Issues with DH, need some support

potbellypig · May 2011

Before I start, I realize how totally misplaced this topic is on a TTC board, but I really need some support. DH and I are always fighting. I don't ever actually think about going through with a divorce (we've been married since sept 2009 and together since june 2005), but sometimes I think it would have been better to not have married him.We're both planners, and we want to start a family, but we are still always fighting. This is obviously a concern. Part of the issue is that I have depression, and so when I bring things up that he does which upset me, I don't feel like he takes me seriously, since he thinks I'm always upset over something. He was my first serious boyfriend (we met when I was 19, he was 18), and we have definitely had a rocky relationship the whole time we've been together.Does anyone else feel the same way? I obviously don't want to ask my friends if they are going through this, it's embarrassing to admit...are these normal thoughts or would I have been better off without?I'm sorry this post is not only not related to TTC but also a downer. We just had another huge fight and I need some support. I'm hurting right now.

potbellypig · May 2011

jefa621:
Sorry doll...I hate fighting. Have you considered couples therapy? I found out after the fact that my BFF and her H went to therapy and she had nothing but wonderful things to say about it. Sometimes it takes the outside perspective to help both people figure out what they need to work on. I must say though, I don't think you should be TTC if your marriage is rocky. You need to heal that before you bring a baby into the middle. I don't really have anything else to offer. I hope you guys can work it out!

This is what stresses me out the most. We TTC'd hard this month, and no AF yet.

MamaWino · May 2011

Apologies if this sounds insensitive... Therapy. Seriously. My ex-husband and I fought ALL THE TIME. Note that he is my ex. Therapy might have helped us but I was already too checked out when we started going. Start now before there's no turning back. Divorce is no fun. Trust me.

politelypink · May 2011

My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.

xnbride · May 2011

politelypink:
My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.

I may be mistaken but I think the OP is already pregnant? I thought she announced it yesterday or something. Maybe it was another bumpie with a pig sn.

Anyways to the OP I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I second the recommendation for therapy and if you are religious I would suggest seeking out a counselor through your church. I think often marital issues stem from a break down in communication so just by talking about these things it will start the healing and restoration process. Good luck and best wishes.

bostonbluejay · May 2011

xnbride:
politelypink:
My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.
I may be mistaken but I think the OP is already pregnant? I thought she announced it yesterday or something. Maybe it was another bumpie with a pig sn.
Anyways to the OP I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I second the recommendation for therapy and if you are religious I would suggest seeking out a counselor through your church. I think often marital issues stem from a break down in communication so just by talking about these things it will start the healing and restoration process. Good luck and best wishes.

This. I swear you said yesterday that you got a faint positive....

petite_cou · May 2011

My SO and I were in the same boat about 6 months ago, he finally told me i needed to get help (for depression & anxiety) or we had to end it, after 3 years being together.

I went to talk to someone and just going to talk to someone (by myself) helped me immensley. Depression really twists your mind into being oversensitive with issues, especially in relationships. My SO would get so frustrated because I ALWAYS thought he was so awful to me. Turns out he was just so frustrated at me always being down, he felt like it was his fault, that he wasn't able to make me happy. When really there was nothing he could have done. It was up to me to feel better. After I got help and got on a low dose of an antidepressant I look back and wish i would have done it years ago when it all first started. ( I was determined not to get on the meds but in the end i guess i needed it to get me back in balance).

Every relationship is different, as is every depression. i'm just giving you my story.

I would at least go talk to someone if I were you. It may make you feel better and able to see things clearly. If you feel better and there are still issues going on between you and your DH talk to him about maybe going to see someone (either alone or together).

clarisa_b · May 2011

xnbride:
Anyways to the OP I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I second the recommendation for therapy and if you are religious I would suggest seeking out a counselor through your church. I think often marital issues stem from a break down in communication so just by talking about these things it will start the healing and restoration process. Good luck and best wishes.

This.

petite_cou · May 2011

potbellypig:
are these normal thoughts or would I have been better off without? I'm sorry this post is not only not related to TTC but also a downer. We just had another huge fight and I need some support. I'm hurting right now.

