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Postpartum Depression
JBullock10
member
Is this possible? Vent/Need advice
JBullock10
member
I'm currently 21 weeks pg w/ a 7 month old DD. I am like 80% sure that I got PPD w/ my daughter and that it just hasn't went away. There are days when I honestly don't want to deal with being a mother. I'm a SAHM and I love my daughter and most days I'm looking forward to being a mother of 2, but the days that aren't like that are horrible. I don't want to get out of bed, when DD cries I cry out of frustration and exhaustion. She's still waking up every 2 hours after midnight and since my DH sleeps through everything and I can't sleep through anything I'm the one who gets up. Even if he helped at night I would still have to get up to wake him up so he could help so there's really no point added to the fact that he's a complete @$$ when he doesn't get 10-12 hours of sleep. I'm already uncomfortable in this pg and in pain the majority of the day. There are days when I just want to walk out the door and not come back, and it makes me feel like a horrible person and mother. I didn't seek treatment b/c I hate therapy and I didn't want people to judge me for feeling the way I do, but now that it hasn't gone away I'm wondering if I should just suck it up and call the doctor. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want to do things and have fun and make friends in our new town. I feel like a monster and I don't want to be like that.
Thnx for letting me vent.. I just don't know what to do.
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Re: Is this possible? Vent/Need advice
PPD has a way of making you feel like a crazy monster, you know you're a nutso when you seriously think that your family is better off without you here, leaving would be easier than dealing with a crying baby with a diaper full of poop. leaving seems freeing in a way. PPD is also unlike any depression I've ever been through. There's something different about it, something more painful, more pressing, more urgent, more dangerous.
I reached out for help from my OB's office around 7 or 8 months post partum, I'm on the second med to try and I'm at the max dose for it, and today I'm ahving a pretty hard time (which is why I strolled on over here to the PPD board). It gets easier, most of my days recently have been a lot better, It's easy to be ashamed and not want to speak about these feelings because they are embarassing and carry an enormous amount of guilt, but your OBGYN should know how to speak to you so that you don't feel judged. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to go on a medication while pregnant or not, but you may want to talk about the pros and cons with your OB and see what they suggest.
I know this sounds pretty negative, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I'm normally back to my somewhat old self but sometimes the PPD feelings seep into my day and its hard to shake those thoughts for the rest of the day (sometimes more than one day). I really hope that you find peace in everything around you as soon as possible, you really should talk to your OB, if nothing else just to express your feelings and possibly what is going to happen after you deliver this next baby.
Good luck, hang in there, you can conquer this
Honestly, what you are going through does sound similar to the thoughts and feelings I had been having before I talked to my doctor about PPD. You mentioned not wanting to go to therapy, but you may not have to, depending on what your doctor thinks. I described what was going on to mine, and she was able to prescribe a fairly low-dose anti-depressant and estrogen supplement that have helped a ton.
Just know that you are not a bad mother for feeling the way you do. It's tough. Try to be open and honest with your husband about how you are feeling, and don't be afraid to get professional medical help. It's definitely easier when you aren't fighting the battle alone.
"Even if he helped at night I would still have to get up to wake him up so he could help so there's really no point added to the fact that he's a complete @$$ when he doesn't get 10-12 hours of sleep."
I would never put up with this, my husband barely gets 6 hours of sleep and he is never an ***. and i am a sahm.
leaving seems freeing in a way. PPD is also unlike any depression I've ever been through. There's something different about it, something more painful, more pressing, more urgent, more dangerous.
I have had depression most of my life, and I feel like this about PPD also. It was the worst depression I've ever felt, and I also had severe anxiety with PPD when I'd never had anxiety issues before. In the beginning I felt like I couldn't be a mother, was completely overwhelmed, and the idea of having another child still scares the crap out of me. Being near the baby would make me start shaking, and every time she cried I felt like I was going to throw up. That being said, I got on medication in week 3 PP. I also joined a support group for moms with PPD, and the combo has been fabulous for me. The support group is not really therapy, but other moms sharing their stories. Don't feel guilty; there are many women who feel the way you do. I would call the doctor. The medication has done wonders for me, and there are many meds that are safe to take during pregnancy.
This website has great info for PPD:
https://www.postpartum.net/Default.aspx