Chronic cancellers?

Strunella · May 2011

How do you handle friends who are chronic cancellers? I just received an email from a friend asking to reschedule our plans for Saturday...this is the THIRD time in a row she's cancelled. It's really nothing new. DH and I were going to ask his parents to watch DS Saturday night so we could go out to dinner with these friends, but we had a high suspicion they'd cancel so we didn't bother.

I want to call her out on it and tell her that we had already secured a sitter (not true) and that I also declined other plans (true). DH says why bother--this is the way they are, and they are not going to change. I just feel like it really inconsiderate and completely disregards our time and schedule.

I have to say, I am really annoyed.

peeper72 · May 2011

BIL is this way. It's super annoying. I think you can let her know that you really made an effort to be able to meet up with them and you're disappointed. I wouldn't expect the behavior to change though. We just take and "plans" with BIL as a mere suggestion that something might happen on that day.

robynlesley · May 2011

Last year I did that to a friend of mine (who got married this past weekend) and when it was brought to my attention, I felt like sh!t and made amends. So as a former offender, I'll say it's rotten and if you want to keep the friendship say something. If not, screw them and move on.

I'm grateful my friend gave me another chance.

BrideBuddies · May 2011

Sounds like you have a date night with just you and the hubby, then!! Make lemonade out of those lemons, girl!

I think we all know people like that. They make plans with you, and then if something "better" comes along, they bail. I guess I'd question how important this friendship is.... is it worth the aggravation and grief you go through with them?

As parents of little ones, we're all in danger of isolating ourselves from friends. It's just too easy to stay home. I know I need to make a better effort to get outside and socialize. Maybe that's their excuse?

EastCoastBride · May 2011

Well, at a minimum, I would never ever change my plans for them. I'd only be available if I had absolutely nothing else going on.

Past that... 3 times? I think the next time they tried to make plans, I'd be honest. "I'd love to see you, but you cancel all the time. I hesitant to make plans with you anymore because I can't rely on you. This past time, I declined other plans because of our plans with you. I don't know why you keep cancelling, but it makes me feel as if we aren't a priority. I dont' know what to say right now. Again, I want to see you, but I really can't keep doing this if you're going to keep bailing.".

momagain2009 · May 2011

As a recovering cancellaholic....you should say something. I never thought that my friends had rearranged their plans for me until it was brought to my attention (yes, a little self absorbed but I didn't mean to be.) I make an effort to either give the friend plenty of notice now if something comes up but I have a rule of "one" now. I only cancel on them (if absolutely necessary) one time.

I feel horrible when I do it but until it was brought to my attention I never did anything to change my behavior.

EastCoastBride · May 2011

Strunella:

DH says why bother--this is the way they are, and they are not going to change.

To this logic, sure, maybe it's true. But you'll never know if you don't speak up at least once! Perhaps if they are actually called on it, they'll realize that it does upset you and that is affects your plans.

They may do it and because no one says "boo" to them about it, they dont' think anyone cares or that it isn't a big deal. Getting called out on it MIGHT shake them up a little!

Strunella · May 2011

EastCoastBride:

Well, at a minimum, I would never ever change my plans for them. I'd only be available if I had absolutely nothing else going on.

Past that... 3 times? I think the next time they tried to make plans, I'd be honest. "I'd love to see you, but you cancel all the time. I hesitant to make plans with you anymore because I can't rely on you. This past time, I declined other plans because of our plans with you. I don't know why you keep cancelling, but it makes me feel as if we aren't a priority. I dont' know what to say right now. Again, I want to see you, but I really can't keep doing this if you're going to keep bailing.".

This is what I think I will do. When we make plans with them, I have nothing else going on that day. But, I get really annoyed when we could have had alternate plans with other friends. I should cancel on them first! HA! Kidding. My friend also rarely offers an explanation for bailing. Last summer, I bought concert tickets and they bailed on the concert (though she paid me for the tickets). They do not have any children, so that's not the issue. And now that we have the baby, we are lining up a sitter too. Yes, DH and I could still go out, but that's not really the point.

Thanks to the cancellaholics for chiming in...good to get your perspective! (And good that you have seen the error of your ways!) Big Smile

ateytelb · May 2011

As PP's already mentioned, I would discuss this issue with the cancellers and see what happens. if they cancel on you again w/o a very good reason then stop making plans with them. Your time is just too important to be wasted.

Mrs_M · May 2011

OMG, we have friends like this and have done it just because something comes up. It does suck!

Our friends who've canceled on us the past 4 times I am not making plans with. They are truly DHs friends and I told him, I am not making plans, so I haven't and they haven't. Its always the same thing, kid is sick. Funny she doesn't mention the kid is sick in her facebook postings, lol.

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