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Parenting after a Loss
I'm so over everything (vent)
DH is a freaking alcoholic...he goes drinking every night after work with the guys! I'm tired of it being a Friday night at 6:46pm and my husband has been off for 3 hours...but out with his friends. He just called to see if we have eaten anything, he's going to bring food home. He thinks that this is going to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about the situation and not get pissed.
Well....TOO LATE!!!
We have no money!! My mom/dad are having to pitch in financially right now because we are having to save for Summer (I won't be working). DS has to be in bed by 8pm ( He's already crying every two minutes which means it might be earlier!!) DD is falling asleep on the couch...she's definitely exhausted!
I just want to scream!!!!! I've been crying on and off since I came home today. WTF!?!?!
Someone just freaking tell me it's all going to be ok!! Because, right now, there's no light at the end of this tunnel : (
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Re: I'm so over everything (vent)
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, but haven't you been trying to get pg? Is this a recent development?
I'm so sorry. I don't have any experience with DH out drinking socially, but I have reamed him on a few occasions (since we've had DD) when he would go "hide out" in the garage and drink a half a bottle of whiskey. These occasions would be few and far in between, but I do not like who he is with some whiskey on board, and he knows it. Despite our problems with communication (and marriage in general lately), he has agreed that it is a problem behavior, and tries not to do it. He drinks with me, or just has a beer. So your situation would drive me crazy too.
Does your DH think that he has a problem? Would he be willing to rectify the situation if he knew how badly you felt, or does he know how you feel?
I'm not sure that I have any great advice, but he's willing to get help with a true alcholism problem, or just change his behavior, I bet things could work out just fine.
(((HUGS)))
m/c 12/25/09 (5w5d) mm/c D&C 4/9/10 (11w1d) Take home baby 2/22/11
My boobies belong to cour10e
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cb8c4.aspx[/img][/url]
Yes...we are trying to get pregnant...more me than him : (. And I know it won't fix things. But I don't want to NOT have kids because of his issues. They come and go...and right now he is in a very bad patch again. The children are usually in bed by time he gets home. In all honesty...sometimes I find myself in denial...and I won't deny that. He's a great father & a very loving husband...he just has a problem that I wish was an easy fix!
No, he doesn't think he has a problem at all. He thinks that because he can drink 15 beers and be "fine" it just is because he's built up his tolerance...NOT a sign of an alcoholic. We all know that's bullshit. But...I love him...I married him and want to stick by him. He has an issue...and it definitely needs to be adressed.. But no one can fix him but himself : (
He definitely know's how I feel. Hence the fact I just had pizza brought to my front door step....already paid for and everything. He still thinks of us. But...I just would much rather like to see him at home with us...than out drinking with his co-workers : (
I know a baby won't help things...and I know that we probably shouldn't TTC...but at the same time...we are and that's our choice. He is a great father & husband. He's out drinking at night...home after the kids go to bed. But he works hard & cleans/cooks...and he loves our children. Sometimes I think he does more with them than I do. He only drinks at night...never during the day(or atleast I don't know that he is...I've never seen it). And it's usually around dinner when he starts...but only has a beer or two before the kids go to sleep. It's after they sleep that it gets bad.
Kathy, I don't hate you or anything. I know your honest...I respect that. Just sometimes...not everyone needs to hear it in such a harsh way. Your a good person...I know that : )
Not really needing the sarcasm right now....thanks! Just because you don't agree with our decision...doesn't mean you have to be nasty about it.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. -Eleanor Roosevelt
After 1 year of TTC#2 BFP May 2011 m/c #3 4w2d. Off to RE.
Round 1: Femara + Ovidrel +TI = BFP! EDD 2/20/12
2IF does not always equal 3IF...Surprise!
I know you are going to not like this, but I agree 100% with Jeny. It sounds like you guys have some major issues to deal with and it really isn't fair to bring another child in the mix until you work out the issues. You may think it doesn't affect your children - but it DOES. He is not around to see them to bed, to have dinner with them, etc. And I recall a similar post by you a few months ago about him coming home drunk and you had to send the kids to bed early or something. You are seriously lying to yourself if you think this doesn't affect them.
