This is both of our mom's first grandchild and I know they don't want to miss anything. However, if I had gone into labor on my own I wouldn't have called anyone until I got to the hospital (hopefully already dilated to 4 or 5).

She stresses me out because I feel like I am not up to her standards of "lovey"ness and excitement. I don't want to feel that anxiety on top of worrying about having a baby. I think I just don't want her there until other people are there and I have a better handle on what is happening. I already expressed a little bit of this to DH and he wasn't offended but I could see he was hesitant to agree with me. What do I do, what did you do, help?!?

Thanks for listening, I'm sure you all have more important things to be doing. (Hopefully taking care of babies!)

cetzler25 · May 2011

We're planning a homebirth and my MIL and Mom are trying to be there... HA. HA. We live in a small studio apartment and I can NOT handle that. We just had to sit down each parent and tell them that this is OUR baby and OUR family and that we want it to be the best experience possible. We told them we may or may NOT call them when we go into labor and that we just wanted the midwife and eachother there. I may have my sister (who is also a MW and one of my best friends) come in for support and help.. both mom's were pissed and hurt. His mom got in her mind that she wasn't going to be invited to see the baby for like 3 weeks... don't ask where she got that from, but she's been playing the martyr non-stop and keeps crying about it. Just remember, you and your husband made this baby. You're in going to raise it and YOU are the one delivering it. It's all about YOUR experience and what YOU want. This is your one time in life to be selfish. If your mom and sister is what you want then you have EVERY right. I think it's really important for the baby to bond with Mom and Dad first and foremost and then grandmom/aunts ect... especially your first. This is a huge change in your life and you guys are becoming a family. I would just make sure your husband talks a lot and communicates why... so you don't look like the bad guy. The last thing you need is a guilt trip before going through this process. It's SO hard and everyone thinks they're entitled to something, but they're not. This is for you and what's best for your baby! Good luck!!! I KNOW it's REALLY hard! Just have a good calm talk with your hubby about your fears and why you wouldn't want here in there and I'm sure he'd understand. This is a huge moment for you that is full of unknowns.. it's pretty scary and surreal!

UndecidedChange · May 2011

You don't.

You tell your DH to tell her that.

That is definitely his job.

MrsDL · May 2011

I agree with pp - it's DH's job to tell her. He doesn't have to say "mom - DW says you're not welcome" - he simply should explain that inductions can be long, stressful, and sometimes unpredictable and that he doesn't feel you need the added stress of an audience, you need to focus on what is going on. She'll meet her grandchild soon enough. Don't worry about feeling bad or hurting feelings - you have enough to focus on, it's not your problem and it is your decision.

Swimfly35 · May 2011

I don't care whose job it is. Just tell her.

You are clearly a kind and sensitive person, but you need to put your foot down. She'll get over it once she sees her grandbaby (and frankly, sees you in a hot mess, which you will be). Be sure your husband can and will back you up-- whatever it takes. You can put your mom up for interference as well.

If she does weasel her way in, you can just wait for a good contraction and yell at her to get the F out of the room. Then you can apologize and blame it the hormones and pain. Wink

katieandjeffie · May 2011

Thanks ladies! I really needed that.

I was starting to feel like I was being a jerk. I talked with DH and he is going to talk to his mom. He agrees with me and I know he loves me so much he'd do anything to make me happy.

I am so anxious to meet this LO tomorrow I know I won't be able to sleep tonight!

rjveldman · May 2011

If it were me - I'd let her know that your induction is scheduled for 8 and that you'll call her and let her know when anything exciting happens. That way the balls in your court to give the say-so when you want her there. Personally, with my own induction, I just wanted my husband and mom there. Too many people would have been too much.

meghanchrisaz · May 2011

Just tell her you aren't comfortable having her in the room. She can wait outside until you are all cleaned up and meet the baby then (if you are comfortable with that).