I can tell you from my experience with depression it's very normal to feel this way. I constantly felt like maybe I should leave. Maybe I'd be happier, then i thought maybe he'd be happier, never having to worry about why i'm not happy. Anyway if you ever want to talk more about this you can PM me.

Geauxmama11 · May 2011

bostonbluejay:
xnbride:
politelypink:
My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.
I may be mistaken but I think the OP is already pregnant? I thought she announced it yesterday or something. Maybe it was another bumpie with a pig sn.
Anyways to the OP I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I second the recommendation for therapy and if you are religious I would suggest seeking out a counselor through your church. I think often marital issues stem from a break down in communication so just by talking about these things it will start the healing and restoration process. Good luck and best wishes.
This. I swear you said yesterday that you got a faint positive....

She posted BFP!!....hoping that she would be getting one soon. A little confusing:)

lovethoseleaves · May 2011

I agree with PP on the couples therapy, but I also would recommend that you try to find a therapist for yourself, if you can. While it may be challenging to find a therapist that you connect with, once you do, the relationship could be life changing. It may be difficult to heal your relationship with DH before you heal yourself.

cosmogirl84 · May 2011

Life can be work. You and DH will always have something to argue about.

I have had some of the most dumb arguments with my husband, and it was all because I was being too sensative to what his response was, and vice-versa.

Maybe, you should take a break/vacation, and think about why you and him are fighting so much. I do think this happens to several relationships on, and off not just mine.

Counseling, and medication may help. But the commitment to make changes in the relationship may not be there, because you both maybe a going through a stubborn period. Maybe, therapy is a good idea.

I recommend to find a great time to talk about why you both are fighting, then try to fix it both willing.

Best Wishes,

R

adoruhbul · May 2011

The best advice that I can give you is basically an echo of the others. Babies do not fix marriages, so before continuing on with TTC, you should definitely work out your issues. Also, once you have a child it makes it much more complicated to get a divorce, should that be the avenue you decide to go down. I really hope you can work things out. All families and couples fight, it's just whether or not the issues are fixable or you want to fix them. If you don't feel like it's a relationship you are happy with anymore, than there's no sense on fixing the issues.

We all at some time or another have had trouble with our husbands in some way or another, you aren't alone should you have any more questions. We may not be a marriage support board, but one thing about a TTC board, 95% (I made that up) are married, can't go wrong there!

Ya Never Know · May 2011

I'm sorry that you guys are going through a rough time, but I have to ask.. are you being treated for your depression? DH became depressed at one point in our marriage, to the point where we were fighting constantly, and DH wanted to leave. We both thought that our relationship was the problem, but couldn't really pinpoint what it was about the relationship that wasn't working.

DH got treated for his depression and things could not be better. Sometimes when you're depressed it's really hard to see what is causing you to feel that way, so it gets misdirected at the relationship. DH was always in such a terrible mood that I was resenting him for it, and my resentment towards him only made him feel worse, and he would spiral further in to depression and resent me for not being supportive of his needs.

When he got treatment through his psychologist, she put him on anti-depressants for a while, while they talked through what the problem was. It ended up being that DH felt like he couldn't get anywhere in life, and he really felt that he needed to go back to school. He didn't even know that that was the real problem, until he could calm down and see clearly.

DH ended up going back to school, taking care of himself, seeing his doctor regularly, and our relationship couldn't be better. I took after him, and sought help for my own generalized anxiety after having doctors for years tell me that I should do something about it.

Our relationship is strong now. We still have the occasional fight, but the dynamics of that have changed. Generally now if we're fighting it's for a valid reason, and not just to be so contrary to each other like it was before.

I know dealing with the depression might not seem like the answer, but it really could be a big part of it, and you may not realize it. Had DH and I not sought help for our own problems, we would have let them ruin our marriage, which would have been terrible, because we've become so much more than we were before.

I hope you guys find your way to a happy place in your relationship, good luck.

lewis0611 · May 2011

phebesx:
Apologies if this sounds insensitive... Therapy. Seriously. My ex-husband and I fought ALL THE TIME. Note that he is my ex. Therapy might have helped us but I was already too checked out when we started going. Start now before there's no turning back. Divorce is no fun. Trust me.