And don't let me get started on the financial aspects of this post.
Summer 2011
Agree with the pps. No more kids until DH gets help. Because if he doesn't, your kids will get to be the age when they DO notice that Daddy is drunk and that will affect them for the rest of their lives. I grew up with a father who drank too much (he still does), and while I know that he loves me and he's always been a good father and a good provider, it definitely caused me to change the way I interacted with him and affected our relationship. Even as an adult, I had to tell him not to drink too much at my wedding so that I wasn't embarrassed in front of our guests. It really is something that a child carries with them into adulthood. Don't do that to another innocent child.
Your finances are another story. Get yourselves into a position where you are financially independent. Do the best you can to provide for the children you already have and make the responsible, mature decision to wait until you can manage without family assistance. You have two very big (and serious) issues to figure out before you have any more kids.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I totally understand your desire to have another baby (I know how that desire can be an almost undeniable force in our lives). But I have to agree with pp, because as fed up as you are, based on the info you shared about finances and drinking, another LO depending on you (as much as you will love them) is only going to make things harder--- not just on you (believe me, frustration will continue to build up), but on your 2 beautiful children that rely on you for stability and will have to share you and DH with the new baby.
My dad was a social drinker that my SM labeled as an alcoholic at some point in their marriage. I never really thought of him that way. But if I was married to him I might. I do remember he wasn't always home at night (out with friends) and things got more difficult for me as the new babies piled up (my SM had 3)-- both in terms of the attention (or lack thereof) and my SM's frustration with the situation.
I'm not saying this to be mean or anything, but, I think you need some therapy yourself if you think it's a good idea to have another child with an alcoholic. Aside from the fact that you yourself are enabling him to drink with this attitude of "well, I know he has a problem, but whatever" something like alanon would probably be beneficial.
FWIW: I am a child of an alcoholic that only 'drank when the kids went to bed" trust me when I tell you this, it's still harmful to the children, they will catch on, they will see his addiction, that I can promise. There will be NO light at the end of the tunnel if you keep on normalizing abnormal behavior.
I hope you do not take offense. But this is not healthy. Not for you. Not for your kids.
Labor Buddy to Blowfish11
I'm going to sidestep the financial aspects of this post (and the responses). ?I hear what you're saying about not wanting to not have children b/c your DH has problems with drinking/responsibility. ?But is that really fair to your existing children, or to any other children you would bring into the world? ?I agree with your own assessment: you're in denial, especially about the impact this is having on your children. ?You may want to do some research about the children of alcoholics and the psychological impact on their lives. ?And no, the parent doesn't have to drink in the child's presence for alcoholism to have an impact.
I've very sorry you're going through this, and that this may impact your dream of having more children. ?But I think you need to give some thought to working on your marriage and your DH's problems before having more children. ?GL and I hope things get better soon.?
I don't think it's judgment so much as "god, this is a BAD idea, what are you thinking". If someone told you that they were ttcing with a meth addict, what would you think? Addiction is addiction and throwing innocent children into that is unfair. I know b/c I've lived it.
Labor Buddy to Blowfish11
I would think what every other rational person would think... it's a bad decision. But I certainly would not have come across like some of those posts did. I had an opinion about her post - it's only natural to. But, there's a fine line between offering some advice and telling someone how to live their life (and what they should do with their ute).
I've lived with an addict too Shell, my entire childhood actually. Parts of my childhood were very bad (I could tell of plenty of awful incidents if I cared to), and even taking all that into consideration I don't think anyone would have had to the right to tell my mother she should not have conceived me with my father (who is a great father btw, but had some serious issues that he did eventually work through). My parents intentionally conceived me, and despite the issues we worked through as a family, I have always felt loved and well cared for.
I get everyone has an opinion. It's only natural. But let's just be honest, several of these posts are not coming from a place of wanting to offer some friendly advice. They were judgemental. Bottom line. Not all of them, but a few.
