If you had a miscarriage

PDX7868 · May 2011

As we've started slowly telling people, I have mentioned to some that we are still cautious because I've previously had miscarriages. I still feel like people get very weirded out whenever miscarriages is mentioned. I know it's a bit of an awkward thing, but it kind of makes me sad because there are so many people who go through these losses and just don't talk about it so I try to be a little more open but then wish I just hadn't said anything.

BAMA6639 · May 2011

I know exactly what you mean. It was so hard for me to be excited about this pregnancy at first because of my two previous losses. So I felt I needed to explain to people why I was being so reserved and cautious about who I told. People get weirded out because they don't know what to say. Heck, before I went through eveything I never had any idea what to say either. I never regret telling anyone, though, because like you, I think it needs to be out there more. I'm not sure why there is such a stigma attached to miscarriages.

MusicalMegan · May 2011

I am with you!!! Everyone that I tell I also tell we had a miscarriage and therefore we're being very careful. ?The only people I've regretted telling about the miscarriage have been men. ?They literally have no idea what to say at that point. They look dumbfounded. At the same time I don't feel bad about telling them.... I also wear a tiffany's necklace now thats a bean and people say "IS that a BEAN??!?!" ?and I'll straight up say, yes and its in memory of the baby I lost. I don't know why its such a faux pas to talk about, so many people experience miscarriages and its such a painful thing. ?I can understand if its difficult for the ones who've lost their baby to talk about it with painful memories and things, but if they feel comfortable and feel that it helps them they shouldn't feel unable to. ?... Idk I'm with you though, maybe we can change the world one person at a time and make it more comfortable for us ladies who have experienced that pain to talk about it with others :P

dayjessica · May 2011

I havent told anyone other than parents and grandparents yet about this pregnancy, but everyone knew of my previous miscarriage. I was 11 weeks, and told everyone after our 6 week ultrasound showed a heartbeat. I know what you mean though. People really just avoided me for a while, and then they never brought it up, not even my Mom. If I mention it now, they just seem quiet and change the subject. Im one of those people who find healing through talking about things, so its been rough to feel like I cant talk to anyone about it.

KtotheYtotheM · May 2011

I think it just because people have no idea what to say, or if they should say anything. I don't think there is anything wrong with the sentence you posted, if anything it is commendable that you are so open about it. It just seems like a lot of times people feel it's best to "politely ignore" those kind of statements, probably out of fear that they will somehow make it worse or put their foot in their mouth trying to say the "right" thing.

I had a loss before my DD, and the only people that know about it are close family, so I would be comfortable making a similar statement to them and I have talked about it with some other friends in much the same way, " I feel such and such way due to the loss..." and I haven't really had anyone comment on it, but for me, it just feels right to say it, because I don't know any other way to correctly frame my experience and how I feel. It's been a long time for me and I do feel like I'm healed from the loss, but it's still nice to acknowledge that This is part of my life story. That I have walked this path, because it does change you. My version of WTEWYE speaking of miscarriages states that it kind of a loss of innocence and I agree with that 100%.

dbob · May 2011

We haven't told many people so far, but everyone we told, we also told about the miscarriage and explained that was why we weren't telling many people yet. I agree, it is awkward, but I don't mind telling people about it. I'm obvoiusly not going to go into detail about it, but just hearing that it happens to a lot of people might help someone else going through it. At least knowing it was common helped me.

karaknr · May 2011

I dont tell a lot of people because the m/c happened before we were married and that in and of its self makes the conversation even more awkward, but I DID tell my MIL after we told her we were pregnant because she just wanted to tell the WORLD and it was still way too early. We didnt tell her WHEN it happened, just that it did and she didnt really ask any questions.

Unfortunately Im not sure if I wish I hadnt told her or not because, while she wasnt awkward about the topic, she now seems more worried about the baby than I am. She calls me more than she used to to make sure it's ok (like I wouldnt call her if something happened). It's starting to get irritating.

Im just ready to get out of first Tri so both she and I can breath and stop worrying all the time!

amanda~mm · May 2011

Totally know what you mean. I think people just don't know what to say. I am pretty open about my losses, and talk about them when applicable... I think women should be more open... and shouldn't be made to feel like they should be ashamed for something that was out of their control.

pennynjon · May 2011

I know what you mean. A girl at work just asked why I have to go the doctor every week. I told her because of my history and because I miscarried. She just said "Oh." and looked away. It is hard to talk about.

hart0620 · May 2011

I usually try to let people off the hook a little bit, but letting them know, and then kind of keeping the conversation moving. I have actually been pleasantly surprised by some people and it usually isn't the ones I would expect it from.

I don't regret telling anyone and I continue to tell people because there is no way they would understand who I am and why I am that way, if they didn't know.

It is sad that there is a stigma around miscarraige and hopefullly if we are all a little more open about it, people will understand better.

withsoul · May 2011

our parents/sisters know that our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. They all know we are pregnant again as well. My H and I are planning to tell our extended families Memorial Day weekend, and we plan to briefly overview our infertility story as we announce, including that we had a loss. We feel like it's so much more than just telling people "we're pregnant!" We've been on a long journey that has changed our lives, and we don't want to go further wondering who does or doesn't know we did fertility treatments. It will be awkward, I'm sure, but as pp said, we plan to keep the conversation going so there hopefully won't be that pause where people aren't sure what to say, and we will of course finish with that we are cautiously and excitedly expecting in Dec.! I think a lot of people's reactions also depends on how you present it to them as well.

KtotheYtotheM · May 2011

withsoul:
our parents/sisters know that our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. They all know we are pregnant again as well. My H and I are planning to tell our extended families Memorial Day weekend, and we plan to briefly overview our infertility story as we announce, including that we had a loss. We feel like it's so much more than just telling people "we're pregnant!" We've been on a long journey that has changed our lives, and we don't want to go further wondering who does or doesn't know we did fertility treatments. It will be awkward, I'm sure, but as pp said, we plan to keep the conversation going so there hopefully won't be that pause where people aren't sure what to say, and we will of course finish with that we are cautiously and excitedly expecting in Dec.!I think a lot of people's reactions also depends on how you present it to them as well.

This is very brave of you and I think it's wonderful!

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