This. I went through a similar situation with my ex and we waited too long to address our issues as well and wound up divorcing after we had my daughter because we made the decision to not try to prevent a pregnancy. I wouldn't change it because I love my daughter with all my heart but it did cause a lot of drama with the divorce, but looking back I see how it might not have been a good idea to try for babies with our home situation being hostile like it was.

NJtoMD2011 · May 2011

I'm sorry to hear your going through a tough time OP. But as everyone has said, babies won't make a complicated situation any easier. I highly recommend you find someone to talk to - a counselor, therapist, pastor, etc. If your SO isn't open to it, still go for yourself. Even when things aren't so rocky in life, I've found that talking to someone really helps me. I hope you find your way and things get better. Hang in there.

salt78 · May 2011

politelypink:
My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.

This. SO MUCH of this. You guys were really young when you first got together and a LOT can change between your late teens and mid-20's. Having a baby added to the mix isn't going to magically fix anything. For the sake of your future child, get your issues worked out ahead of time.

balihaigirl · May 2011

politelypink:
My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.

this.

potbellypig · May 2011

bostonbluejay:
xnbride:
politelypink:
My advice is to work out your marital issues first. Bringing a baby into all of that will only add more stress.
I may be mistaken but I think the OP is already pregnant? I thought she announced it yesterday or something. Maybe it was another bumpie with a pig sn.
Anyways to the OP I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I second the recommendation for therapy and if you are religious I would suggest seeking out a counselor through your church. I think often marital issues stem from a break down in communication so just by talking about these things it will start the healing and restoration process. Good luck and best wishes.
This. I swear you said yesterday that you got a faint positive....

No, no BFP yet, but I did write a post with the title "BFP" and it was about should I test (which I realized afterwards was a little douchy of me).

Thanks everyone for the support, I feel much better today. DH and I will seek counselling. We are ultimitely very in love, but communication is something I'm realizing takes more work than I thought!

BF_ update: no AF and no signs of her yet! All the more reason to get into counselling ASAP.

potbellypig · May 2011

petite_cou:
My SO and I were in the same boat about 6 months ago, he finally told me i needed to get help (for depression & anxiety) or we had to end it, after 3 years being together.
I went to talk to someone and just going to talk to someone (by myself) helped me immensley. Depression really twists your mind into being oversensitive with issues, especially in relationships. My SO would get so frustrated because I ALWAYS thought he was so awful to me. Turns out he was just so frustrated at me always being down, he felt like it was his fault, that he wasn't able to make me happy. When really there was nothing he could have done. It was up to me to feel better. After I got help and got on a low dose of an antidepressant I look back and wish i would have done it years ago when it all first started. ( I was determined not to get on the meds but in the end i guess i needed it to get me back in balance).
Every relationship is different, as is every depression. i'm just giving you my story.
I would at least go talk to someone if I were you. It may make you feel better and able to see things clearly. If you feel better and there are still issues going on between you and your DH talk to him about maybe going to see someone (either alone or together).

This. I think our stories are very similar. DH is really frustrated that I'm always down, and I would rather not be on antidepressants while TTC. I was on something and came off of it when we started trying. I'm starting to realize that I may need to go back on it (I'll try therapy first, but if that doesn't work out...)

potbellypig · May 2011

petite_cou:
potbellypig:
are these normal thoughts or would I have been better off without?I'm sorry this post is not only not related to TTC but also a downer. We just had another huge fight and I need some support. I'm hurting right now.
I can tell you from my experience with depression it's very normal to feel this way. I constantly felt like maybe I should leave. Maybe I'd be happier, then i thought maybe he'd be happier, never having to worry about why i'm not happy. Anyway if you ever want to talk more about this you can PM me.

I do want to! How do I PM?

petite_cou · May 2011

lol tha'ts a good question. i'll try to figure that out and see if i can send you one

i've been lurking on here so long and i've never really talked with anyone on here one-on-one.

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