I have seem numerous posts from others who've also discussed questionable behavior from their SO, or talked about making purchases even though they have financial issues, and other side eye worthy behavior, but I've never seen a reaction like this towards them. There have been several people who've come on here with a BFP or are TTC, and have posted about what I would consider some serious marital issues that should be worked through first. But everyone was all "congrats" and "hope you get your BFP soon", "gl". I know she is an AW (I have to ignore most of her posts honestly), so it's easy to not exercise as much restraint when responding to her posts. But still, some of these replies were a bit uncalled for.
My parents are both alcoholics. And in the past I've had problems with alcohol. I know how hard it can be to live with that person and to be that person. In the case of my family, it is/was a way to self-medicate. Our family has a lot of issues, mostly mental, and it was just easier to drown yourself in alcohol than face your problems and/or go to a doctor and get real medication.
BTW,
https://articles.philly.com/2011-03-21/news/29171590_1_train-car-crash-victim-freight-train-camden-county
^That is my former BIL. He was obliterated by the train after leaving the bar to go home for the night. He also didn't think he had a problem. Now my niece has no father. I'm just thankful he didn't have anyone else in the car and it didn't involve any other motorists.
BFP 07/03/09, no fetal pole 08/11/09, miscarriage 08/22/09
BFP 05/10/10, Rhys Padrig born 01/27/11
FIL is in AA and has been sober for over 15 years. He will tell you better than anyone that the faster he hits bottom, the faster he will realize what he is doing and get his $h!t together. (FIl tried "sobering up" like 3 times before it finally "stuck"). Unfortunately, this means that you will have to make tough decisions so that you can take care of your kids and yourself first and foremost. If you pack up and leave (will your Mom and Dad take you in for the summer?) it might give him a wake-up call. FIL says that "talking" doesn't do much, it just brings up the defenses. Taking action speaks a lot louder than words. Just write him a note telling him what's up, and when he is ready to leave his "mistress" (aka the alcohol), that you will be waiting. You love him, but can't stand how he thinks alcohol is more important (in essence, cheating on you and the kids).
Him sobering up won't make him a different person, but rather he will be the same person, but not always drunk. Many women think that somehow things will be hunky dorey once the alcohol is gone, but things actually get more real- and there are no more excuses for the problems (no "it's the alcohol talking," or "if only if you weren't drunk all the time", etc.) Good luck! It's nothing either of you did, some people's brains are just more prone to addiction than others- (just like some people are more prone to obesity and heart disease), it's hereditary- but it's not a final sentence- with hard work, people can control their disease.
FIl is a great dad and Grandpa, and has been even since before he sobered up. Alcoholism doesn't make a person a horrible person, just like being obese doesn't make people "horrible," but not taking care of the condition will affect the person's loved ones- (social/emotional effects, the extra medical expenses because of the disease, and the constant fear of the person's early death)
Talk to someone from AA or Alanon, you need more information about what this disease entails- but only your husband can take the steps to get his drinking under control.
My Blog
I really have to agree with this. Maybe I am more sympathetic because DH and I do have some marital issues, but people have still been very supportive of me, and it has been a god-send.
Wow. I'm really glad my mom didn't choose to stick by my alcoholic father. Sorry, some things aren't worth sticking around for, and raising your kids while condoning his behavior will not change the cycle of alcoholism. Fast forward 20 years and think of how your kids will be handling their problems after they've watched you and your DH handle yours. Don't be a doormat.
You are a poster child for Al-Anon and you really should check it out before you ruin your possible future unborn child. Alcoholism is not a stable thing for any child at any age, let alone a baby.
Also, aren't you already struggling with some learning disabilities with your DS and your DD? Why don't you start focusing on them first and getting them the help and support they need before bringing another child into this. They are the ones that need your attention right now and having another child will just take away the attention that you should really be giving to them.
And yes, I am being judgey, but that is what you get when you post this type of thing on a PUBLIC INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD. If you wanted un-judgey advice you REALLY should go to AL-Anon. Seriously.
All of this. My parents would be livid if they had to give us $$ but DH was out drinking.
Isabella Faith---Born 12/17/10 via c-section.
Abigail Marie---Born 11/16/12 via c-section